I should be studying for my quantitative management exam I have tomorrow morning. I should be applying for internships for the summer. I should be out and laughing with friends. I should snuggling up with my ex-boyfriend. I should be watching Dirty Dancing with my best friend. I should be the happy go- lucky 20 year old that everyone expects me to be. But I’m not. Instead I sit here alone contemplating what my life is really worth.
I’ve always had that side of me that was never happy, and sometimes it would rear its ugly head and tell me how pathetic, worthless, unsuccessful, unattractive, unloved, and the list goes on, I was. Back then I pretended I was strong and that this was a phase that all teenagers went through. Raging hormones can be a killer for our bodies, and I wasn’t the only one that had to go through this. I used to say that God would save me. That my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ would soon come and heal my heart. That this phase would make me stronger and ready for the world that was ahead of me. I watched the years go by thinking this thought and praying and waiting for something to arise that would make this unbearable life just a bit brighter.
It’s not like I was constantly sad. I had days that were rough was more like it. I laughed, smiled, felt joy and even loved. But there was still always that hole that couldn’t be filled. That emptiness and weighted down feeling that I would carry with me wherever I went. Friends and family and activities always made it better. A temporary Band-Aid over a festering wound. But no one can have someone with them at every moment of everyday. And in those moments of loneliness, the darkest thoughts would surface. Thoughts that would freeze my heart, creep up my throat and steal my breath. I would be paralyzed with the thought that there was no purpose to the life I was living.
I planned my life up to graduating college and then I couldn’t see anything after that. It just would stop… blank. I figured it was just nervousness to what the future would be like, what it would hold. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe it’s because I wasn’t supposed to get that far. That my life would end somehow… and that somehow would be suicide.
That scared me… God doesn’t except the thought of suicide. I was upsetting and hurting the Lord, the one who I knew truly loved me for everything I was. That created me. So I prayed that He would just bring me home to Heaven soon, that He would take me from this earthly dwelling. That I could praise Him there instead of here. What a contradiction… I as a Christian should be accepting of this life; know that it’s meant to teach me lessons and prepare me for Heaven. But these lessons are slowly draining the life out of me. I cannot seem to grasp the true meaning of them that Jesus wants me to see.
But I can’t. And all I want to do is leave this behind. To let something else besides emptiness and loneliness consume me. To have this void where my heart is be filled. Because earthly things and leisureliness are not what I need or want.
I just want to let go.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
@alibryce:
You are a very deep person who writes artfully about many feelings I’ve had all my life. I don’t have a cure, but I have shared your feelings of emptiness. I’m on Lexapro now, an anti-depressant, and, even though it doesn’t make everything rosey or make me ‘normal’ or interested in things like sports and making lots of money, it does take away that terrible ache in the center of my chest, just below my heart. That space is known as the solar plexus.
Another pursuit that has really helped is Hatha Yoga. I dont’ mean the camped-up form you will find in fitness centers but the true yoga that teaches body alignment, wonderful stretches and how to breathe well.
A great idea is to get a full body massage from a licensed therapist who works on both a spititual and a physical lever. I would suggest going to a woman. A good massage helps to release past tensions and allow you to renew–physically, mentally, spiritually.
Another pursuit that has helped me invaluably is studying Sufi Practices. You do not have to in any way give up being a Christian to be a Sufi in America. Perhaps try the Sufi Order International website for starters. Or find a group that does the dances of Universal Peace. Many of the Sufi practices, prayers, dances etc. have helped fill that emply space in my heart, connect me with the Divine in a way that can travel with me in everyday life. BTW, Sufism is a heart centered philosophy. It is thought to be the mystical branch of Islam, but, in truth, was started way before Islam began. It just happens to have Middle East roots, just as Christianity does. And many American Sufis are pshychologists, massage therapist, acupunturists, and yoga teachers.
Acupunture is another wonderful way to balance your energies toward wholeness.
I used to look at the sky and ask God why he left me here, dumped me onto this vacuous planet. I never got an answer until I learned to look deep within myself for what others call God, and found that connection within.
Please know that I still have my down times and feel different from others and wonder why I’m here, but I also feel more comfortable.
Nature is another balm for the wounded heart. Have you ever raised a kitten? Oh my, what a blessing cats are for sensitive humans! If not a kitten, perhaps adopt a dog when you have a space to raise one. Dogs require a lot more care and are much more needy than cats. But my cats have given me love I’ve never received elsewhere.
I hope something in this helps a bit.
As to hormones, I started feeling better during menopause, the time when everyone else was feeling strange. I hated the hot flashes, but loved the decrease in estrogen.
I’m 69 now and have survived a life of suicidal longing. Was it worth it? I don’t know. But I don’t look back. I enjoy the moment.
I wish you a better future. I know the stuggle. I want that for you too.
Love,
Vedura
Please forgive some of my mis-typed words. The print on this site is very small for someone my age to read.
One more thought: To expect yourself to know precisely what you want to do at your young age, and you are still young, might be inrealistic. We are all unique. Perhaps more life experience will show you a path you desire. With your sensitivity, you might be a massage therapist, yoga teacher, or such in the future. No, those professions don’t make much money, but money is a goal for a comfortable life, not for a fulfilling life.
Sending love. You sound like such a special young lady.