i am useless

I am 23 and i absolutely cannot stand my life. This Is all in a nutshell but here goes. My life has been going to shit ever since i can remember. My mother is a fucking whore so i dont even know my real father. Ive lived in shelters. Watched my mother get the shit kicked out of her by her ex. Shes also had sex right in front of me with that same man when i was 9 years old. I was really smart in high school. Things looked up for a while. I then got with my ex who i fell in love with when i was 17 and moved out then after about a year he started verbally and physically abusing me for 2 years. I finally moved back in with my mother who kicked me out after a month bc shes a fucking ****. I then had to move in with a family friend who soon started physically abusing me in my sleep. Id wake up completely horrified and not speak to him for weeks but soon it was just forgotten. What else was i gonna do? I finally got a chunk of money and moved across the country. I was the happiest that id ever been. Less that a month later my oldest sister committed suicide(her 3rd and final attempt). We were so very close with eachother. We had both talked about how we thought of.killing ourselves but agreed to never do it for eachother. WELL THANKS! After the flying back from the funeral i got a new job at my new home across the country. Everything was ok but i soon became an even worse alcoholic. Getting the shakes and whatnot. Ive been.fired from 3 jobs due to alcohol now. I met a guy who got me pregnant and verbally abused me, physically abused me, and spit in my face multiple times. I finally kicled him out. I was doing wonderful and staying strong and doing all the right things and then i had a miscarriage anyway.. of course. I got evicted from my apt bc ofmy cat so im now staying on a friends couch. I got a new job that i got fired from a month later for NO REASON(seriously no reason). So now here i am. Its so hard to find a job. Ive been trying for over a month. I have almost no money. I hate myself. Im irresponsible and severely depressed. I always envision a gun blasting my head off all throughout the day, everyday. I am so useless to this world. Barely anytjing makes me happy. Nothing excites me. Im not passionate anymore. I dont even feel smart anymore. I dont feel pretty anymore. I am nothing but a brick that just sits there. I wanna sleep all day everyday but i dont. I go job hunting but idk why bc it seems so be a lost cause just like my life. I wanna kill myself so bad but i have another sister and a niece and nephew, and they wpuld be devastated. So even though were on opposite sides of the country, i get to suffer day in and day.out. i didnt used to be like this. Life has been spiraling me deeper and deeper now idk if its possible to come back.