A little harsh

Okay so my last post was a little harsh not going to deny that, I just I don’t have anyone to tell this to, literally. Nobody even bothers to listen to me, not even my family, especially not my “friends”

I’m always the go to girl, everyone comes to me when they have a problem and I don’t turn them away because I try to be nice and I also don’t want anyone else to feel the way I do. and that makes sense to me. I just didn’t think it was possible to feel this alone even when there are so many people around me.

I actually wrote a suicide note, I was ready to end it all, I was putting my affairs in order and telling people that I loved them no matter what, but then I chickened out, I didn’t want to do it. I thought that it was over.

But obviously not huh. I’ve been moody and bitchy the past few weeks, to everyone, my parents, my friends, everyone. And I’m not saying those are symptoms of my sadness or whatever, I’m just so tired of feeling like this especially when I can’t tell the people I love and trust the most how exactly I’m feeling. I’ve come here with this. I do want to die but not at the risk of my own hands, because I am a coward. But to say if a car or a train or anything was coming at me, let’s just say I wouldn’t get out of the way. I shouldnt even be able to drive because if I were to get hit or go off the road, I wouldn’t mind it. As long as I’m out of here.

But the thing that I would hate the most is, if I were to die, and people came to my funeral crying and telling me how much they loved me and that they had no idea that I felt this way, I would hate that because I tried. I tried to tell them but nobody cared enough to listen to little Nikita. Yes this is my name, I’m Nikita, I’m 18 and I hate my life. But I love my family and my friends even though I hate them at the same time. I’m so torn and I don’t even know if I make sense at this point.  im probably going to regret this later but here’s what I look like