I think I have come to the conclusion that my social awkwardness has gone so far as to affect my relationship. I just can’t seem to communicate with him. I tried talking to him again last night. No extreme drama from me this time. Well at least I don’t think. Anyway, I told him that I just felt like a huge failure and that I can’t find any good worth in myself. I have been hearing from my mom for many years how she almost died giving birth to me and how her pregnancy with me was just terrible because she gained over 40 pounds and never was able to get her figure back. So it’s almost like I have been failinf since I was conceived. Go figure. I was never good enough for my mom, even when I made sure to get straight A’s and perfect attendance. Nope, in order to please her or get any good comments out of her I had to dress and look a certain way. All the nice comments I ever received from her were “oh your makeup looks so pretty that way. See? You look so pretty so you should wear makeup all the time.” or my favorite “If you don’t make yourself look nice, no guy will want to be with you or will end up leaving you” (her way of giving “advice”). So there I failed with her because I never cared enough about my appearance, not mention that I “nearly killed her” when I was born. My dad on the other hand was always so proud of my intellect, but again I disappointed him by never finishing school and instead getting married and having kids. I know I can still finish school, but even if I do finish there will always be some disappointment from him because i want to study art and to him it’s throwing away my brains. He wanted me to be a doctor. As for my siblings, well as the oldest of 4, 3 girls 1 boy, you would think I have the whole leader thing down, but no. My middle sister and my brother actually confronted me and told me they hated me. I was too smart and too good and they didn’t like it because it made them look bad. So I stayed away from them. I was so afraid of what my baby sister thought of me that I avoided her until she was probably 13 and then we kind of gravitated towards each other. We both think similarly and have similar values, so I guess I haven’t failed her yet. She’s too far away for me to really do anything more than support her in school. Then there’s my husband, well technically fiance but we’ve been together so long might as well say husband. He was supposed to be my success. He was an aloholic headed for either death or prison. I helped him find a better path and be a better person. I put six years into supporting him and helping him find himself and I have plenty of love to give him for the rest of my life. With him, I finally felt worthy of love. I felt good about what I was doing with my life. He never judged what I did or was disappointed with who I wanted to be. I wanted to give him the world, that’s how much I feel helping him helped me. So I gave him 2 babies. Kids I was so afraid to ever have for fear of being like my mom. Not to mention I find giving birth to your own kids when there are so many children in need of love and a home, that’s just the most selfish thing ever. Yeah I wanted kids. After I had finished school and had a good career established and was married, I wanted to adopt. At least 4 kids is what I wanted. I went against all my beliefs to make him happy. Dropped out of college because my first pregnancy was so bad and I was on bed rest. Even after the first pregnancy was so hard on me, I went thru with the second one for him as well. He wanted 3 kids. Yes, we had problems. Lots of problems that were draining me, but he kept telling me and promising me that he wanted this life. He was ready for fatherhood and being a husband. Then 6 or 7 months into the second pregnancy, on our 6th anniversary, he tells me he no longer loves me and that the last 6 years were a lie. That he only got with me to make his parents happy and that he couldn’t love me anymore because all the passion was gone. Then, because I begged him to give me a chance, to give us a chance, he decided he made up his mind and he started going out of his way to hurt me and sabatoge everything. He began cheating and decided to tell me after his wh0re found out he had kids and broke up with him. 1 week after I gave birth, he told me. This was my ultimate failure. To not be wanted by someone like him. To be nothing to someone like him. Obviously there is something very wrong with me. I still love him and can forgive him. It’s me I’m angry at. I didn’t stop or prevent this from happening. I hate the wh0re who knowingly got her hooks on him. I know she knew he had someone. Nobody is that stupid to believe otherwise when the guy you start screwing right away only texts you and meets you late at night in a park. Anyway, I tell him all this, and he says nothing. So I ask him, what’s wrong with me, he says nothing, you’re great. What’s so great about me? Silence. Then, he says “I don’t know…you’re pretty?” So that’s all I am. A face. An object to be used and abused. Not worthy of success. I’m too awkward to make friends and my family is all screwed up. I have nothing good to offer anyone. And still, he is silent. He says I deserve better than him, and maybe I do. But he also says I need to do what makes me happy. Loving him makes me happy. But he won’t allow that. Ok, so maybe if I leave and fall off everyone’s radar, I think that would work. No, he says that’s stupid and besides my kids need me. I can’t win. If I do what I want it won’t work because it’s selfish. If I feel what I want it won’t work because he just can’t believe I feel that way so I must be wrong. I’m wrong if I feel what my heart tells me. I’m wrong if I want out. I can’t think of anything good about me. I feel likea failure. And of course he can’t think of anything good either. Maybe I just can’t communicate right, so I tell him I just won’t talk anymore. It works better that way. No, you can’t do that either, he says. So that’s me. A failure. Only worthy and useful as a pretty face. As an object to be taken advantage of. I’m a failure.
