I’ve been here before and here I am again. It’s been 3 years I’ve started voicing my desire to die. Three years of pure hell. Everyone says it’s going to get better and I so wish it would. But it’s not. It just gets worse and worse and I’m more alone than ever.
I can’t even kill myself properly. I’ve overdosed on pills about 15 times. I can’t go through with cutting my carotid or partial suspension. I’m a fucking failure even in my desire to die. I’ve been kept as an in patient in a psychiatric institution twice. I’ve seen countless psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors.
They all say my biggest problem is my personality. How do your change your core essence? I have no idea. And I like who I am, I like my personality, I just hate how I feel and I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for being so weak. I want to be able to go to the corner store without having a panic attack. I want to be able to be amongst people and not care that I’m not alone. I want to be able to go to a party or even just have a drink without drinking until I black out cause it feels so much better that way. I want to be able to fulfill my responsibilities as a mother. I want to be able to work like a normal person. I want to be able to finish my masters degree. I want to be able to fall in love again. And not matter how hard I try, diversify methods, try pills, therapy, confiding in people, nothing ends up working.
I’m so tired now. So very tired. And so alone. Everyone around me has left me to my own devices. I have one friend to whom I can’t talk and two online friends but I think I’ve worn them out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know. And I’m scared. Scared to fail again. I want to be able to end this. No one should have to go through this. I don’t want to turn 30 in July. I’ve been a victim of every kind of abuse you can imagine since I’ve been 5. I turned to drugs as a teenager cause it just too much. Cleaned my act up, worked hard, went to university, got a good job, had kids, did everything i was supposed to do.
But that didn’t make life better. I’m completely dysfunctional now. I’ve been completely dysfunctional for the past three years and it has to end some way or another. This is hell, of that I’m sure. Get me out of hell.
2 comments
ur a mom and u have kids and here you are wishing you were dead? that means you love yourself more than you love your kids! You don’t need to change your personality you need to change your priorities! put your kids first!
the reason why cleaning up your act, working hard, going to a university, getting a good job, having kids didn’t make your life better is because you’re trying to find joy and happiness in temporary things. they will never be sufficient.
The title of your message is “Get me out of Hell.” There is only one way to do that!
Another cute example of someone who has no clue and judges others but can’t bear looking at their own navel. I adore my children. They’ll be better without me as their mother. You can’t live for other people. Be offended all you want.