Thanks 4 the welcome-was intrigued and saddened by some of your stories-I wanted to especially thank you all for your openness-nothing like Xmas & the New Year to bring up the same old same old same old——what the hell is the point of me staying 1 more minute on this benighted planet???? a burden to the Health/mental health/& social welfare systems – I am lucky enough to live in a country that provides that for useless people like me. the last month has been almost totally unbearable. I totally understand what everyone says here- & its so nice to be able to say that here I sit in front of my bloody laptop- NEW YEARS EVE!!! – a party raging on over the road, fireworks going off, BBQs etc – and I am here – totally absorbed by your stories-particularly touched by (sorry – 4got the author’s name) that of the person with CMT in 9th grade?? Our system is different but I’m guessing that’d make you 15ish?? i think that, like you, I started wanting to “not be here” very very early in life-for reasons I can’t even begin to explain-I honestly think there must have been a total cosmic f-up somewhere along the line- cos even photos of me when I was about 2ys old show a look in my eyes as though I want to just run away- more accurately, just disappear.
But you, my love – I totally know how insignificant you feel in this totally overpopulated and screwed-up world – but I am 30 years older than you and I was struck by your absolute eloquence-please don’t say you have nothing to offer- I have read a small amount re CMT – I have IBD & Bi-Polar-and can honestly say that every time I open my eyes I wana die as I just can’t face another day-let alone another year- the ONLY thing that gets me out of bed is the necessity of going to the bathroom,or being in excruciating pain, or the meows of my darling cat- she is to be honest-the only reason I hold on to this pitiful existence-her and my mum-both have a very uncanny type of “ESP” – when my thoughts are at their blackest my fone will go off, or my cat will meow at me- SHE is the ONLY being in the entire world who actually needs me. All my friends have kids & families and loads of friends-I am a hermit because most of the time I am too physically ill to move! NY Eve- YAY!! NOT!!!! Only person to contact me has been my mum- she is on me like the mood police at the mo cos of the way I have been talking – I AM JUST SOOOOO TORN. Like Rihanna says – I can’t even cry,or feel ANY emotion – except absolute fury when I see what we have done & are doing to the world- and I live somewhere that has been destroyed by mother nature herself- I wish she’d finish the job-because if it were not for the one side of my brain consumed with GUILT over the thoughts of dying the other half of my brain lives with every second I’m awake – I’d be long gone.
Anyway – sorry for my rant – I thank those of you who read it- and I hope it reaches the person who like myself, has been cursed with a hideous auto-immune disease that is on the whole “invisible” to everyone else but makes you feel like death – because you are so gifted for one so young- your words were so thoughtful and eloquent- it would be a shame to see that talent go to waste- you are a beautiful writer….I always wanted to be but all I seem to be able to manage is the odd angry scribbled poem at 4am- so depressing-NY Eve & I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol!! I had it all set for today – the big plan- NOT to wake up 2moro/2014- but seeing as we are the 1st country in the world to get it in about an hour & I was planning to drive through all the road works & abandoned houses and find somewhere on the beach to just stare at the sea - and watch the sun come up – still not sure if for the last time or not- all I can think about is my wee cat-blissfully asleep on my bed- and my mum – who is in no fit state to take care her if I leave-the struggle withing is killing me, without me actually having to do anything-BUT-here’s the catch. This will probably put you all off & divert me into the “nutters” section-which I guess I am with Bi-Polar – but believe me I could not be of saner mind than I am tonight- because- like you- when I look at the world around me-I just feel totally & utterly hopeless & useless – even if I just confine that feeling to my beautiful city-if I lived to be 100 it would still be a disaster zone, I can’t bear to go out of the door half the time-I am very lucky to still have a roof-(rented) over my head at all. But basically my dilemma is this-I have almost never felt MORE suicidal than I have recently-music is my ONLY escape-yet of course- music also reinforces my disenchantment because the artists I love the most are those who are singing about the exact same feelings I am having- or trying to get the world to take notice of how little time we have left if we keep acting this way towards the earth-I DO believe in a very very much higher power- because I HAVE SEEN IT. Way too briefly – but more than once. The sense of light,peace,beauty,love, awe,& the realisation of the incredible POWER involved made me want to be with that being all the time-forever…but I have tried to leave this world 3 times previously-and another few times I have been so very sick I could’ve easily have left it- but it HASN’T HAPPENED!! Even my doctors – after an 8 day coma,said its almost not possible for me to still be here – SO WHY AM I????? For those of you who believe in heaven & hell as the bible would have it- theoretically I’ll go to the latter if I take my own life?? But-if what I have seen, and more importantly FELT as such beauty peace and love is denied me because I finally get the guts up to try again – then I will be in my own personal hell – and knowing how I would affect mum & my cat by leaving them is causing a living hell right now-the only times I have cried over the last year have been at the movies-& only any involving ANIMALS!!! humans make me sick-I am ashamed to be one. I just wanna go home……wish I knew where that was…. right now I need a drink- all by my self for NY- YAHOO!! Cheers to anyone still awake after reading this!!!! Dunno if will be back or not-thanks for the “howdy”! Now gonna you-tube all my fave music vids-at least artists are better than me at bringing the message to the world……..ITS A BEAUTIFUL LIE……..
