Wandering the world aimlessly, I continue to descend, faster and faster as I feel the wind in my hair. I see all the faces along the way, all the hurt, all the desires, all the love, all the moments. Little moments in each box, like presents waiting to be opened on Christmas morning. Presents that will be lost for all eternity. Deeper and deeper I dive into my slumber, into the depths of my mind, the depths of my soul, into the center of the earth and beyond. Everything engulfs me and swallows me whole and I become one once again. Each time I dream it comes a bit closer, closer to my heart, closer to my mind, and closer to my reality. Close enough I can almost grasp it, but not quite. The mind is a mysterious playground, reality is not defined or what you see. It is not tangible.
Each being creates their version of reality and neither is wrong or right. Stop fighting the urge to conform, stop trying to make your reality theirs. It will never happen. My reality is deep within my head and I create a world that I wish to live in. That only I will understand. Even if it is misery. I met one other like me, he is wrapped in his box, and never to be opened again. The past is behind me, and there are so many things I need to figure out, yet I don’t know if Im ever going to be on the right path. I should have followed my heart, I should have followed the dream that I have, to create a world that is my own. To be around others that are like me.
Now I am stuck, playing the game alone. I have to conform to this world. I lost the opportunities and I lost what I truly wanted to do. Even if it didn’t last forever, even if I struggled, even if I faltered and failed and died, at least I would have not been dragged through the mud each day looking at my face in the mirror, a face I barely recognize, a face that is not worth shit. I am not who I say I am, and even though I’m too weak to give up this fight, I will keep up the façade for now, for I am just the imposter, I am just the crumpled up mess, worse off than he ever was. He might have been sick, he might have been crazy, but he was like me. He was right and he always will be. Forever in my memory.
I chose life of course, but I’m paying for it now. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know who I am. I’m 32 years old, I’m washed up to the shore of your reality, I’m the carcass of the woman I thought I wanted to be, but I’m just a shell now: A shell of disaster, a shell of hatred, and a shell of despair. The only things I have to live for is that of my children, nothing else gives me a reason for being here. Everything else is pointless. I’ll never mesh in with this world, I’m not supposed to be here. In this hell, in this horrid fucking hell. I just want to run away, but where do I go? There is no where to go, there is no god, there is nothing. There is just me stuck in this artificial world that defines who we are and gives us a reason to be. For what? Because we have to work our ass off just live? Just to survive? Why? Where is the joy? And the love? Is this the world I want my children to grow into? Pointless.
15 comments
I have to agree with most of what you wrote, i’m 31 and i have no clue of what i’m doing with my life or why i’m doing it, what i should do next or who i am anymore… is funny how things can go so bad in not so much time, or maybe one just doesn’t see it until everything is really broken.
At least you have a child to fight for, one of the reasons i’ve never had children (other than being a screw up) is because i wouldn’t want to bring someone that even resembles a part of me into a world so fucked up as it is now. But i know that if i ever had one, it would be a real strong (and maybe the only) reason why i would be hanging on.
lostsoultb…..the tibetan book of living and dying
what “urge to conform?”
And i disagree: not everyone “creates their own vision of reality.” Some people just want to see things as they actually are (as close as we can get to such a thing). If my goal is to see things as they are (as closely as possible), then what is actually happening, is that i am watching everyone else’s choices and actions create “my reality,” while those people’s choices and actions are based on whatever has filled their minds.
Everyone has a part of creating everyone’s reality; not everyone is interested in seeing things as they actually are. THOSE people do indeed “create their own vision of reality.” And if anyone believes an artificial fantasy that is not compatible with or represented by actual reality, then their “version” of reality is indeed wrong.
Objective reality is what actually is; Subjective reality is whatever you think it is. Apparently, very few people are capable of, or even interested in, aligning these two often disparate notions. Obviously, no one is truly capable of 100% perfect clarity in observing objective reality… but some people don’t even care to try, while others will never accept anything other than the clearest possible understanding of the way things actually are, instead of fooling themselves into a false reality, and then attempting to justify it by trivializing the efforts of those who actually do care to figure out how things really are.
clever name: thank you for pulling apart and impeding your opinions on my life and post. Thank you for giving me yet another reason to kill myself. This world is filled with hatred. My reference was not about how people view reality necessarily. It was about being mentally ill in a world that treats you like its your fault, and if you can’t give up, then you have to play the game and join society. And it fucking sucks. It was merely a rant because I found this site, and thought people would understand, but obviously, people like yourself do not and will not understand me for who I am, and what I go through every day since I was a child. This isn’t a debate, I’m not debating my feelings with anyone or justifying my thoughts or expressions, perhaps you should keep them to yourself, or if you truly cared to ask, I would be happy to share my experiences with you. Good day.
inf1n1: thanks for sharing I’m going to read it.
uh… so are you mad that i said something different than what you think? If that’s the case, you shouldn’t be mad. At least, not at me. Nothing i said in that previous comment was in any way intended to condescend or demean you.
It really bothers me that people can’t just discuss things rationally, without someone getting all upset.
I didn’t really go out of my way to deconstruct anything you said… just 2 things jumped out at me as needing an opposing angle. And i’m certainly not “impeding” you, in anyway. If you don’t like something i’ve expressed, you are fully capable of disregarding it. According to what you’ve written… you of all people should know that.
