I have had 15 or so surgeries, and everything hurts. My thoughts of suicide come daily. The only thing stopping me is the fact that my live in gf had a spouse that passed away before we started dating, and I hate the thought of her going through another death. I also, though I am not “religious” , I don,t want to end up in hell. Been looking into writings about this subject, and the bible says if someone commits suicide due to being in pain they can,t take any more, they will not be punished.
I am scheduled for another surgery in a few weeks, and I honestly don,t know if I will make it that far. When my body aches and I can barely get out of bed or stand up without taking pain meds, it,s all i can think about.
I don,t know if I will miss being alive, or not know, or what. But I can,t stand the thought of getting worse and worse as I get older. I can feel myself deteriorating, and to be completely bedridden and useless makes me sad. I just hope pills will do the trick. I have heard about people dying from much smaller amounts than others, and still others that take hundreds and live. But i,m at the end of what my mind can take.
3 comments
If you don’t know where you’ll miss being alive, then it’s probably a good idea to see where the road takes you. Chronic pain is no fun… I understand that from experience… and it can further limit you over time… which makes things even more difficult. At the same time, technology has evolved. There are medications and procedures that can be tried… and, if they don’t work, other things can be tried. There is always something you can do… to benefit yourself and perhaps society as a whole. Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself… because then you don’t give yourself an opportunity.
*where = whether
Medications…that,s half my prob. I,m physically dependent on meds now after taking some sort of meds since ’99. The more I read about hydrocodon, I realize that while i,m not only wasting away because it hurts too much to do anything, I,m also tearing up my kidneys trying to survive this.
I have talked to my pain mngmt dr so many times about how they just won,t work any more. Unfortunately, the idiots that abuse pills to get high, make all dr,s hesitant to do anything more to help with quality of life for fear of the D.E.A.
There aren,t any procedures to help most of my problems. Broken femur, 6 hardware failures in that, knee surgery, elbow surgery, neck fusion, 2 back surgeries to repair ruptured disks, one shoulder surgery, several nerve blocks and steroid injections, and now a complete shoulder replacement because my bone density isn,t good enough to repair it again, arthritis like that my dr,s expect to see in a man twice my age, and I have to live on $850 a month.
Most of the time I can,t think why I haven,t gone home long ago. All I can think about is finally being out of pain and sadness.