6 comments
“and knowing how I would affect mum & my cat by leaving them is causing a living hell right now-the only times I have cried over the last year have been at the movies-& only any involving ANIMALS!!! ”
-I have been thinking about that too, Hopefully what I leave behind will be enough to look after them though. I am ashamed to be human as well. I look at my cat and envy the way she probably doesn’t have to know about what goes on beyond our little neighbourhood. Although she could know, but the way she looks so peaceful, I don’t think she does. It makes me feel a bit better that for the 3 years I have had her she always comes back home to me after letting her out to explore the neighborhood everyday.
It’s her and I just hanging out watching movies for new years eve.
Hope you have a good one – well well-12.10am 01.01.14 – how ffing depressing!!!
I have 3 excellent movies sitting here to watch but so busy trying to think of when, how, where, I can’t be bothered with them- but at least managed half a Malibu/Midori b4 time came to turn into a pumpkin!
God- I dunno bout you guys- do things get worse & worse as the day goes on and turns into night- to the point where it feels like you’re the only person awake in the whole world??? Except for 2night I guess with all the NY crap.
I have known a couple of people who’ve taken their lives-and many that like me-have tried their darndest. I hate the way people are so quick to judge -that those who do manage to accomplish their aim are selfish and cowardly and don’t want to take responsibility for anything. How FAR could you get from the truth of it all- I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy – daily torture, daily temptation, sadness and grief so deep its impossible to fathom – and as I mentioned before-overwhelming guilt- which in the end is I guess the thing that paralyses you into NOT taking your life because you are simply incapable of doing ANYTHING constructive with that in your head all the time. The other thing for me- is that- although I was pretty much as close to being dead as you could be- I did not see the beautiful face & warmth & light & the feeling of joy & love & peace and total astonishment at the the fact that something so beautiful even exists- BTW – everyone is different- for me daytime was like pure molten gold- white/gold rather than the gold of the sun – another time it was the electric blue around the moon – I never saw anything except blackness – well-nothing at all really cos I was completely unconscious – the next time was very half-arsed & landed me in a mental hospital where i was tortured by sadistic nurses for 3 months and that was pretty much the end of me as I knew myself – I can’t ever be the same. Time DOES NOT heal all wounds. What doesn’t kill you does NOT necessarily make you stronger in the slightest- it just kills you piece by piece until you end up with your heart & soul in tatters – as the great band HURTS say in “Miracle” – …and deep in my heart you will find, no love, no light, no end in sight…..” – that is me. I wish people could understand how UNBEARABLE it is for some of us to LIVE- or to BE- if someone saw an animal suffering such physical or emotional trauma as so many of us humans do- they would not hesitate to humanely help the poor creature stop suffering,and return to the Universe from whence it came. WHY can’t we do the same for ourselves if we are able??? With the Blessings of others – not the condemnations and judgements. And I think our little cats – our movie/tv/bed companions – or dogs or whatever pet takes your fancy is way more aware of things than we think they are….I guess I am a coward-cos my biggest fear is stuffing up again – or not stuffing up but then having to come back and do all this b/s again – or stuffing up & then NOT being in a position to be able to ever finish the job in a country, which although progressive-still has not legalised assisted suicide as far as I am aware…I think it should. I am much more of a coward alive than I would be if I removed myself from the burdens this world already faces….. – Hope you enjoy the movie xx
WOW, I just don’t understand that a lot of the things you have just said, well a lot of the things I have read on this website explain exactly how i feel, yet if I try to explain it to anyone else they just cannot comprehend what I am saying. It’s like I am not speaking English.
