I just read a few stories here. They are sobering to say the least. And if you’re reading this, and you posted something recently I want to say sorry for thinking I had depression, or wanting to kill myself, because it’s nothing compared to what you guys went through or are still going through.
I feel sickened to think that anyone would find out my actual identity. That’s why I’m thankful this is anonymous.
I was bullied for a while up to lately but everything  is going okay.I’m fine in school, really stressed and probably could do a bit more study but okay. I have an idea where I want to be and do later in life, and before you stop reading this seemingly aimless post from a girl who has it good, I need you to answer a question for me.
I thought depression was caused by something. I eat okay,, way too much most of the time, but I eat, so I’ve ruled out some kind of deficiency disorder. To be honest I don’t self harm as much as I should for someone like me. I’m not popular or pretty or skinny or fit, but after reading the stories here they really don’t matter that much at the moment.
What else causes depression,, No one in my family has tragically died ,, or is sick,, we’re not rich, but we’re not poor. And everything else is alright.
But why do I want do die so much. Sometimes the thought of a tomorrow makes me feel physically sick. Maybe one thing is a feel like after a while there is only so much a person can take of knowing everyone hates you… but that doesn’t seem enough to throw someone off the deep end.
I saw on a tv show today about how all teens will experience depression while “growing up” as they like to put it. But I completely and utterly refuse to believe that the way I feel right now is because I’m “growing up”. That just seems like way to easy an explanation. It just tells me that I’m even weaker than I thought, if I can’t make it through something like simply going through my teens then how in the name of God am I suppose to live through if a family member dies or gets sick ect.
It’s when I look at the bigger picture that I realize it does not take much to push me off the deep end. I’m being slowly worn down and I haven’t even lived 1/6 th of my life yet,, my maths is horrendous so that’s probably wrong.
We as human beings are supposed to be durable. We can survive to an extent in extremely cold, warm ect. conditions. We were made to survive by a God, by evolution, whatever you believe in. I think I’m just faulty. That one thing that doesn’t work for an unknown reason.
I feel like dyeing everyday and can’t, I wan’t to cut myself, properly, not just with a scissors that just cut the surface, but I’m too cowardly. I have no good reason to die, and if I killed myself that would be selfish. Unfair to my brother and parents. It’s like a sick form of torture sometimes.
A cousin of mine died in a car accident. I was sad of course but wasn’t so close to him as to be completely destroyed like him siblings and parents were. I asked mum how his sister, I am was friends with, is. She said she getting on with life, that that’s all she could so, which is understandable. But I’m having trouble getting on with that right now- simply getting on with life and nothing has happened to me. Everything is tainted by this depression, this sadness. So when I am happy I can’t trust it because I don’t know if it’s real, I don’t know if it will last. It just seems easier some times to ignore the happiness and accept that I will be perpetually depressed, because it just is easier.
I’d prefer to listen to a depressing song as compared to a happy one because I feel like I’m just lying to myself with the happy stuff. If I listen to a happy song then I feel confused because any happiness I feel is false and only created from the music and I don’t really know how to accept happiness anymore. But at least with a depressing song I know where I stand.
Congratulations if you made it to the end of my mental dysentery. But I think that describes how I’m feeling. It hasn’t solved any of my problems and I’m sorry if it affected you negatively in any way, but it kind of helps to get it written down, so I can make some sense of this stuff that builds up in my head.
7 comments
Hi so used to feel like that. I wasn’t ever depressed but i was sad a lot of the times and i would look at my life and think that what am i complaining for there’s people out there who have it worse than me so i would push my feelings away which just made me hate myself more but then i finally realized if you’re hurting then it’s a big deal. Things affect people differently. Just because your life isn’t the “worst” story you’ve read doesn’t mean that it’s not bad. Once you realize that your problems and pain are as big of a deal as everyone elses things might seem a little clearer. I would like to talk to you in a more private setting if you want(: you could just talk and i’d listen or whatever you’d like. Email:katiemeowcat@gmail.com skype:katiekatt27 and if you want to you can read my story i just published on here. PS: it has a happy ending ((:
Hey, I felt like this around a year ago, and posted on sp. Someone commented this on my post, and I thought it might help.
“Some people don’t have a scapegoat like relationship issues or abuse for their depression. Its not uncommon at all to be depressed or anxious and not pin where its coming from. I don’t know you but I do know People do not get to choose their brain, or brain chemistry. Some people are born with an increase risk for depression bc of their natural brain chemistry. Don’t fret. Never ever give up on seeking your own path to true happiness. Its there. Once you find it, don’t let it slip away. If it slips away, find it again. For some people, like me (and I’m kickass btw) , happiness is a daily affirmation and a lifelong journey. Hope this helps.” – Flexed
I’m terrible at expressing stuff but here goes:
I feel like I was reading a summary of my own feelings in someone else’s words
I’m physically healthy, not at all physically unattractive- I’m super skinny and have big brown eyes- I have a warm place to stay and no one close to me has died. You’d think I’d be rocking it out every night. But, I feel worried when I’m happy. I’ve stopped wanting happiness because I’m just afraid it’ll go away again. I feel so much but I communicate so little and so badly. I miss the target every time.
I’m just building the courage to end it. I’ll just be that girl that had no reason to die.
I am the same exact way. I don’t like to feel happy because any time I feel happy, it NEVER lasts for long at all. I feel like my mind is playing a trick on me when I’m happy. I’d rather have no hope at all water than false hope
Part of the reason I want to die is because of my ex boyfriend. I mean its so pathetic that someone listed a comment here that said stuff like that is a scapegoat pretty much. No matter what I do, all I really think about is him.. .can’t wait to be dead in a few months so I don’t have to think about him and his new girl anymore. This is so trivial and pathetic that it’s laughable. I get it.
When a person feels as strongly about something as you do your ex bf that feeling is real and has real reasons. Loosing a bf is not easy for a lady. I have seen others on here be pragmatic about it but these are your feelings and they are real and I am sure you have your reasons.
Anyway I had no idea this post was from 2014… I’m sorry about what you’ve gone through, if you read this 😛