I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to be here. I’m not suicidal, I just wish I was erased from the memories of family and friends. I wish I would forget everything that ever happened to me and maybe I could start a new life.
I am still able to laugh and enjoy things but when I’m alone I cry and hope that maybe I will be erased from existence. I sleep when I’m at my lowest because the pain becomes too much, I take comfort in the fact that once I’m sleeping there’s a chance I won’t ever wake up.
I have people who would probably help me if I asked. But I don’t want to ask for help let alone interact with them. I want to be alone, because people are horrible and they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in.
I used to cut, not deeply, just so I could feel the sting and see the blood. It felt good to know that I had control over part of me. Now I don’t see the point in cutting. I just pray that maybe the rest of my years could be given to someone who deserves them, because I don’t. I don’t even want to be here.
5 comments
I can relate, I dont want to kill myself but I really dont want to be alive anymore. An I think people know it, Ive been toled Im living life like Im trying to die. Which is true.
I hate the fact that others feel the same as me.
I relate to your post a lot. I felt like that for a while before starting to think about killing myself for real. As long as your mind and body are functionnal, you might be able to continue your life, and nobody will notice your pain.
but I fear you will eventually collapse like I am right now. If you don’t trust the people around you, to help you through your pain, then you probably need a professional help. Maybe you could try to find some. Maybe some phone line or something like that.
I’d be happy to talk to you if you need to, also. This is my fake FB : https://www.facebook.com/missholly.grey and I sometimes am online on the crisis chat too.
Take good care and know that you’re not alone.
“I don’t want to die”
Good. Now that we have established that…we can try to figure out what exactly you need to want to live….a purpose? love? friendship? helping others?…. any of these things can make you want to live.
You can start a “new” life. Not fresh out the womb new but you can. There is no way to erase the memories people possess of you even if you died. However you can move so far away from them that they forget about you. Its what I’m going to do when I get on my feet. I’m going to pay my family the money I owe them for helping me in my time of need then I’m cutting them ALL off….well most of them anyways…
” because people are horrible and they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in.” ….What a coincidence… I was just telling Perfectly Imperfect that you have to be able to discern who is worthy of trust but putting them under a magnifying class and see if they hold up under scrutiny… I test people before I trust them…. Take preventative steps to prevent being hurt….connecting with the wrong people can be devastating…however…connecting with the right people can be rewarding…
Take care… I hope you’re able to recover…
You can’t have it both ways. Either you are alive or you are dead.
There is a gray area that is in between living and dying. Technically you’re right though but I understand what they were getting at