In a way a feel better that I am not the only one that is going through all of this, for a long time I was made to believe I was an absolute freak alien, and everything i thought was so wrong and horrible.
“I can’t ever be the same. Time DOES NOT heal all wounds. What doesn’t kill you does NOT necessarily make you stronger in the slightest- it just kills you piece by piece until you end up with your heart & soul in tatters” I tried to explain this to someone I thought I trusted and I had been with for about 2 years. He told me to just “keep trying, just keep fighting, learn to be strong and fight on your own”. No.. that’s not how it works, well for me especially. Even machines die, machines don’t keep on going and going so how can we? Most of the time I Just feel completely insane, too many arguments in my head its like there’s a room full of people all arguing completely different things and it’s just a mess. Too many emotions all at once, mostly fear, anger, sadness and hate though.
Well isn’t it quite funny how most of us can go on about how we will end it (some of us do) and how we are going to do it but we would never encourage or suggest suicide on any one else. I just thought it was a bit funny that we care so much that way.
Fearing failure is what I think about too, I failed majorly once before. And I’d rather spend a bit more time here and make sure its done right then not have it properly planned out and go the other way…
I feel like right now it just gets worse and worse, then you find something to distract you for a little while but I am just forever stuck in this cycle. There’s more worse then there is happy. Ive already tried so much I am tired I just want to go. I can’t stand this routine any more.
Can I take a guess and say you are in NZ by the way?
You have to wait until your cat and mum have passed. Anything else would be too cruel to them.
I’m doing the same myself, luckily my cat’s 15 and my mom has bone cancer, so I won’t have to wait too long.
Been suicidal well before I even knew there was such a thing. I know it’s hard to hold on.
I’ve been close to 3 people who have “exited’ and the devastation to their mom’s I can only describe as a sin (I’m atheist but can’t think of a better word).
Their animals were passed around a bit but 2 ended up in a shelter, 1 was directly euthanized.
I implore you, don’t be cruel to innocents, hang in there, your time will come. Just be patient.
Hiya Eternal – u guessed right- am in NZ – but the city I live in bares very little resemblance to what NZ means to foreigners-it is like living in a war zone after 3.5yrs of heart-breaking destruction-& although my heart broke so so long ago, way b4 that- dunno even why-now its like just an extra helping of grief & misery & heartbreak every time I set foot outside and see what has become of what was once probably one of THE most beautiful cities in the world- to me anyway. And as a country- I guess we are totally blessed-not just with beauty, but with social support agencies etc. Saw a doco on the state of USA mental health system recently- feel so sorry for any of you that face your struggle with the black fog of suicide every day & live over there as it seemed apparent Mental health is pretty much ignored by all the ‘health insurance” system crap- not to mention the Physical/ or health of the Elderly.
But all of what my gorgeous country is- ironically has the ability to create 1 of the highest suicide rates in the world! Why??? Because- 4 me anyway- with all the so-called opportunities we have here- if you don’t “succeed” you feel even more of a failure than perhaps someone in Ethiopia or Bangladesh etc, where mere survival is what gets people through the day.
