Confused and conflicted

I moved around a lot too for most of my twenties. I had the same feeling of “not belonging” like you mentioned, and I thought that if only I could find the right place for me then things would finally come together, make sense, and I could start feeling like myself.

Never happened, of course, because after traveling around the whole country and trying out over a dozen different cities coast to coast, north and south, and anywhere in between, it actually only ended up making me feel even worse. This is because most of my problems were internal, and therefore could not be cured by external circumstances.

I don’t have Asperger’s, so I can’t relate with you on that one.

And I’ve largely avoided relationships my entire life, because I was convinced that they would never work out and that nobody could ever truly love me. I suppose if I had met someone who I thought was “right” for me I would have been open to that, but it just never happened.

As for your marriage, it’s hard to say. I like to think that after a relationship becomes more serious and committed that the connection would only increase, not decrease. But again, I’m no expert on love so take my opinion for what it’s worth.

And as for your suicidal thoughts, well here’s my story:

The first time suicide came into my mind was when I was in my teenage years. I was raised in a very toxic, abusive household; and I was severely bullied when I was in middle school. So naturally that would lead anyone to contemplate suicide. And though things got better as I got older, the thoughts still remained with me. They would come and go, but when I reached my late twenties they became worse than ever. I spent countless hours researching all of the various methods as well as the risks involved with each one. And though I’ve never attempted before, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t fail if I ever did.

One of the most fail-proof methods is jumping from a very tall height. And I mean really high up there. You don’t want to jump too low and live through it but really fuck yourself up in the process. That would be awful. Problem with that method is that I don’t think I could go through with it. I’m afraid of heights, you see.

Next best method is a shotgun in your mouth angled up slightly so you blow out the lower part of your brain (as well as a lot of other stuff lol). That’s also a pretty fail-proof method, but I saw quite a few pictures and videos of people who failed at that as well, and it sufficiently scared me from choosing that method.

Barbiturates are the way to go. Problem is that they are extremely hard to obtain. But about fifteen or twenty strong pills (Seconal would be great) and a bottle of vodka would be enough to do a horse in.

But back to the point. I think people like us who have harbored thoughts of suicide for a long time, do so to give ourselves a sense of comfort if you will. We leave that as a perpetually open option in our minds, so if things ever get too bad or if living with ourselves becomes too unbearable, there is always an emergency exit from our existence available to us.

Like you said, you have your suicide plan already figured out, as do I. You’ve probably looked at all the various methods and chose the one that is most appealing to you. And it’s always there, in the back of your mind. Your “psychological emergency exit.”