It’s 2014 and I can’t say I feel anything “new” about it. These days, which fly by ridiculously fast, a new year really signifies how much I still haven’t done or accomplished. Every year I make it to the next day, I begin to see the clouds in the sky that used to be a bright, beautiful blue during the day. At night, the clouds still appear overhead, instead of the bright, shiny stars I once thought to shoot for over long distances. Over three decades or so on this planet, and I would assume by now I would have more clarity in my perspective of this world, as well as where I fit in it. Unfortunately, that blue sky of day and stars of the night are now covered with what appear to be dark, grey clouds of doubt and disbelief.
Belief. I used to believe in God once, and the eternal salvation granted unto us from the Lord on high; we walk by faith and not by sight; blessed are the poor in spirit longing for their lord; etc. I no longer do; however, my lack of belief does not equal a hatred towards organized religion. I am just not entirely convinced following several strange and terrible experiences that challenged my faith, but I do believe blind faith seems to be an excuse to live in ignorance, complacence, and apathy. Strangely, I thought I opened my eyes to find my own gospel truth of how the world works, but now I’m not so sure. It’s either the case where there is too much to understand beyond comprehension of any reasonable being, or there is nothing to understand; I find myself on uneven ground, trying to find my footing to no avail.
So, what does a person do who can’t see, believe, and lack stability of perception, no matter how shallow or complex the vignette that lies at the forefront of reality? Most would offer the notion of communicating the truth through a different method. If you can’t see, why not learn braille? If you can’t believe, why not live and experience before you can judge what you see as belief or disbelief? If you can’t stand, why not take a break and roll in a wheelchair? Basically, most would try to find a means to start over to either reassess, reaffirm, or retard any method to find a believable truth to keep you going.
What if, during all this assessment, you consider the facts that your parents hate you for being what they consider a failure at life, but can’t help but take and ask for more money they claim you owe them for giving you life that you didn’t ask for while smiling in your face, and stabbing you in the back; your siblings are either clinically insane or addicted to controlled substances, and will only bother you for money when needed; every woman you ever loved either didn’t commit, left you for someone else, or passed away; all your so-called friends moved on and took advantage of your kindness to leave you out in the cold after they used you because you had money they needed at the time; every job you ever worked at and resigned from had people that feared and hated you for not being one of them, or not kissing enough ethnic-centric ass; every great opportunity to fulfill some of many lifelong dreams were put to a halt because of bad timing with circumstances completely out of your control; everyone you ever cared about lied in the past, and continues to lie to you in the present to take advantage of your trust?
In my little assessment above, I’ve come to conclude a very sad notion that produces the proverbial clouds of doubt that pollute my beautiful visions of the perfect day and night skies: I can’t see, believe, and lack stability of perception because I can’t trust any one person or any one thing. With that in mind, can I really trust myself if I can’t trust what I feel, hear, or see? Oddly, I would think I would be more resentful towards everything in the world to the point where it would be nice to watch everything just crash and burn around me, but what would be the point in that if this will all reach an inevitable end, anyway? All my experiences have done is make me a little more bitter, and perhaps, a little more withdrawn from the outside world with every passing second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. The only thing I can trust is that my life will eventually end, and I’ll be existing, or rather, waiting in this unfortunate purgatory called life.
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Eyes can deceive
Words can speak untruth
Siren songs can sound so sweet, while leading to your doom
You know these things, because you have lived them.
That’s how you know you can trust yourself: you know not to take for granted what your senses tell you, how things may appear, what words may be uttered… but to more closely examine everything, because it’s all suspect… because innumerable entities have displayed their intent to manipulate your senses and exploit your good will.
I guess that is how you know you are really alone in this world and you only have yourself to trust and no one else.
Dear uni687,
There is nothing wrong with believing in a higher power. We are energy after all encapsulated in a human shell. Jesus was a real man, like man other figure heads of other religions. They did exist on this planet. The problem is when those heads of organized religions twist and distort the meaning behind the faith to better themselves through the lies of money, power, and material possessions. With you claiming to believe in the lord, lets keep with the simplest ideas of the 10 Commandments. Is there anyone of those that is too hard to understand. Maybe, maybe not.
I have the grace of being half blind, things i use to trust “because i saw them” now are meaningless. I see things that are not there now or miss things that there. What a life changing event. With this i started to reflect on things i was taught in school, church and through friends. Maybe i have been seeing things that are not there in these cases too, Equally interesting maybe i have been not seeing what has been there the whole time.
You should have to carry any burdens of disappointment in your live about life long goals that were put on hold because of timing or circumstances. That is life, there is no guarantee things will turn out as planned. I will be lucky if i make it through this reply and write correctly even half of what i have to say. As i tell many others, the rest of the world are fighting their own battles within themselves and they also radiate their felt short comings upon other either willfully to bring a second of felt happiness to themselves by making your life more difficult, or they unintentionally bring negativity in your direction because they are blinded by their own fears.