Lately things have been going good , and yet I still find myself , waiting…
for something bad to happen to remind me that this happiness that has been given to me to  borrow.. To remind me that life has been playing a joke on me and I’m just waiting for the punch line , ..  Why can’t life be easier ?
I suffered so much already I’ve endured what a person could only believe to be nightmares. I’ve only tried to make myself believe that things are okay and they will be different …  I don’t have to live by my past and let it define me .. But can i move on when growing up … Torture  and abuse was the norm for me.  When I was told that life was never gonna get better ….  I stand here to witness the contradictory of that statement …. When will I be able to live in peace ? I know 10 years is a lot , but I wish I could blank out all that has happened.
4 comments
You’ve endured nightmares, I’ve lived through them. I guess we can relate on that part…
I too have found my life taking a strangely mellow turn for the better in the past week, yet I find myself still asking “okay, I know you’re trolling me, so come on and flick the rage switch so I can start hating myself again?!” and so far it hasn’t happened for which I am content yet grateful for. Our memories of what happened will never go away, we relive them whenever we delve into our thoughts and more often than not, they distort our perception of “here” and “there”. We are one with our past, but it is our future and what we do right now that determines whether we remain stuck “there” or move forward to a new tomorrow.
Best of luck, my thoughts are with you…and I’m here anytime. *tips fedora*
We are creatures of habit…torture and abuse somehow change our ‘wiring’, so this is what we expect from life…kind of like a magnet, a strange attractor. I don’t have the answer as to how to wipe the slate clean — how I wish I had the answer — for now all I can offer is intense empathy. Forgive me for not being able to offer you more.
The tortured soul can not believe that good things are real; they are kind of like shadowy amorphous dreams that quickly fade away. This, sadly, seems to be our fate.
they say that’s one of the main signs of depression.
that even when things are going well, you’re waiting for everything to go wrong again.
i know it’s hard, and Im sorry i cant make that pain go away for you.
but i do understand how you feel if you ever wanna talk