ok, obasically was taking into fostercare at the age of 11 bcause mum want me and my dad niglected me, mentaly and physically.I was also living with my grandparents from the age of 5 Â months because my mum left me in the house on my own at 2 months old. I was also passed around all off her different boyfriend so that they could basically sexually abuse me.
when i went into foster care things were up and down for the 8 years. i argued with my foster carer more or less everday and ended up feeling like crap. the crap feeling then turned into anger and i was always throwing things and punching things. then my self harm started at the age of 14.
i remember i was washing up one day and there was a sharp knife in the basin and i started to cut my arm and it felt so good! i was doing it on a daily basis but not to bad. my foster carer found out and hide all the sharp knifes and other sharp objects. when ever we argued she also used to make sure that i didnt go upstairs because she knew what id do. i once went to far and cut really deep and my foster carer had to take me to a and e, she was stressing at me and didnt understand at all. this was all happening whilst i was sat in the waiting room were other patients were. i was so embarrased.
the school nurse also found out and she was really supportive and told me if i ever needed to talk she was there. but when i left school thats when things got worse. my depression took a turn for the worst, i was attending college and my tutor found out about myself harm and another member off staff that was really nice to me and understanding. i went home from college one day then went out to girls brigade and one of the girlls there was my closest friend and she was feeling like me and ended up taking tablets in the toilet but i tried to stop her but she went ahead and took 16M i was so scared what was going to happen to her.
about 3 days later she messaged me to tell me that she was ok and back home from hospitalM that night i walked out of my foster carers and went and bought paracetamol and took 14 in a public toilet, i had just had enough off feling this way and wanted to die. i returned home that day and she didnt know what i had done as i just stayed in my bedroom. i woke up the next day fine but was so annoyed that i was still here. about 3 weeks later my foster carer whent on holiday but didnt want to leave me in the house on my own so i stayed at my dads for the week. i met up with my friend that took the od at girls brigade and we did it together but this time i took about 35 tablets and my dad notticed that i wasnt right when he picked me up, i was sick and then thats when he notticed so he took me to hospital. luckly i didnt have to be put on a drip or anything as i was sick most off them up. i then had to be assesed by the mental health team and had to have crisis team intervention for the next 3 days.
my social worker then took me back home after a week at my dads and i hadnt eaten anything all day and didnt want to. when i got back home my foster carer wasnt there she was on her way back from holiday. no one even spoke to me when i got home so i just whent out. when i came back home from youth group my foster mum was there and we had a massive argument and i ended up sh really bad. that was the point were i thought fuk it basically. i stayed in my room for the next 3 days and didnt eat or drink anything as i thought that it would kill me. when it got to the third day off me not eating the crisis team came to see me and that was the first time i was admitted into a mental health hospital.
i spend 4 months in there on a section 2 and 3, i was also on 1-1 were basically you have to be watched everywere including in bed and on the toilet and in the shower!
i was then dischared 1 week before my 18th birthday and things seemed to be going well until about 3 weeks later when i stoppe taking my meds and od really badly and ended up back in hospital but this time a adult wardand it was horrible!!!! i then got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and got put into dbt therapy wich help me a lot until one night i had really had enough and ended up trying to jump off a car park and got sectioned again.
i was in an adukt open ward for 6 weeks on a section 3 1-1 again for 4 weeks this time as i kept having incadents and i also escaped one time and i manged to jump off a car park but only broke my foot. i was then taken back to the ward and put on 2-1. that night i got taken back i ended up getting really distressed and ended up getting restrained for 3 hours and then got assesed for picu. i got moved that night at half past 11 at night and it was so terifing! i got there and just slept for 6 days didnt eat or drink at all, i nearly got tube fed.
2 months whent by and i was finally discharged but not gor long, i ended up taking an odd of my prescribed meds and was in a really bad way, i woke up the following dday and was in hospital and had a canular in with 2 drips and a heart monitor on and a cafitor in. i was told that i could havr died nbut il really didnt care. then i was assesed by the crisis team 3 days later when i was medically fit and they told me i either had to go in volentry or sectioned, so i obvaisly whent on my own accord. but this time i was put into a private hospital in darlington that was 2 and a half hours away!
when i first arrived i was put streight onto 1-1 until a doctor came to asses me, the doctor finally came and said i was to be put on suicide watch wich was every 15 min. i had been there for about 2 hours and i really couldnt cope, i ended up ligituring and when staff walked in and notticed what I had done so then I got restrained and put baxk on 1-1 and flipped out screaming I wanted to go so then got sectioned agaoin on a section 3. I was there for about 2 weeks before I got moved back to picu as things were not improving, I was being sidated all the time and getting restrained and tried escaping. I was taken there and kept on 1-1 but then got uped to 2-1 as I tried choking myself but it was level 4 were they had to be within arms reach! Can you imagine that in the toilet!
Then thedoctor was basically wasing I was doing it for attention ect. About 5 weeks later I was discharged and sent home. Since then things have been up and down but I’m managing to stay out off hospital.
I want to still die and who knows if some day I will actually killmyself
Agnes.
5 comments
Thats a very sad post, but what you should learn from it is that you arent supposed to be dead. but alive.
Talk to us here. We can make you feel better.
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Thank you it means a lot.
Wow, just wow. You’ve been throught the deepest pit imagenable and still you’re here. And for all it’s worth I wish you’ll stay alive. That’s quite the experience to use as a strenght in the future. “Gone through worse” hm? But please Keep in touch, write a comment a new post or contact one of us. We’ll listen
Stay strong and good luck
Thank you, all you can do reAlly is stay strong. Iv survived so much that I really shouldn’t have tbh.
Dear crazylady,
What a story…..what is helping you to manage to stay out of the hospital since? What were some of helpful parts of the crisis center (if any)? What were some of the least helpful parts of the crisis center (if any)?