This has been one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I feel alone, sad and depressed. Just when I get my hopes up for something good to happen, it’s dashed from me as quickly as the idea was thought of. I thought my luck was changing…I thought God was finally showing me mercy…I thought…I thought a lotta things. The prayer I prayed was so simple. Something that would make me the happiest woman in the world…but I realized just how far away that prayer was. It keeps getting so close I can touch it and then I blink and its farther away than it was before. I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It’s so disheartening. I feel so cheated. Even though I feel this way, I will keep on praying…I won’t give up…I’m too stubborn for that. But in the meantime, I feel so alone…So cold…So fucking sad. I don’t know what I will do if I can’t catch a break. I guess…I guess I’ll be right where I started when I came on this site. Walking past things I know can hurt me, and think…What if? I don’t want that, but I don’t want to live if I can’t have what I really and truely need in and for my heart. Oh what can I do to make things better? What could I do to get back on track? How can I make God love me again? I feel as though I am a child who has been forgotten and lost. God has forgotten me. It makes me doubt myself…doubt everything. Maybe I’m not good enough to be happy? That’s for other people, not me. I’ve talked to Ministers and Priests, and they all tell me that I am just being tested. If that’s the case, my whole life has been 1 big test. Everything bad that COULD happen DOES happen to me. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I am a sweet, kind and great person…I try and do the right things, I try and be the best person I can, but it’s never good enough…I AM not good enough. Maybe things would be better if I stopped asking what if to those items that could hurt me, and finally just try it again. Ha, but I know what will happen…I will try it, and it won’t work, AGAIN…I will be pulled back…pulled back to into my nightmare. So, since it seems I’m gonna be made to stay in this bad dream, I will keep praying…I’m going to keep trying to make God love me. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and he will show me mercy. A girl can dream can’t she?
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If there is/was a God… He forgot about me a long time ago. Keep moving forward though. Something’s bound to change.
Easier to go forward as if god doesn’t exist – because there simply is no evidence for god … no matter what the priests say … but you can pray to go to St. Louis … or you can start walking … i’ll wager you’ll get there faster walking every single time.
godless dawg
I always used to believe that if I was good and I did everything right, then only good things can happen…but what’s that gotten me? I really thought things were looking up, and who knows…they still might, but all along the way I keep galling in these holes that I can’t seem to get out of, and I’m sick of it. Y can’t I just be good enough for something good to happen to me?
You mentioned feeling alone but trying to talk to preists amd ministers. Have you tried really talking to someone from here? Someone who can understand what youre going through? In my experience, “happy” people just dont seem to get where we come from.
somethign is going to be good and it will happen to you its sounds like im younger then you but you will find happiness and you just have to live as it goes yes im being a hypocryite but im sorry i feel like you should have your happienessxx
I have my happiness, it’s just so far away…it’s so hard to explain. I see what I want…I see what will make me happier than anything, but the closer I get to it, the farther it seems. And I am so tired of that. I will be 30 in Feb. I should be living my life, instead of wanting to end it. And that’s the problem. I get so close, only to go backwards 4 steps…and when that happens, I feel I shouldn’t be here…that I’m not worthy of being here…that I’m not worthy of happiness. I feel jinxed.
it all comes down to making good things happen zebragirl.. Keep your head up and keep moving forward and something good is bound to happen. we all fall in holes that seem too deep from time to time, but im sure you will find your way out of it. its all about persistence and consistency. both of those together usually bring about the good circumstances we’re looking for. best wishes.
Oh God I hope so…I want this more than anything. I want this happiness more than anything
I’m sure you’ve heard it said that happiness is an inner state. Ideally you want to get to a place where your happiness isn’t solely reliant upon your circumstances, but comes from a place within you. A place not so easily shaken. Having said that circumstances definitely do play a part in the show and help to facilitate a stable environment where you can foster that inner sense of gratitude and happiness… You’ll get there. baby steps my friend.
