I don’t know about much anymore…

So many things run through my head… The father who moved away, the mother who was never really a mother, the sister who I lost as a best friend to some loser boyfriend, the ex I want back, the stress of school, being broke, my battles with my illnesses… And there seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Every time I think I see it it just disappears…

Today:

I ate too much… Way more than usual. The usual being nothing or something very small when people are around to avoid questioning. I am home alone for the most part so it’s easy to “forget” to eat and work out for three hours instead. I have lost 30 pounds since Ana took over. She’s beautiful. She keeps me going. I can see my hip bones and my ribs for the again now that she’s back. I’m almost there. But it’s always just five more pounds, just skip one more meal, just one more hour on the elliptical… I let her take the wheel to make me beautiful. But today she left for just an hour or two. Without her I became weak and ate too much. I feel gross. I want to cut all the fat off me. I’m never good enough.
My ex is back in my life. But he is not mine. I love him so much. I talk to him every day. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out to him, telling him I love him and wrote him a message on how I see him. He tells me how sweet I am and how he misses us and there’s such a spark there. But yet he has yet to tell the girl he has been casually seeing that it’s over… I keep telling him how it hurts me that he won’t leave her. He keeps saying he will, but has an excuse every time.