I’ve always split depression into two types. The numb type of feeling nothing, then the crushing and unbearable pain. The first kind I had when I was a lot younger. The second has gone on for the last few years, and how can I explain the darkness of looking ahead to carrying it further. I’ve been seeing doctors for 16 years. I was first hospitalized 11 years ago, and last hospitalized exactly one year ago. If I had known 11 years ago, I wouldn’t be out of the same place mentally, but worse, I don’t think I could have handled that fact. I’m 29 now and am exhausted, just so tired. I knew from a young age that I was broken somehow, this heaviness wouldn’t let me go in the way that other people could live. Being the way I am has separated me so much from people, and the things in my life and body would be better used by someone else, they’re wasted on me.
share your suicide story
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Have courage.
Yes, you have been broken. But, yes, you can be healed.
The problem with “share your suicide story with others” is that the focus is always upon the pain, always upon the separation. We have indeed all been there. The question is whether there is somewhere else we can be and how to get there.
A mind at war with itself is in a terrible place. It must constantly attack itself, because it sees itself as unworthy. Therefore, the mind decides that it must attack, lest unworthiness triumph. This places you in the untenable situation of having to be your own worst enemy, for unless you do, you will loose all virtue.
Love does not require you to take a position against yourself; only fear does that. Love invites forgiveness but letting go all “reasoning†that calls for death. Love is Life. Fear takes on the cloak of virtue, so that its hollowness can go unnoticed and attack can become reasonable. Forgiveness then is unreasonable and not brought up for consideration.
Unbearable pain can be let go. Does it feel like cheating? The “story,†being the memory of how you go to the place of pain, is a justification of the feeling. What The Course is saying is that you will not be harmed by the “cheating†that justifies the pain. Cheat, then, by letting go the story. Once the story, i.e., the cause for the pain, is let go, the effect, pain, must also be let go.
Yes, this is subtle. But all things on the psychical plain have a subtilty, about them. All things, that is, except pure Love and pure fear. Pure Love is over powering and beautiful. Pure fear is impossible, except that it gives way to pure Love. Unbearability is merely the resistance to purity in either form.
Just consider this. You have done nothing to deserve this pain. You have innocent. Therefore, revenge is unnecessary and pointless. You do not deserve death and others do not deserve the reproach your death implies. You have been mistaken about your innocence, but today is another day; this moment is another moment. You can choose to forgive yourself. This you can do today.
Psychological torture. Shit just goes on forever and robs you of your life. I turned 30 this year and I would have sworn it all would have been long over by now. But here I am. Nothing’s changed at all.
I always thought about suicide a lot, but I had too much hope for the future to actually attempt it. Now I’m making serious plans for it. Fuck this shit once and for all. If this is what life really is, then it’s not worth living.
So at least you can know that you’re not the only one who’s been through this.
^ This.