Anyway, that all happened last night. It had been sitting on my mind for a long time. I do tend to say alot and skip around and repeat myself, so I’m sure people will start to notice if they read what I write. It’s just my mind never stops thinking and rethinking so stuff comes out many times over. It’s my process. I like writing here because there are so many people here who understand. Since I have only 2 little babies I talk to and spend 100% of my time with, you all are my only adult communication. I guess this is like a dairy for me. An escape. I want to thank everyone who does take the time to read what I write and especially those who resond with advise. I do listen and appreciate anything and everything you all have to say. Hearing your advice helps. So thanks to all who read and even more thanks to those who comment.
43 comments
Hello there,
I just have to say that I read your entire post and, perhaps you did repeat a few things over, but I still understood the message you were trying to get across.
Right, okay so your mum knew she’d gain weight from getting pregnant so she really can’t blame you as…well…you were an unborn fetus. I’m glad to hear your grades in school were good. I made it to 5th Form (aged 15) before my arse got kicked out. I’ve never understood why many women wear copious amounts of makeup (not saying you do) but the majority anyway. It’s almost like they’re trying to hide something, but who would want to hide a beautiful face behind a mountain of artificial product?
It would appear that your relationship with your ex was fabricated from the start; I am sincerely sorry you had to go through that. I think for the sake of your sanity and your children you need to sever all ties with this “fella” (I ain’t gonna call him a man) and focus on your children. I can tell you are a loving person, maybe too loving, the fact you had your life planned out before this all happened demonstrates you are a forward thinking person, only to be trolled by your emotions i.e giving that “fella” two babies. I mean your babies now.
This post tells me you’re more than a mere object of desire or beauty. You have so much love in your heart but the observations of others have made you question yourself to the point of not feeling worthy of yourself. Look inside you, if I can see it, you can see it too! I believe you are an incredible person to have put your life on hold to provide for another. I know it has taken an unexpected turn but I’m sure you will find a way out of this. I hope you do decide to finish your education and that your relationship with your youngest sister strengthens. I wish you the best of luck with raising your two children and that everyday of your life is not too much of a struggle.
Sorry for the long comment, and I hope this helps somewhat. I apologise for not being able to address everything you said.
No need to apologize, Rogue. I really appreciate what you said. I know deep down I can make my life work again. I know I can fix things and move back up. I guess I just got so down and hit so hard by everything that I just don’t really want to try anymore. I am so afraid of failing again, especially after all this mess. I thought I knew everything and now that all my certainty was taken from me, it’s left me all confused and messed up. I know I love too much, but I guess it’s something I have to work on. It doesn’t help any that my “fella” (love that by the way, it made me laugh alittle) keeps giving me mixed signals. Our counselor believes he is just confused and does love me but is trying to revert and have his cake and eat it too so to speak. We shall see. I’m very thankful you responded and your comment did help a bit.
One thing I tell myself all the time is “I really can’t be certain about it, but I don’t know for sure.” This makes me question every little decision I make, constantly scrutinizing it until I have an inkling of “possibly maybe” about something. We can really never be 100% about something, which is what I have come to understand. Ha, “fella” is what we used in the army to describe an idiot, I only ever got the “Mister” treatment so yeah. Mixed signals are the worst, because you don’t know if you can “clear” them up or not, and if a message isn’t clear, how are we suppose to respond? I have also learnt that the “cake” really is a lie, so I’m not sure what exactly he is trying to eat. Besides, I think he’s had a little too much.
