Suicidal Plan

I keep dealing with difficult situation after difficult situation in life. And now, I am so used to turing my thoughts over to suicide, that it does this, automatically. That sort of “process addiction,” as it is known. But, I canot help it cus it gives me a sense of relief to know tht. Not only does having these types of thoughts make me feel as though I can have some kind of control in my messed up situations and life, but that I no longer will have to suffer. Just one problem… I don’t want to stop enjoying life, itself, of going for wonderful walks each nigh at sunset where it is beautiful of tht where I live, nor of occassionally actually getting peace to do so and to listen to music as I stare up at the nice warm sun and feel its light that I crave lik e a flower towards the sun, cascade down, warmly, on my skin. Whether with a friend with whom I am close and am in love who knows it, or alon, I like to do this. But, too many hardships prevent anything else from going the way it should of a normal and good life. I think tht tht outweighs the good. For example, I escaped, yet again, an abuser, only to have the electric soon to go out at my friend’s place where I am staying for safety, while I try searching (still) for a jobs in the field in which I I got my degree. In th meantime, no job, rationing food (I only weigh 103 Pounds, anyway, as it is. It’s not like I overeat). And to male matters worse, I will have to move out, anyway, in a couple of months because this secretarial office inside my frind’s house where I sleep and work as a secretary for him for hihs business in exhange for paying renting, it will be in full operation, and even he is moving out into another place, leaving the bedrooms occupied by him and by other tennants, too, for bands to rent time to use. As muic practise rooms (he has a studio business and also will be renting out practise rooms, too, on th side, soon, for bands to use to practise). It means that I will most likely have to go move back in with the person who’d abused me. I don’t think I want to take that of having move back in to where he abuses me, again, nor to where I will start having to “go inside myself” as he abuses me, or go to another place, mentally, to escape it. And I no longer want to just wish of suicide to ease my pain of this nor want to have to keep thinking of suicide just to feel relief tht is temporary to get a sense of calm to get through stuff. Even hough I don’t actually want to die cus tht is so final and is an actual end to everything and to awareness/consciouness (and to subconsciousness), as well, I can only take so much. I just cannot take having to move back, again, with him. At the same time, I am lonely-tht won’t cause me to move back in wih him. But, I hate feeling lonely and also alone due to being too scared to trust anyone else to date/have a relationship or to even have sex, anymore, with anyone else (except with Jeremiah. But due to his own health issues, he cannot always do so). I just want out. This is my literal reachin out to anyone about this because I feel as though I’d rather sink/go under rather than swim (rather end it than continu on if struggles go on for even one more week). Just so tired (and so tired of being tired, mntally, and of having to use having thoughts of suicide to give me calmness to be more easily able to then continue on. Ironically, right now, I feel as though I am pedalling backwards, in trying anything I can to NOT do suicide, if I can help it, saving it only as a LAST resort. But, I fear that soon, my patience for putting up with any more abuse nor difficulties is wearing out. I really don’t want to die. But I don’t want to suffer this much, anymore, neither. How to be okay espcially if I know I might have no other ways to keep safe in good situations away from the abuse? Due to physical disabilities, I have a special diet to hlp me susstain weight as my body still tries shutting down of digestion system-a diet tht actually works to keep me at a healthy enough weight and keep enough calories in. But domestic violence shelters don’t serve food I can eat, and while in between jobs, I cannot buy my food and keep it in locker in a shelter as tht isn’t allowed. And I cannot eat it any time I need cus they would require I keep it in the kitchen which isn’t open 24/7 or in the community shared fridge, which means a lot of my food would get stolen. So, that isn’t an option for me. I know, cus I tried, before, of that same option. Nothing’s simple. And cus of that, plus the fact that everything’s always a struggle (even with being able to do every day stuff due to my severe physical health problems part of which had me go through surgeries to correct to some degree), I’m just so tired. I’m tired.