Im writing this letter for me to get my thoughts and feelings out… the person this is meant for will never see this, will never know i wrote this, will never care i wrote this.

Dear abselom,

what can i say we’ve been through alot together. I was there for you when you wanted to end your life. I held you when you cried, i cried with you for you. I tried to make you smile when you were low. I was always by your side i tried the best i could to take your pain away. Then i broke. I was hurting and i finally told you. you noticed the cuts on my wrists,  you were with me when they spread down my arm then spread to my legs. You were there when i had panic attack at school. you found me crying in the dressing room and bathroom hyper ventalating. you were by my side when i was taking pills and smoking every day. then you started cutting again. so everytime you cut i would cut twice as deep and twice as much to show you how much you were hurting me by cutting. you stopped. you got medicine to help you and you started getting better. but i got worse. you were the reason i woke up every day and didnt end my life. you were the reason i stayed for so long. we shared everything, our hopes, our fears, our past, our dreams, our laughter, our drugs, our bodies, our souls,  our depression then it all got to be too much. you were done with my sadness, my cutting, my suicide attempts, my shit. for truth be told it wasnt good for you to be around me nor was it fun in the slightest bit. who would could love someone so sad? you stopped talking to me. so i started cutting more. i had no one. I would cut in the morning before i went to school, hide and cut in the bathroom before the first bell, cut during my classes, between my classes, hid in the bathroom during lunch and cut and ate in the stall and in the dressing room. when you sat next to me in psych i would cut during class. you saw me i know you did. i would have panic attacks because i was so close to you and i could feel the hate coming off of you toward me. you wouldnt say anything to me not a word. i was totally iced out. then you reported me to the counselor and i was brought in and they searched me and found razors and i got escorted to the ER by the school cop and put into a mental hospital. I was there, alone, sad, suicidal cutting with anything i could get my hands on, and finally after a week i bullshitted my way out of there. i came back to school 2 weeks later and you didnt say shit to me. you didnt say a word. i was worse off than before. i tried to commit suicide 3 times since i came back.  On your birthday i attempted and of course failed. Then the last day of school i gave you a hug. and went on my way. We hungout during the summer after i called you telling you that i was sorry for everything and you apologized. but when we hungout it wasnt the same. it made me sad. you said i could talk to you but how could i. i could only hangout with you if i were on pills or high. it makes me sad. but now im off at school after all of that happened and you dont ever call. you dont text me and if we do talk its only briefly about nothing. i came home for thanksgiving and i didnt bother calling you to see if you wanted to hangout because why force you to do something you werent interested in. I snap chatted you saying i really missed you and you didnt respond. i made my 5th attempt that night. idk why you get to me so much. but please dont think youre the reason that if i do ever succeed with my attempts that im gone. yes im lonely yes i miss you yes you broke me but its you that has kept me alive. What i really want to say is that i do and always will love you forever and maybe when im gone ill miss you less but if i do die i will look out for you and will always be there for you because you are my soul mate, that one person that i cant help but loving even if the feelings arent returned.

FOREVER AND ALWAYS,

Sunflower <3