Well, then I guess “fella” works in this case. haha. Yes Mixed signals are the worst. What you said about the “cake” and him having too much is what our counselor says…so I guess everyone sees it but him :/.
Is he shortsighted like me? Because I often don’t realise I’m overdoing something until either it becomes blatantly obvious or someone points it out. I mean this in both the theoretical and practical sense. You spent six years with the fella, describe him to me in…three words or even a simple phrase, if you don’t mind? I’m trying to build a better picture of both parties involved.
I guess he is shortsighted. How to describe him…he has a lot of narcissist qualities and a bit of a superman complex. But he is also fiercly protective and funny as hell, which I guess is what drew me in. We are pretty much opposites
Ahh… a “vanity AFfair” I see. This is another case I’ve seen of opposites attract, would you say polar opposite or not that far apart? I mean obviously you’d seen something in him to spend six years of your life with him and provide two children along the way, this may well be something I’ll never see for myself nor understand in your case. I’m a bit young to really understand this I suppose.
Pretty polar opposites. Which I think is why it worked but also why it fell apart. It was his charisma and his carefree attitude that kept attracted, and still does. I tend to be very uptight and his attitude kind of brought me out of my shell while my attitude brought him down to reality. Kind of a balancing act. I don’t understand it very well myself and I’m living it haha.
I’m assuming he still possesses these qualities even now? Was this your first big break from your ordinary life to go venture the world so to speak? I say this as it is typical that many would first experience life before settling down as you have.
Indeed, there are people in our lives that bring a much needed different perspective to ourselves especially, it sure looks like that’s what he did for you.
Yes, he is still very much the same. This “settling down” was my venturing out and experiencing the world. I was 17 when we met. 19 when I moved in. First baby at 21, second 23. I will be 24 in April.
He was the different perspective I needed. Especially since everyone sees me as only being this introverted smart girl and he was kind of my excuse to be fun and act “stupid.”
Well, geez. You’re still young! I’m 21 this October and…wow…I’m kind of sad I haven’t achieved what you have. I describe myself as introverted as well, and I feel as if many people don’t really understand how I can feel comfortable alone in a crowd of people and not feel the need to socialise, although I do crave interaction from time to time as I’m sure you may as well? I think the past six years will have prepared you for the rest of your life, regardless of how things go with him.
So you had love in your life. I think that counts as success. I never had love.
21? You’re still young too. Don’t be sad, you have plenty of time to accomplish so much. Having kids is definitely not all it’s cracked out to be. And yes, I do crave interaction. More so now than I have before mostly because my day consists of conversing with a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I’m not sure I like that you are correct to say my 6 years have prepared me for the rest of my life. It makes me sad because it’s like I grew up too fast. You are right, though. I think I will be able to handle most things the rest of life has to give me once I get myself up and going again, regardless what happens with him.
I guess you believe it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I guess you have a point, but once you experience love then have it taken away, maybe you will understand. Love really is like a drug.
It’s better to taste a good food once then never. Yeah I think that.
Hm nice comparison. I have to admit you make a good point.
I noticed you call the woman your husband was cheating you with a whore, I do understand that considering that they met at a park. But did you not say she did not know about his double life? Or did she only not know about the fact that he had kids? Because if she is a whore, he is as much so in my opinion. Probably even more, since he carried a responsibility towards you and his children. It takes two people to start an affair.
She knew about me, not his children. He mentioned he had kids in passing and that was why she broke it off. I agree, it does take two. I also feel though, that I wasn’t giving him what he was looking for and that was why he cheated. I know that’s weird and probably messed up to think like that, but when people cheat, it is for a reason. That’s why I can forgive him.
I feel much older though *sigh*. You read my poem so I think you get where my mindset is at. Having a child/children was what I’d always aspired to, no matter how hard or trying it would be as I’ve literally seen it all. Admittedly, the only social interaction I get is through this site, has been for the past 6 months. You did grow up fast, pretty fast, but now you have the tools to handle whatever life hurls your way.
