So, basically this is one of my last chances until suicide is my last option. I’ve been thinking about suicide since i was probably 14. I just turned 16 two weeks ago. Â It feels as if, I’m just a waste of matter. I feel like I’m just taking up space. I can’t do anything and I won’t ever be anything. When I’m gone, I won’t leave a mark on anyone’s life. If they were able to survive without knowing me, then they’ll still survive when I’m gone; they’ll only feel grief for about a week. I’m always being pushed down in life, and there isn’t anyone who brings me back up, and over the last two months it feels as if I’m all the way at the bottom and no one at all would be able to bring me up. I feel as a failure to my family. I come home everyday to a household where its like, “Why the f*ck are you even here?” I prayed to God earlier today and asked him if I could still enter Heaven if I killed myself and to just give me a sign. Well, about an hour ago, I fell down a whole flight of stairs. My thoughts at that point was that it was time to end it. I decided that, the next time I’m at my grandfather’s house, I’ll just take his gun and end my life now that I received a sign. At my school, they always ask, “Why did God put you on Earth?” I honestly believe that I was placed here by accident. My life is useless, I’m just costing my mother more money by living because she has to pay for one more human being. I consider this life being over before summer comes, I just hope I’m steered into a better direction.
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9 comments
You’re very young and I have been in your shoes as far as suicidal thoughts and questioning my purpose on earth go. I have lived a lot of years where things and people have knocked me down and I keep getting back up. I am not down for the count and neither are you!!! We might stumble getting back up but the important thing is to get back up!!
I still question my existence but as long as I keep in mind that my purpose is right around the corner, I know my life is better for that moment. Maybe we need to stop questioning and just live our lives. That sounds like a plan that more feasible than suicide.
What do you think?
You’re much stronger than I am. After you’ve been knocked down for the millionth time, it just feels as if you don’t have the strength to get back up again.
I used to have a feeling that there was something around the corner, but then when i finally reached that corner, it was just someone bringing me down trying to prove to me that I can’t do it. Honestly, it feels as if everyone tries to go out of their way to make my day worse because it would brighten theirs.
honestly i know how you feel my my mom just came into my room and told me how i was the dumbest person she has ever met just because i didnt do my math homework
It may be time to surround yourself with more positive people who won’t tear you down to build themselves up. You have to believe in yourself and ignore those who make your day worse if that means you gotta give the silent treatment then do it. It would be for your benefit and sanity. You don’t have to surround yourself with negative people at all! Sometimes you can’t help it, but that is when you just blast the music as loud as you want and drown them out.
I know it is easier said than done but you just have to push through it. High school was a pain in the ass for me and my home life was no better but I made it through some how some way.
You can do it too! That was supposed to be in the last post. I’m about to stop posting while on phone….it is starting to get annoying!
Yeah, I honestly believe my mom loves me man, but I just don’t think she knows how much of an effect her words can have on her child.
My whole life has been surrounded by negative people. I really can’t turn to any positive people because I can’t find any. Even at a Church, people are so negative. They talk about you behind your back about even the most minor things as what you wore to the service. I’m done with all the hatred that surrounds me. Maybe its just where I live. Probably if I moved, then life would be better, but I can’t wait another two years just to see if my life would MAYBE change.
You can wait. Sometimes kids are stuck in predicaments where they feel like they have nowhere to turn to and because they are minors they are left to the devices of their parents. Parents have faults too and sometimes are not aware of the harm they do to their kids.
I would say talk to your mom about how you are feeling. If that is too daunting for you, that’s why we have pen and paper. Write a letter and leave somewhere where you know she will get it and hopefully she will read it. If she hasn’t said anything about it, don’t let that go. Ask her if she read a letter you wrote to her.
I grew up in the churches where back then it was all about what you wore in the church and how you were “displeasing” God. I have since my teenage years grown wiser and could care less about what someone says I wore to church. God says come as you are. If all you got on is a pair of ripped jeans and tank top but you are looking for Gods word, it shouldn’t matter how what nobody else says.
It may be best to find a more agreeable church and go where you won’t feel judged. There are so many new churches coming up that are changing how they approach the upcoming generations and something as clothes is a bridge to get that connection between the older and younger generations.
There is gonna be hate because people continue to have hate and that’s not something you can change. All you can change is yourself and keep sending out love where ever you go and that includes giving yourself love as well. It took me a long time before I got to the point where I could even say I liked myself. I’m working on the love part.
Do you do anything creative? Write, paint, etc?
Im sorry for what you are going through. Youve been courageous enough to make it this far, are you sure you cant stick it out til you turn 18? Youd be surprised how much your life can improve. Are you american? Would you ever consider something like the military or the peace corps? Both give you a whole new perspective on life as well as an opportunity to start an independent life.
You are not useless, i dont think anybody has a purpose at age 16, maybe not age 20 or 30 either. In my opinion a persons purpose is developed as they grow and know themselves better and learn how to use their strengths to serve whatever gives them a feeling of purpose. Thats my opinion anyways. Hope you decide to stick around.