Another grey day.

Before I throw it all on this table, let me begin by telling about myself maybe it’ll give you a bit of perspective.

I was born in the early 90s to mediocre town I northern finland. My ‘family’ consisted of me, a father, a mother and an older brother. Travelling back there in my head sickens me. My childhood, if you can call it that, consists of bitter memories of my father ripping my hair off even from a slightest, honest mistake, like filling the dishwasher in a wrong way, or hitting me so hard that my ears rang just because i’d gotten a bad grade from a test or forgotten a book to the school. We didn’t talk much, he mostly shouted at me anyway so I avoided him. Like my mother, who silently watched and never sided with me, he always expected me to perform perfectly if I didn’t itwould be a punishment. And my brother? Well he didn’t stick around much but when he did he usually bullied me for kicks and wasn’t afraid of showing me how inferior I was being two years younger than him. All of this continued for years and I learned a way to cope, I buried it all inside and escaped into the videogame world. Naturally my parent weren’t happy that their perfect son didn’t get fit or excelled at anything but games, so I lost more than a few patches of hair..

Days trickled on by with endless arguments between my parents, me and my brother getting punished in between, though I always ended up taking the shorter stick. My school didn’t notice a thing because my grades didn’t drop rather they improved because I was so afraid of getting a bad grade.

By the time my parents finally divorced I was numb and done for. Had I had the lenght i’d killed myself on a hunting trip, the shotgun I was carrying was too long for me to point it at myself and pull the trigger. The interesting note at that divorce was that when my father came to tell me about it, he was crying. I didn’t shed a single tear that day and haven’t shed one up to this day, not because of that issue atleast. After the divorce I was taken to a psychiatric to make sure I didn’t get depressed due to the family breaking up… Even today I ask how blind or ignorant could they be to not notice anything before? I remember a conversation about a class where depression was the topic with my mother. Allow me to quote myself: “It’s funny, we talked about signs of depression and all but one matched to my life.” No action was taken, not before those two finally broke up. And by that point. Well you know what happens when the people around you cannot tolerate your mistakes or problems? You hide them, for good. My visit to thepsychiatric brought a result of completely fine and so my problems were hidden again…

Grey days melt into weeks then months, then years. Comprehensive school ended, the vocational institute started. My friendship got shorter, distant and shallow. Never had any girlfriend, never partied, kept telling myself that I wasn’t ready. Developped acne, got more distant from everyone. Occasionally my grey days were broken up by a trip here or there, sometimes even abroad, but they never lasted and grey sheet was pulled up again. And so went vocational institue along with my teen years, there isn’t a day which I wouldn’t want to change. How about that epic 18th birtday you ask? Well I was dragged to the middle of nowhere to shelter me and take me to where all my cousins were. Well… one of them bothered to visit so yeah I want to change that day too. After that came my short lived military career a lasted a month and was saved by the fact that I didn’t have ammo the day I broke down. It took me half a year of therapy to recover during which, I barely scored myself into a university.

So another big part of my life was ahead of me, if only it had gone like I hoped. My first year was utter garbage, the grey days were back, except this time I lived on my own. With some flatmates. I had hoped to make some friends and finally start my life, bah. I was air to most people and to top that off I discovered that I didn’t even like parties or being drunk. Bye bye common ground. After that discovery I started to have my problems again, problems that carry on to this day. I’m unable to cope with stress and sloppy when it came to things, despite acting like it was the complete opposite in public. Ignorantly I pushed on to the second year fighting my own self, without any help from anyone. Daily, grey life became so rough that I spent more and more time playing games than taking control of it. Games were now the focus, the escape of my life. And so came the third year.

And here I am a third year university student that’s got no friends, suffers from massive lack of energy, motivation, is an insane self critic, unable to take control of himself or his life nor catch his dreams. I wanted to be a Graphical artist and I even got as far as a to make it into a small game development team for a mobile game. But now the university upped their game, I can barely manage the courses set to me. And the game is nearing completion, during this time I’ve noticed that my skills aren’t good enough. And because I cannot control my daily life, I can’t get off my ass and learn. All my time goes to fighting myself and my equipment around me to get just another grey, stress marred, day to it’s completion.

I’m tired, if these university years are the best my life has to offer, I despair. It’s nothing but an endless lonely grey mist filled with fighting myself and the shadows of my past just to take another step forward, completing another meaningless task after another, endlessly going around. I can’t rest, I can’t find the help I’m looking for.

I was told to get medication, but I despice it all. Clouding my vision and self with a sickening sense of fakeness led nowhere, it didn’t last.

Now I just want to end it all and finally rest. I don’t want to wake up into yet another grey day