I suffer from dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder as it’s called now. I’ve been like this since I was 13, so for 20 years I’ve been in this continuous depressed state, with the occasional bouts of major depression. I’ve been on meds for 10 years.
Sometimes I think maybe my natural state of being is depressed and the meds are just some sort of weight suppressing my true state. When I think this way I accept my depression. I accept I will never be happy. I accept I will never be loved. I have no hopes, wants or dreams. This is what I am. What I am meant to be. How I was made. And I feel strangely at peace. But death seems so much closer.
2 comments
It’s weird that I suffer from major depression, but I think my natural state is to be not happy exactly, but certainly not depressed. I think it’s a result of my anxiety and ADHD(the frustrations of failure.) I wake up and remember my life is crap then I’m depressed.
I’m at the point where I feel like I will never be truly happy again and will never belong anywhere, but I experienced that and it was friggin awesome.
Have you ever been happy? Even for a moment?
I wonder if the curse is that you were “normal” until the age of 13? If you were born depressed then you wouldn’t know the difference. Like a person who is born developmentally disabled doesn’t know anything different than being mentally challenged. If you never saw the sun then night is normal. The sun would freak you out.
I wonder if trying to get back to “normal” and taking meds is making you more depressed. Plus everyone around you chanting, “get normal, get normal…be like us!”
I envy your peace you’re feeling now. Acceptance…surrender to what is. Hmm…