Oh believe me, I have heard that. That I should get to a place where my outside surrounding don’t make up my mood, where I don’t need someone outside myself to make me happy. That I am the only one that can make me happy. However, I would love it if for once in my life, my outside circumstances DID make me happy. And ok I am happy with the outside circumstances in pieces, just not totally yet. They haven’t come together yet, and it pisses, angers and saddens me. I am tired of the world taking its sweet ass time to fall into place….ahhhhh I’m sorry, I’m jus bitchin…it’s jus like I said, I get so close and yet I’m so far…one step forward, three steps back. I can’t win.
Yes fortunear I have : ) people on this site have been the most gracious listeners and have given me some great advice. I have met some great people on here and I can’t thank everyone enough. Still sometimes I still need to vent…let it out…it sometimes just gets too hard…plus there are always new ears and fresh perspectives on here.
I’m a little religious but if I want something I don’t get on my knees and pray. I get up and work towards it. You can’t expect god to give you everything when he’s already given you so much. Hapiness is something you need to give to yourself.
Imonlyaman…ur name reminds me of a line in an Incubus song…their my favs…I didn’t know if that’s where it came from, but it made me smile for a sec
I’m working as hard as I can, it’s just my efforts seem frutile so I get so sad…everything I’ve been working so hard for isn’t moving as fast as I would like it to…So then I get a lil down
Hey Zebra Girl,
I know how you feel but you gotta keep fighting.
It’s like all the self-help stuff, prayers and the advice seems like a goldfish swimming in a plastic bag, hovering over a needle and the struggle to constantly keep the bag higher is what gets me. I feel like I have to hold on to this stuff and if I let go, it will burst and I’ll be back to square one, depressed and alone.
It’s life for me and you. Hope you’re a fighter. Keep your goldfish alive.
Bye.
incubus are great..I got it from an underoath album :p even tho I like to think myself superman…I am only a man. I hear yah about wanting the circumstances to reflect happiness..what circumstances do you speak of? care to explain your situation and recent discouragement a bit more?
I like Underoath too…anyway, it got the Incubus song stuck in my head so I thought id see where u got ur name…I appreciate both urs and Assteriod”s comments I appreciate any advice I can get. I just feel stuck..I feel as though I am in quicksand and I can’t get out…idk I get discouraged easy bc I am really impatient but that’s bc I have never really had anything good come from my life…sure good things have happened here and there, but when I look at the whole picture, my life hs had no meaning…until now…for once I feel that I matter…I feel that my opportunity to be happy is something in reach…well I thought so…like I said I see it and I get close but take so many steps back…I have been crying all the time now bc all I want is this simple thing…but this simple thing isn’t so simple…plus while I am waiting for my opportunity I had a chance to have a little relief…a little carrot dangling in front of me to keep me on track…but like everything else, that little carrot…something even more simple…gets taken away from me too…coincidences it seems…but y did it have to happen at the same time I was going to get that little carrot?…y can’t I have ONE good thing happen to me? I am tired of being tested, I’ve suffered enough and I want my prize at the end of the tunnel
Writing out things is a great therapy.
That’s what I do on here…if I feel bad I try and let it out on here…sometimes it works, sometimes like now it doesn’t…I jus gotta work thru it I guess…like always
much of the time when we feel depressed it covers our perspective in a gloomy fog..I suspect that is what is happening now..I think if an objective observer were to look at your life they would see meaning and many good things happening. I know you just want that carrot but maybe that carrot just wasn’t the right one. I’m glad you write out your frustrations. it’s a great release usually. you’ll eventually get that carrot zebra girl. it’s just about persisting through the struggle. (:
If people just looked at me, they wouldn’t think anything is wrong…it’s like when I get yelled at for using my handicapped tag…I get told u don’t look hurt to me. U don’t deserve that tag…it’s the same thing…people look at me and see no reason y I should be depressed…with my handicaps, people judge from the outside without realizing some disabilities aren’t visible. They don’t see that I have scars from 9 surgeries, nerve damage from the waist down, they don’t see that I am missing 2 toes from the neuropathy, and they don’t see the 5 impacted discs in my back with a tethered spine to boot. I know that it could be worse…I could be paralyzed instead of just nerve damage, among other things…but just bc it could be worse doesn’t mean it doesn’t upset me. It DOES make me depressed…esp the pain in my back. I get so upset about it. The majority of my issues that I’ve been having is relationship related…So couple thAt with my pain and I’m a ticking time bomb…ready to let go at any moment. The carrot I wanted is something, I can’t live without…the best thing that has happened to me, in…Well idk how long. Hopefully I again see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just as close as I saw it before I took horrible 4 steps back…maybe, jus maybe
I HATE the “this is a test” bullshit….really? this is a test?….well if so I’m going to fail horribly … I had no time to study or prepare and what is the reward for passing? like that shit irks me like hell…..I guess billionaires are being “tested” too huh? I guess the millions starving in africa are being “tested” as well?….yeah its a test alright….a test to see how long they can survive of a calorie a day….the harsh truth is….life has no purpose….erase earth from the universe and what would happen? not a damn thing…sun would still shine….and rocks would still float across the galaxy….
