Who would’ve guessed?

I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t thought about taking my life and how I would do it. I used to be the happiest kid ever. I was loved.. I started getting called fat and ugly around 4th grade and I still get it from my siblings.. Since then I have moved 2 times to start “new”.. I first lived In a place with nothing but drugs and violence, yet somehow I found some people who weren’t screwed in the head.. I friended them and we were inseparable.. Then my friend introduced me to this boy. He was trouble and couldn’t seem to stay in a committed relationship.. I being curious as to why friended him on FB… We talked, stopped talking and we talked again. Then one year later he gets sent away. We started talking and getting to know each other all over again.. On Christmas Day he asked me out. I was so excited because he seemed to be different and changed. A week or two went by and thats when it started. The people I thought I was friends with were taking his phone and reading our messages and sending me ones pretending to be him. My friends friend was an ex of his and talked him into breaking my heart. She than turned my friends on me and then started dating my ex. My friends were calling me names and it hurt my feelings and that’s when I started cutting. I hadn’t felt so much relief because all the pain was gone for the brief second. But even after the blood ran the messages still came and the name calling never stopped. I couldn’t take anymore and confided in someone who understood my pain. She is now one of my best friends and she was an outcast like me.. She was bubbly and very friendly but people would make fun of her because they thought she was a poodle and they called her those names. She helped me back into reality only for me to slip back out. She was always there for me and I love her to pieces. After a while the ex friends they apologized and wanted to make up.. me being stupid gave em that second chance.. After the girl who sabotaged my relationship broke up.. I never was filled in on what happened so I messaged him and asked.. He said he was so sorry and was glad I messaged him. I was happy and he said I should’ve messaged sooner.. To regain my trust, we talked and talked. Eventually High School came. I was planning to see him in the morning because he was in Alternative school and I couldn’t see him during the day.. My friend found out and again ruined it. So I gave her the victory of controlling me. I cried and cried. It was just like the last relationship I had, he used me to get over his ex.. Then I moved away again to start new.. It seemed nice and surrounded by military. Then came to time to start school. I had moved in the middle of a semester and the change was difficult. I waited for the bus only to find that no one would let me sit with them. I was embarrassed. I hated school the first day! I had no friends and no one to sit with. I was the kid everybody stared at. I met a friend and she was amazing. I still missed alot of school because of riding the bus. My parents would mock me and say I needed to get over it. I then started thinking about cutting. Eventually I made a bus buddy and I had grown fond of him and even bloomed a crush for him. He was sweet and always picked on me in a cute way. I had only known him a day and I was spending Halloween with him.. Eventually we became close and everybody would say we needed to just start dating. That put pressure on him and he sorta disconnected himself from me. It mad me sad because I liked him and he was the reason I still went to school. I was sick a week. I’m a insomniac and became sick for not sleeping. I came back and he welcomed me with open arms and made me be apart of his group for a project. I was happy again. After that I cheered up a bit but we eventually saw less of each other because the comment, “Just date already.” I took it upon myself to ask to be home schooled and after much debate I was pulled out of school. I hated it. I was never going back or I would die. Than I became more and more depressed and my friends stopped talking to me.. I stopped texting and just sat in my room alone. One day I message the kid who had changed my life and was concerned for where I went. He said that he tried getting ahold of me and I was just gone. It made me smile. But it was a temporary high. He never replied after that and so I gave up. I quit doing my home school assignments and just slept all day and stayed up all night. My sleep was my escape. My mom then started using home school against me. She would say your not learning anything anyway. And I wanted to cry. My dad works in New York and he is only home for a day and a half. My mom still tries to get me to go back, but I can’t. I will die. I started cutting even deeper and got temporary relief as usual, sadly. I got depressed even more and didnt even try to shower daily anymore, I quit walking, I quit laughing, crying, I just lost all emotion. All my life I have never been good enough, for both society and my family. To this day I still self harm and feel no emotion and just stay to myself. I still think about suicide and how much of a burden I am to my family, and what their lives would be without me.. Happier for sure. I am waiting for the day I just cant take it anymore and I welcome it. I want to live but can’t be accepted. My friends still ditch me and never acknowledge my existence.. I just want to be accepted, loved, understood and remembered..