I have to say- so ironic- making what I thought would be my first & last post on this site on NY Eve was what saved me-I was just too tired to go ahead with my plan – and then I walked outside and saw THE most spectacular sunrise I’d ever seen- heralding in 2014-since then- I’ve been so physically sick & in & out of clinics & drs etc that my mind is so often occupied with getting through the pain that I’m still here – but so, so, so, sooo sick & tired of fighting with myself about staying. I cannot bear watching this beautiful world disintegrate – I am sick of being ‘physically sick” & no-one helping me – I am sick of praying every nite for God or the universe or whatever u wana call the higher power that I KNOW exists to not wake me up. I’ve created my own private hell on earth-and like you say- its so impossible to explain to anyone else – I had a brief period of feeling a bit better- so told one of my few remaining friends how I’d felt NY Eve & how I’d come on here to talk to you guys & read your stories & next minute she’s in floods of tears- I’d never seen her like that b4-ever. So its clear I just CAN’T inflict my thoughts- death,dying,uselessness,failure,loneliness etc on any one of my loved ones- its not fair to them. Music is my only saviour- that & my wee furball- yet due to earthquakes/liquefaction dust- my poor wee baby has developed wheezy asthma like so many of us humans- plus she has arthritis & terrible skin issues which makes her lick herself to death-I can’t bear to see her in pain & having a coughing attack-just like I can’t bear the fact that my mum is getting older,and she too-has terrible arthritis and I’m worried she’s showing signs of dementia- my 2 rocks in life are fading- all I know that when they leave me I will die anyway – and there’s no question that of course – eventually that will happen- I need to protect my mum from my inner demons- all it does is make her worry & get even sicker. My dad is gravely ill & my brother hasn’t lived here for 20yrs- & he just doesn’t get it- doesn’t get the absolute devastation of his entire childhood home, doesn’t get what a”mood-disorder” can do to a person, doesn’t get how my blood boils every time I hear about “pirates” from a certain country not only clearing the fish out of OUR waters but massacring whales & dolphins to boot, doesn’t get what its like to feel physically sick & in pain 24/7- and every time things get like they were on NY eve – & basically have been ever since bar a few days of respite – I think of all the people that will “judge & convict me” as a coward if I succumb to the UNBEARABLE urge to “fly away” – I seem to get paralysed- wana write all the “important” things down I need to say to my family, friends, & try & make the necessary amendments to my will but I JUST CAN”T DO IT!!! I just go blank-thank god for this site- as I can’t pick up a dam pen- let alone be eloquent! I feel I’m running outta time- just like the world. I am completely overwhelmed- & though i have a lovely Psychiatrist & therapist-they DON”T know me- and they don’t get it either. YOU get it – thank you.
So Eternalrest – dunno if you still here luv- thankyou so much for your reply – means alot to me – if you aren’t here I hope you’re looking down on this message from a place that makes you feel happy & I hope you’ve found peace. I know bible-bashers will tell me I’ll go straight to hell if I take my own life- but I believe in fate- if I am meant to go-I think I will be allowed to-& seriously-there’s no hell I could face that’s worse than the one I am going through now. Thanx 4 reading….as you say- pple just don’t understand – nobody can unless they’ve walked 1000miles in your shoes. Take care xxxooxx
Thanx for your reply- but please understand I HAVE BEEN HANGING IN THERE- BY MY PINKIE FINGER! Exactly for the reasons you said- I can’t bear the thought of hurting my Mum or my wee Furbaby – or any friends that still care- but I CAN”T tell them how I feel- & if I tell my medical team they’ve got no idea either. I am living in hell-I know my wee cat needs me – I need her more as I can’t ever have kids & am totally celibate cos I live in a disgustingly disfigured body- Please don’t make me feel even worse than I already do- I feel like my head is splitting in 2 – trying to stick around & “do the right thing:”. but what is that exactly???
I wish I lived in Belgium- so progressive with their euthanasia laws – because as far as I am concerned- suicidal ideation is a CHRONIC/INCURABLE disease- a mental version of cancer. I would never intentionally hurt Mum, my cat, or the rest of my family – I am NOT about cruelty. I hate myself too much for that- for even thinking of leaving them. But maybe it would be 4 the best? They wouldn’t have to worry for me like they do now. I appreciate you taking the time to reply-am v sorry re your mum etc- and for what u are going through 2. xox