I am 19 years old, have been suicidal for about 11 years, and seeing therapists for 7 or 8. I have also tried several different antidepressants with no results. It seems that it has gotten to the point where I just don’t do anything anymore, and frankly, I’ve become a complete waste of space. My parents and entire family have given up on me for the first time in my life, and I suffer from thoughts relating to solipsism non-stop. I am at the point where committing suicide is all that I care about, to the point where I would get rid of anything in my life that could come in my way (relationships, education, etc.). I have given up, but things have been holding me back. For the past 6 years or so, I’ve held strongly to the belief that everything that appears to exist is just a creation of my mind, completely invalidating any reason I could have to live. My girlfriend is the main reason that I have not committed yet, and that concerns me because I have given up on living and it is hurting her daily. I suppose I’m in a cycle of threatening suicide, then a few days later, convincing myself not to do it for her, but I cannot live a life of pain for others. I must push myself to commit soon, because this is my only goal in this life.
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4 comments
I intuit that there is hope for you to live. Have you ever interacted with a therapist for whom you felt trust? Once in your twenties, an antidepressant might help to give you that ‘extra’ you need to stay alive.
I’m not saying that you have to or should stay alive. That is up to you. But that you care about how your girlfriend feels, and that she cares, is huge. Even without her, perhaps you might live.
But I leave that to you. No one has the right to tell someone else what to do with their life on so basic a level.
I wish you well. Once again, I intuit that there is hope for you to live.
dear brother,
Try a vegeterian diet, maybe you should stop with the antidepressants. There is hope always. Give life a chance with no expectations.
Depressive thoughts are invasive and the more they swirl around in our heads, the more we fuel them, the more everything else seems ridiculous, recovery impossible and death inevitable. These are cognitive distortions.
I suggest you ask your girlfriend what she loves so much about you to stick around and want you to live. Maybe write it down for you, even. Ask yourself if you see the same things, maybe it will light a little spark that will make you want to go on for yourself. There is hope and I don’t think anyone is completely doomed. But I do understand that it’s overwhelming and sometimes just too hard to deal with.
Please take it a day at a time. Seems dumb, but it really helps. One day. One main goal – have it be not as bad as yesterday even if only a tiny bit.
I’ve actually been vegetarian for 4 years, and stopped anti depressants 3 years ago.