I laugh but I’m dying inside

I almost said dying, but on its own we’re all dying, life slowly committing its own sort of suicide, the organs beating valiantly against the unstoppable force of death.

I laugh because I see my niece and nephew, and they’re so light and carefree.  They can’t yet know any of this, be tainted by any part of this world.

And then, while my sister and my mother are fighting, I dream of doing it tonight, lying in the living room between the tv and the couch where I rot, blood spilling everywhere into a red memory.  Let them slip on it.  Then maybe someone will hear me.

And the professionals keep pumping me full of drugs.  I don’t want them.  I don’t even think I need them.  But what choice do I have?  In terms of depression, my brain is fine.  It’s my situation that sucks.  It’s me that sucks.  Only I can save myself, but it’s too late.

There will never be one thing worth this ruse.  Not one thing worth the entirety of the past and not one thing that can redeem the future.  Nothing to even spare the world.

Getting out of here is a dream, even if it is meaningless.  Go somewhere far away from these people.  Go back to whatever planet I fell from.  Then she can’t use me as a weapon.  It’s funny.  My sister thinks I was all anyone cared about and yet I never felt comfortable telling anything to my mom.  I was the one who receded into the background so she could have all the attention she still craves.  She’s a selfish, abusive idiot, yet she lives in a world without consequence.

I was trying to think of a song but there are enough options and I stopped giving a fuck halfway through this and I don’t know why I’m bothering.  Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.  But I’d rather die now than wait for the concert.

[Nikki:] “I’ve had enough and I WANT OUT!”
[Dr. X:] “You can’t walk away now.