Have you ever hated yourself so much, and despised yourself so much that you threw up? Or that you wanted just to destroy your self? God I hate me. Â And everyone who cuts themselves or starves themselves or hates themselves knows it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I hurt deep down so much that it bubbles up and I keep lashing out at people and then they hate me and I hate myself more. It’s a lethal circle.
I hurt because I feel like a failure who will never amount to anything. I know my friends who know about this are getting annoyed because they see me just banging my head against the wall. They constantly throw off a vibe that says, “Arn’t you fucking over this yet?” I hate the dawn of ever new day and knowing I’m still here.
I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Jimmy Stewart makes the wrong wish in that movie. He wishes he was never born and sees what the world would be like if he wasn’t. He should’ve asked, “What would it look like if i killed myself?” And he would have see that there would be sadness for awhile and then everyone would realize it was for the best. I know that’s how it’s going to be. I know I’m better off dead.