Well, time for some sniveling and self pity. Bust out the backhoe. This is embarrassing and shameful to admit I’ve been this way in my head lately. I know better but I can’t stop it.
So far have had a fucked up shit parade for a life. Highlights include being locked up, stalked, threatened, suffocated, tortured, and raped by a psychotic sociopath when younger, years homeless including on the street, diagnosed when 18 with a mass in the brain, severe temporal epilepsy to the point I had hallucinatory mind wracking seizures every so many seconds, or drifted for hours in partial and complex partial status, blackouts and convulsions, a drunken asshole step-father, awake brain surgery, post-surgical untreated brain damage including speech difficulties and face blindness, and when younger becoming deranged on a toxic overdose of a brand new on the market anticonvulsant that made me mentally/emotionally unstable and cognitive/memory damage and paranoid hallucinating and more for a spell which resulted in a nearly immediate relationship and unintended pregnancy with above mentioned abusive psychotic narcissist sociopath. Would grind my teeth in my sleep and all my dreams were nightmares.
Then after so many years epilepsy went into remission, got off the nasty pills, got my mind back, had my ex arrested after another imprisonment beating and suffocation, stayed at a confidential dv shelter, went to buttloads of therapy, got awake brain surgery, divorced the asshole in a vicious custody battle, re-established my destroyed job history working minimum wage jobs 40 to 60 hours a week for years, re-established my credit got good credit over 800, re-established my rental history, raised the kids up so they are happy popular well adjusted honor students (when I finally got them back from their father who vanished with them a lengthy period of time one did not speak and the other was violent and hysterical). Went back to college and kept a 3.9 gpa, got specialized job training. Felt like I was almost there. Life was looking good. I was working and trying really hard to do the best I could. I did it, I was doing it, I was stretching out my hand.
And bam all a sudden I lose both the jobs I was working 7 days a week at, totally unexpected. I’ve spent the last two months drinking a half to a bottle of vodka a day. My bills are not paid. I cannot pay the rent. I cannot provide for my children. I have no money. My credit is being destroyed. All my bills are behind. I am going to have to move into my mother’s shed and I’m fucking 35 years old. She paid my rent last month. How shameful.
I can’t get a job, I am unemployable. I’ve worked at over 25 different jobs in my life. This last time, the new boss said that I’d made it through the probation period and they were hiring me on. I asked my other work to hire and replace me. Then the new boss said they’d changed their mind and let me go that day. And nothing for me at the other work, they would no schedule me more than one day a week and I gave up and no called no showed to lie in a stunned stupor on the couch. In the past I went to interviews, applied for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of jobs, and a large percentage of people won’t hire me because I don’t drive (have epilepsy), have had high paying college job offers in the process of being made withdrawn on the spot upon learning I don’t drive (have epilepsy), been told I would never get a promotion because I don’t drive (have epilepsy).
And I find I am thinking of suicide constantly. I don’t look for work anymore. I don’t answer the phone. I seldom brush my teeth or bathe. I don’t clean the house, I don’t change my clothes. Attempted suicide twice before, when young and swept up.
Lately I’ve strangled and hung myself repetitively until I began to black out, then I think of the kids and get back up again, then I feel overcome with despair and put the rope around my neck again, then I think of the kids with guilt and get up again. Then wake up to another goddamn day in paradise with a sore neck and throat. It is like a nightmare I can’t get away from, like I’m stuck in an infinite loop. I just stole a bottle of alprazolam from my mum on Thanksgiving. I’m not an illegal drug taker, never taken the stuff before. Was only thinking it is lethal. Thinking to get one more bottle of vodka, drink half of it, and swallow the whole bottle, maybe sitting with a rope tight around my neck. Took a few this morning with my vodka and blacked out for over half the day. I don’t remember today. I feel like a total failure, and that life is hell, and that life will always be hell. I don’t want anymore of it, I don’t feel there is any strength left,
I’m such a selfish melodramatic asshole. Then I tell myself to get over it, to go ahead with selling all my stuff, move back into my mommy’s shed as the fucking helpless reject basement dweller who can’t support herself, go back to the dirty welfare office and beg for assistance again, have the kids transfer schools, start writing and publishing again. And then I drink until I black out and lie still on the couch and can’t stop thinking of suicide.
Should I commit myself? I called a therapist but her first appointment available was a month off. I just can’t stop thinking of suicide, every day, repeatedly. Got a rope and a nice sack of pills. But I have kids to take care of, a duty to them. I just feel spent, like there’s nothing left but to die, like there’s no strength left. Would it be bad to commit yourself? What are you supposed to do when you get like this, and you’re thinking fucked up thoughts like this?
2 comments
Try a different therapist.
You have a few options. Since you are thinking of being committed, you can do that. You will have access to therapy, medication, etc. You have accomplished a lot while in remission so you shouldn’t be so tough on yourself. It is not your fault you have these medical issues. Another option is to apply for disability. Nothing wrong with that if you face so much job discrimination. Lastly, once you can get rid of all your self hatred, you know your kids will be well taken care of, and you know in your heart you are too ill to continue, you can look into organizations like – Right To Die to choose a gentle death.