Yes, I remember your poem very well. When you do have a child, all you have seen are your tools to help that child be a better person. As a parent, that’s our responsibility is to help our kids be better than us. At least that is how I see it. I do interact with other people, mainly my “fella’s” (I can’t stop with that, it’s just to funny) friends, as the only friend I really have lives in another city and attends university. And on occasion my sister and I text. Plus there’s my counselor. Yeah, I guess this site is my only “real” social interaction. I have other aquaintances, but it’s hard to see myself going to a bar or club as a married mom of 2 who just gave birth only 2 months ago.
RogueLonesome, you have plenty of time to achieve what you want. We are young. I have no kids either btw
I have nothing but time. Honestly. I can’t find that drive I once had to achieve anything, it’s funny because that’s the very same drive that kept me alive for so long. I now resume my meager existence.
You know Rogue, now that I think about it, you are the same age as my brother. He will be 21 in February. He is a jr high drop out who got his ged thru a military boot camp but then landed himself in and out of jail several times. He was (and might still be) a gang banger, drug dealer and a thief. He just got sentenced to 4 years in prison. That is where he will be when he turns 21. Sometimes, just having a meager existence is a good thing. You don’t want to force yourself to jumpstart your life especially in a low state because it might end up badly, and not in the I’m-going-to-kill-myself kind of way. You have nothing but time? That’s ok. You can figure yourself out first and get your drive back so you can accomplish all that you desire.
I think that was the allure for me having a child. To show them some beauty in this world before it all turns to custard and mould them into a better person than me. You have the support network there though, which is always a bonus. In regards to your brother, I am sorry to hear that. I often think of myself as a lost soul but maybe I’m just confused, is this how you would describe your brother? I do not wish to attain a higher sense of living as I am comfortable with where I find myself right now. I will admit, I’ve often fantasized about using my skills for less than ideal purposes to better sustain myself financially, but I know it is wrong and is just that. A fantasy.
I know I can recollect myself and carry on, but I feel as if it is futile to even entertain the idea. I have to learn not to embrace that fantasy world in my head.
Well Rogue, support doesn’t always mean family. If one day you find that you feel strong enough and find someone who wants you as you are, then why not have a child? Or go adopt a child. Plenty of kids in this world who would look past your flaws as long as you show them love. I believe a lost soul is just confused. Confused pretty badly. Yes, I think my brother is a bit of a lost soul. But he hopes to make a change and stick with it. If you are ok with where you are then by all means maintain. I think anyone with those skills would be tempted. It is the things we are very good at that can test us the most. You are only human. It’s ok to fantasize. At the moment, we are stuck at the bottom. And that’s ok if you are ok with it for now. Like I said, there is no need to force anything.
That is true, although I like to think that your fella’s friends or your acquaintances would support you? Hmm I’m not one to be actively seeking a woman, haven’t done so for quite awhile now, and I’ve seriously considered adoption, although I have no idea how it works in my country. I wish the best for your brother, I have many family members who have/had gone wayward and I like to think that it’s never too late to turn around. Being former military carries a certain stigma I suppose, everyone expects you to be this cold, ruthless killing machine. Oh, how I contradict that. I won’t force any change, I’ll just gradually let it happen.
I wouldn’t really be ok with support from his friends if it meant they have to choose me over him. I guess i care too much about how he would feel. I actually almost told one of them everything as i was pretty drunk. But even drunk all i could say was take care of him no matter what happens and put him first. Women are not good people in general, in my opinion. Too many gossip and are too selfish when it comes to relationships. It wouldnt hurt to look into your countrys adoption system if you choose to take that route. Thank you for thinking of my brother. I feel as you do about people being able to change. And yes that stigma is just so wrong for too many people. Change can be good so long as its gradual. Gives one time to adjust
Okay, understood about his friends.I think I’m inclined to agree with you in regards to women: sometimes I wonder what it must actually be like for a woman to stir up trouble and be oh so selfish and stuff towardw everyone. This is definitely a cage I do not want to rattle so I’ll leave it there…
In the near future I may surely look up our adoption laws, it seems like a pretty logical choice in my case. With change comes quite a lot of questions and I honestly wish I could answer them all, but at some point I become overwhelmed, as I’m sure you’d understand.