I was simply saying that, for me, there is no “urge to conform.” If anything, my “urge,” is NOT to conform, because of the reasons “society” is the ways it is, and that it wants to compel us all to conform to something that i don’t think is valid or acceptable, and should not be encouraged or endorsed. So… resist the “urge?” No. Resist the “compulsion?” Yes.
Nothing i’ve said here has anything to do with hatred. There was zero ill-will in my comment. In fact, i actually agreed with you in several ways, especially the part about being blamed for things that are beyond your realm of control. I’ve experienced plenty of that first hand, throughout my entire life. I’ve been a favorite scapegoat of many, many people, since i was a child. I’ve watched people make decisions to cause problems, and then blame me for the results THEY chose to produce. It’s… astonishing, and infuriating, and depressing as hell, to be repeatedly singled out as the scapegoat, anytime anyone in the vicinity needs to try to shift the responsibility for their own actions, to someone else. That is one of the primary reasons why i’m so keen on identifying who is really responsible for causing what effect, and then further, attempting to understand why people do the things they do.
And i’m telling you… just what i said above. I’ll even quote you:
“It was about being mentally ill in a world that treats you like its your fault, and if you can’t give up, then you have to play the game and join society. And it fucking sucks.”
Don’t think for a second that i don’t understand how that feels. It doesn’t only happen with mental illness… it happens with almost everything that isn’t compatible with the “status quo,” or anything that is different enough from what people are taught to expect, that they reject those with such traits, and then even blame those people for things they had no way of controlling or choosing. It even happens with being smart enough to know when people are wrong, and not wanting to go along with “the game.” People act like i should want to go along with the game… but the game is rigged! Why “should” i want to play a game that has been designed to be impossible for certain people to win, based on things they’ll never be allowed to choose or control? Why would anyone want to submit and conform and participate in such futility? I wouldn’t. Lots of people don’t. That’s partly why i’m so adamant about people understanding things as they really are… so that we can work toward changing what’s really wrong, so that people aren’t caused undue and unnecessary suffering, just because the system already exists, has already been established as “normal,” and people who benefit from it don’t want it to change.
I just want to reiterate once more: nothing i said in that first comment was meant in any derogatory way. I’m not really sure why you took offense to it (i could guess, but i won’t), but none was intended.
“It really bothers me that people can’t just discuss things rationally, without someone getting all upset.”
Many people here do not want to have “discussions” but rather have themselves and their feelings acknowledged and understood, you should respect that
Personally I like “discussions” on here. Hearing other people’s opinions is one of the things I enjoy most. Although I have to say it also true that some people here just want to be comforted by being acknowledged or understood.. and those are the people who probably cannot handle someone saying something contradictory to what they think because they are too emotional at the moment.
That being said, how do you know that your perspective is right if you haven’t explored others? It’s always good to listen to other people’s opinions.. whether you take it on board or discard is your choice. But shutting everyone out and taking away their right to express their opinion is kind of narrow-minded and foolish because you never know what you’ll find if you always have that mindset.
Well crap, everything I’m writing today seems to have words missing or grammatical errors.. I think you get the point though.
@SB: you know, there’s a complicated thing i want to explain here… but i’m guessing people have already decided what to think.
Well this is just my opinion but I much rather have others with a different point of view from my own discuss things with me so that I expand my mind to other possibilities and ideas….its much more interactive and productive over simply going around to every post just to acknowledge and understand them…..not saying those things are bad but when accompanied by a rational logical discussion then minds can be changed and new things can be learned…. I welcome people like clevername in my presence for one reason….he can probably show me something I didn’t take into consideration or something I overlooked …..I’m not perfect….but with the others input I can certainly be as close as I could possibly get to it….
Sometimes people need to understand that others just want to help….no matter what they say if the intention is to help then take the advice….if not? you can always delete their comment (not that I enjoy the trampling of the 1st amendment but hey)…or simply ignore it….if they are being an asshole let their words speak for themselves…..you don’t always have to call something stupid or whatever it is for others to also know that as well….just let others read what they said and reach the same conclusion….
Say it @clevername, I want to hear. lostsoulcb can just ignore us if he/she wishes..
I’m sorry I was defensive, I really don’t know what I was thinking at that moment. It’s been a rough couple of days. I’m just upset with my loved ones for blaming me and keeping me on “probation” and holding everything over my head. I’m sick of being the scapegoat, and the black sheep, and being under constant surveillance. I’m sick of feeling stuck, I’m sick of feeling let down, and I’m sick of feeling dependent on others. I wish I could just stand up and shake all of this off but I can’t. I have to just keep trudging along. Because I know if I just up and left I would regret it, because I’ve done it before and I’m still paying for my mistakes of the past. I just don’t know when enough is enough. I either have to give up now, or step up to the plate, and honestly, I don’t know if I can do either. If only I could just hide under a rock for a while. ;/ Thanks for your input though, I guess I need a therapist more than anything! lol
Sometimes people are agitated and get worked up over a perceived slight. I honestly meant no offense; like you (apparently), i was feeling a bit more agitated than usual today. Lots of people take issue with my verbosity and directness. It’s just the way i am. I realize people often dislike that, but i dislike pretending to be something i’m not… and i think it’s more important to be okay with myself, than to try to make everyone else okay with me. I have to live with me; they don’t.
Yea I hear ya, I’m a people pleaser with a defensive edge and a bit of paranoia, it gets complicated at times… I’m not even sure how to be okay with myself, but every day is a new day I suppose…