Its all falling down

The air around me is heavy these days. A faint mist of despair and dread obscure my vision wherever I walk. I hardly look at people as they pass me by. My footsteps echo in an empty world. I have constant pains in my stomach and I have to force myself to eat. No more sexual drive. No control of my emotions. The slightest thought, if tilted in the wrong direction, sends my ego tumbling to the ground to be shattered and I begin to weep at things no self-respecting person should.

This feeling, this darkness, I can feel it sitting inside me like a lead weight, stretching my guts down to my knees. Nothing can pierce this isolation I’m surrounded by, and I refuse to even let anyone know the misery that my thoughts keep pumping into my soul. I want to die, I just want to drift away in a million tiny rain drops. I don’t even care how. Logic is no comfort to me anymore. The horrid feelings just rise and rise like a flood until they drown out all reason.

I can see my face getting older every day. I feel pathetic constantly. Relationships, jobs, friends, homes…all left behind. Destined to lose these things again and again. I used to think disappearing into my art and my music would be solace enough from the personal demons, but I have no creative spark these days. I’m always addicted to something, whether its being a functional pothead or alcoholic, or just obsessing over something so I can ignore the misery of my existence. I’m sick of it. I don’t want my families pity, I don’t want to pretend like my friends aren’t all selfish assholes. I just want to return to nothingness from whence I came.