I am to blame

A few months ago I got a call from a girl named Victoria. She was cussing me out and crying and screaming and when she finally told me what was going on…one of my good friends Debbie Valoy had hung herself from the tree in her backyard. The girl told me it was all my fault because I didn’t talk to her for the past two weeks because I had some really serious things going on with my cousins. Their lives were in danger and I warned her that I may not be on facebook for a while. Next thing you know I’m getting that call. I cried myself to sleep for endless nights. I came to school with bloodshot eyes and no will to go on. I broke down so many times on the bus and at school and when I came home I felt ashamed to even see sunlight. A few weeks later I got a call from her parents because I had called to ask about her funeral. They called to inform me that I was not invited because I am the reason she is dead. Her mother said that I am the one that put her there and it should have been me hanging from that tree. Her words have pierced my mind ever since and just when I think I may have escaped their grasp….the memories come flooding back to me. I see old oak trees and my ugly imagination shows her and I climbing them and hanging from the branches for a split second and then shows her jump. It replays time and time again and I can’t get it to stop. At first I was so appalled by what they said and now I blame myself for her death. I blame myself for her misery and nowadays I think…maybe they’re right….maybe it should have been me. I want so badly to die and to just be with her again because I feel like I deserve it, but everytime I come so close I can’t bring myself to end my life because I feel that if I did… I would cause someone else the misery I feel 🙁