Yes i completely understand and agree with all you have stated. I have been overwhelmed all too often, as imsure most everyone here is. I guess thats why we are here.
Overwhelmed, oppressed and yet we are all still carrying on. If only there were a medal for this, as we would all deserve it. Well, we’re coping for now and that’s what matters, we’re still here and still alive. And I just want to say thanks for talking with me today, it’s been really great 🙂
Thank you for talking to me too. Its nice to feel heard. And yes we all deserve huge medals.
You’re welcome! Well, I’m here usually every day and if you ever need to be heard again, feel free to look me up. I imagine it being pretty late where you are?
Same to, if you want to talk. Its about 1130p here, but i get little sleep thanks to my 2 month old. And my thoughts. I am trying to get on here everyday and when i do im usually on and off quite literally all day
Hmm is that Midwest time? It’s 1833hrs on January 24 where I live, guess I’m from the future haha. I used to enjoy looking after babies when I had the chance, I was always good with them. I know what you mean by the thoughts, sometimes I can stare at a wall for hours on end just “thinking.” Yes, I am the same in regards to being on this site. It’s been more prevalent lately, but well I’ve met some awesome people here so I’m not going to complain.
Pretty close. Central time. 11:40 pm jan 23. You are in the future! Haha. I’ve always struggled with babies, especially since these are mine and i cant give them back to mom when they cry. I find myself more drawn to this site as well. For the “socializing” and even just to read some of the conversation that go on. They get pretty deep. There are so many intelligent people on here.
I always get confused with the time zones that different people live in, I am still just getting used to it. I’ve always wondered what I’d be like with my own child, I’m confident I’d do well, and would likely do so as a solo parent. When I first came to this site I knew I’d found someplace special and I am truly honoured to have interacted with everyone here. The convo’s here do tend to really hit deep and strike home, something you rarely see on other social sites.
Well im good with the us time zones thanks to football games and ufc fights, of all things. You are very mature for someone so young and have been thru so much. That in itself will make you a great parent, single or not. Those of us that struggle as we do tend to overcompensate with our children. At least i know i do so they dont end up like me. It is amazing how the conversations and even relationships between the people here are.
Don’t mean to interrupt the conversation, but i just had to say… you are not a failure, after reading all that? nope, not a chance. You went against your own beliefs and wishes to make someone happy, someone who you practicly pulled out of a future filled of just self destruction, not many people would do that. Just that alone gives you more value than most.
Your interruption is welcome. Thank you for your comment keief. It really makes me feel good to hear that. I know deep down im not a failure, but everything just makes me feel like i am. I guess im used to being self critical and negative. But thanks for “interrupting”. Feel free to “interrupt” anytime.
And yet I only have to deal with one time zone and I’m still confused, haha. Like you, I grew up very fast at a young age, I’d say about seven years old is where I felt I’d become more than just a child and having to distinguish between right and wrong. Being through what I have, its thickened my skin but made me wise beyond my years, both a blessing and curse.
I have observed many friendships and relationships on this site and they are really great in the way they blossom and grow. I myself found a friend on here, and have been talking with her since last October, it’s scary how much I and her relate, but she has been such a true friend to me. It really is awesome.
It really is both a blessing and curse. Im glad to hear you made a friend on here. Hopefully you continue making more. Im going to be off now as my baby is finally asleep! I have maybe 3-4 hours to try and sleep if ny mind will turn off. Thank you for the conversation today. I hope you consider me a new friend. And hopefully we can continue to talk later.
As do I, and I hope you find friendship on here too! You are welcome, I have thoroughly enjoyed my conversation with you today, and look forward to many more. Oh, and how could I not consider you a friend? Of course you’re a friend to me! Well goodnight, hope you get some rest 🙂
Thank you rogue. I will try.