Maybe God just doesn’t give a shit….
I mean if he did then how could immoral and evil people be so blessed? Atheist living in prosperity…satanist that are multimillionaires …lucifarians that run the fucking world… I mean what the fuck is that about if he does exist?…..
What I would give to just never have existed…. that’s why I will never have any children….I love my potential kids more than any parent loves theirs …because I keep them away from all this shit….they never will shed a single tear or feel a tiny bit of pain ever!…..
“I will never have any children….I love my potential kids more than any parent loves theirs …because I keep them away from all this shit….they never will shed a single tear or feel a tiny bit of pain ever!”
I love this one!!
I want kids…but can’t…or haven’t been able to…but I worry about the same things everyone else on here does…I don’t want him/her to end up depressed…I want to try giving as much love to them as possible…maybe, jus maybe I can spare them the torture I went thru…all children should know and feel how much everyone loves them
I really hate how this is going to sound, but:
Love is less important than the ability to support oneself.
If you have kids, if you give them anything, the most important thing you can give them is a real chance to succeed in life. You have to make sure they have access to the tools and opportunities required to become successful. If you can’t do that, don’t have kids, because no amount of parental “love” can compensate for an inability to support themselves.
Very good point clevername…Love this…totally agree…no one needs to have kids unless they can support them completely…I am not saying money won’t get tight, but basic necessities need to be met.. But love is still something they need…unfortunately today, kids r used as a means to something else…I worked at the unemployment office and dealt with people 16 to 21…most, almost all had kids…and y did they have kids? To get extra money from the government…and they said that…out loud…they didn’t love their kids, and where will those kids be in a few yrs? On this site bc they feel alone and depressed. Items as how our world’s kids r now a days…I jus had a convo where an employee of this person showed her kids horror movies like Chucky…she said he cried but she made him watch it…then she said that at 3 her son was given a pet rabbit. He was afraid of it and wouldn’t stop crying…So she gave him a plastic knife and said if u don’t like it, the only way to make it better is to take this knife and cut its throat…So the kid went around the house acting like he was cutting the bunny’ s throat…I am so not joking about all this…this is what is going on today…then we wonder y kids grow up the way they do…y they grow up isolated, get put in jail…etc…I am jus so mad at how parent use and exploit children for their own amusement…God I am so mad now. Kids need to be loved, cared for and the tools to survive need to be given…not show and give them things to fuck em up more.
Teach them “why?” and the “what if?” game. The golden rule is good too. But at some point things get very complicated, as their exposure to external ideas and ideals increases. You’ll spend lots of time deprogramming stuff that other people put in their minds, and building “firewalls” so that they don’t just instantly adopt the wrong notions. They need to be able to process information and think critically. They need to be able to go against the grain for what’s right, when most others are going with the flow and in the wrong. Being a parent is not easy.
Most people seem to think “ERMAGERD BABIES SO CUTE!!!”
But they fail to realize that turning a baby into a stable, capable, healthy, functional, self-sufficient adult, is monumentally challenging, takes a very long time, costs outrageous amounts of money and effort, and is literally a life-or-death endeavor, for potentially more than one person.