when you really want to end your life…

…in that time, at that moment and in every time and every moment of the future, you truly believe you cannot and will not be able to cope, that it’s all too much and nothing will ever be right and it’s not like it’s ever going to end well anyway so why not just quit now? It makes so much sense to simply put an end to a life that is nothing but painful when it feels like it will never be anything else.

And the people who try to prevent the suicide of others will often say things like “what about your family/friends/loved ones?” and that’s just so frustrating because they’re acting as though they’re incapable of understanding that so much thought has gone into this decision. Of course we’ve thought about the implications of our death and how it will have an effect on the people around us, it’s just that we have either decided we do not care or that even if people are sad at first, in the long run they’ll realise it was for the best for everyone and they will be better off as a result.

No matter how many people tell us we’ll be missed, we will not change our minds because this is about us and not wanting to go on any longer and not wanting to put anyone else through this either. It just makes sense to us and it isn’t something that a simple “I love you” will fix.

And yes, our minds are twisted because it is wrong and we sort of know that too. A part of us knows how illogical it is to want to die when it goes against our very purpose as living beings. It makes sense in our own slightly skewed logic but we can still recognise that it’s also not at all sensible. But whatever it is inside of us that wants to die will not listen to reason because it isn’t reasonable. Call it what you will, depression or a demon or just an enemy, but it will not stop until we have succeeded in destroying ourselves most entirely.

Yet if we are able to make our way back, to somehow eventually win that battle with our demons, with our depression, with ourselves, we may be able to look back and see how wrong we were. We may be shocked at how casually we threw away the love others had (and usually still have) for us, at how easily the darkness took over once the first thought had somehow made its way in (that’s another odd thing- when does it start because I truly cannot remember when exactly my sadness became a wish for death or even when that desire for death began to fade), at how poorly we treated ourselves and at the way we weren’t seeing anything clearly at all.

After the fight has come to an end, you will either be dead or you will be here where I am in this odd place of reflection where I’m pretty sure I won because I’m still here but ever so slightly unsure of what it is I’ve won. Yes, the world is a beautiful place but it’s also one where I am afraid of most of my peers, one where I am convinced my best will never be quite enough, one where I am filled with hope but also dread and fear, one where I can’t really discuss out loud how I nearly didn’t make it this far unless I am deliriously tired or horrendously drunk, one where I never call or message or even speak first out of fear that the other person might not want to speak to me, one where I love myself as much as I loathe myself and I am still confused about where I stand with myself.

I’m not sure what I hoped to achieve with this post, I think I just wanted to get across that I think it’s basically impossible for anyone to get through to a suicidal person because the whole thing is just so fucking messed up that we don’t even know what we’re thinking half the time. I didn’t kill myself and I still don’t know what put a stop to my suicidal thoughts, looking back I am pretty sure they were a part of the depression I didn’t really want to even think I had and never told anyone about. I think I stopped wanting to kill myself in September 2012 after the worst summer of my life and I do not have a clue what changed my mind or what it was that put a stop to most of the depression, but I do know that it did stop and that although 2013 has been the hardest year of my life so far, it has also been one where I have laughed and smiled and been happy and done great things and achieved so much and, more than anything, looked forward to the future. If I can get good grades at the end of the year I will be going to a good university far away from home and starting my life all over again and that is both terrifying and hugely exciting.

I guess really what I want to say in a probably useless way is to not listen to the parts of you that want you to die, no matter how loudly they’re shouting or how forceful they seem because if you do ‘win’ the fight, you will thank yourself for it.

Life after wanting to die is weird, to be honest, and it isn’t easy at all but that is no reason not to fight for this. As hard and scary as things are, I am glad I am here and that I have a future and that I did not kill myself. There are so many great things that might happen in my future, so maybe one day I will sit back and wonder how I wasn’t leaping for joy right now as I say I succeeded in not killing myself. I don’t know, I guess it’s just that there are so many beautiful possibilities that we know nothing of right now that maybe it’s not a good idea to give up on life before it gets great. I am pretty sure I do believe that if it has been great, it will be again and if so far it hasn’t been great, it will be.