Birthdays: supposed to be a day whereon good wishes help one to have a better day than usual. I am in trouble this year, today has been awful.
Everyday I wake up, go to the gym then to work, all the while trying to forget how lonely I am and how people do not help me feel less lonely. I get invites to other people’s birthdays and various nonsense, on mine, just like every other day, nothing. People Have no problem telling me what they need from me and criticizing me when I don’t provide it.
I am pushed to the back-burner, even by my psychiatrist. After a lifetime of my flaws being pointed out, my talents belittled, having no safe haven and talking only leading to losing more people to talk to, I am sick of people pointing out what is wrong with me. People love to tell me that others have it worse, that I need Jesus, some herb or just a positive attitude, and it disgusts me, as does people’s dime-store philosophy on general. The pain I feel is not going to be healed because you suggested I give it up to God or because I smiled or whatever. Such advice is only useful for the advisor feeling helpful.
Psychologists have told me that i am too complicated and that I already know the things that they are going to say, there just seems to be something missing between my intellect and the application of it.
I believe I am at an endpoint. I enjoy nothing. I fake it for the sake of others sometimes, but don’t have the energy for that anymore either.
What’s left? I can’t take it anymore. People have proven that I can’t trust them to care about me for long, no matter their level of enthusiasm in the beginning, they can’t stand it for very long.
First I think I will Thank my father for being so childish that the only way for him to deal with whatever angst or feelings of inadequacy he had was to take it out on me. So many other people made him feel inadequate and wrong, so his reaction is to point out how I am wrong whenever he can. He spent my life bragging about paying child support, expecting praise for doing what he was supposed to do, but couldn’t offer the emotional support i actually needed.
The same can be said for my mother, who made me feel guilty when I felt hurt by her actions, and expected me, as a child, to handle adult circumstances.
Mt brothers who only seem to care about me because we are related, and then only when I happen to be around when they are in the right mood.
Everyone else, knowing my talking to you was contingent on me acting a certain way and that your friendship could and was generally revoked without notice and was mostly my fault.
they should cheer up and just Hey working legs? Would your friendship be contingent on them walking?
I can’t stand it anymore. I am dead inside and people do not care or just ignore it. Either way it is pushing me over the edge. Rather it had pushed me over the edge.
My ex and her lawyers are squeezing money I don’t have out of me. As the judge said paying these bills (which rightfully belong to us both) and paying for her attorney, even though she had the affair is more important than paint my rent. They said $800ish should cover the remainder of the attorney fees, only to bill me for $1600. The only way out of this is to pay all of my money to them and have no life or to be dead, because they just keep song more and more and don’t even care that it is killing me! She uses to.
Here is the thing: I acknowledge that most of this is my fault, or my brain not doing something properly and that it is likely that everyone I have met was put off by me and my actions, so you can stop reminding me, I already feel like an awful person and your reminders are CLEARLY not helpful.
Would you constantly tell an amputee that they are not walking and/or that love me, supposedly, and she is just going along with it like she is the victim.
The reason I have not taken my life already is because I worry about what that would do to others, but I am nearly over that. After being stomped into the ground so many times, I just want to make it so no one can hurt me anymore, regardless of whose fault it is. The ultimate irony is that I am willing to give up on me, just like everyone else. This hurts to much, I am so tired of being alone, overlooked and taken for granted. I am so tired of me and how being me has been so bad for me.
I believe the world had won, it is just a matter of me coming across the right opportunity and strength.
Thank you Dad, friends and world. You have all proven that you are more important and better than me. I hope it helps you live a fuller life, somehow.