Need of love.

At 12 when I did my first depression, I really wanted to die so badly. Then I found that what I really wanted in life was love. Everything I ever did what for that goal and it’s the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that could keep me alive, the only thing that would make my life worth living. So yea, I needed to be loved and didn’t try to kill myself, it was some kind of a second chance I thought. Second chance… for what? to feel even more miserable, hurt and dead inside? The only thing that keeps me alive is killing me on the other hand. It’s been 5 years since then and I still never got any girlfriend. I was deeply in love but I’m never enough to anyone. I’m the good friend, the funny one, the helper but never seen as a potential lover. I understand them. I hate myself so much, I am such an awful human being and nobody want to get stuck with the crazy/sick one. Who wants to have to deal with someone this fucked up with all the insecurities.. Well, I would, but normal people don’t. Every day that I pass are a tons of pain going on top of the other from all the previous day. So many of you had relationships and even how bad it could have ended I can’t help myself but feeling jealous. It’s not that I don’t try, I do everything I can to be absolutely amazing but they all make fun of me by acting like they’re interested and then flush me and never talk to me again. Valentine day is coming and I feel worst then ever.  Almost everyday of those 5 years I wait all day at school to come home and cry. I have became someone I hate and it’s killing me. Not being loved is killing me. It’s even harder because I’m a lesbian so the choices are way smaller. If I haven’t done it until then, I think at my 20th birthday I’m gonna kill myself. I can’t stand to watch everybody being so happy and having many relationships easily when I’m left behind unconsidered. And you all know that the stupid suggestions of the helplines like ” Find something else you like, find a hobby” (like, of course playing guitar will replace the need you have to eat -_-) are so ridiculous it’s almost offensive. My only hope and will to survive is in the love and if I can’t have it I don’t want to live only to suffer. No therapy or pills could stop my need to be loved and so I have no other solutions. I’m not enough to anyone… I’m not enough.