is so important. You have to appreciate what you have and be thankful. And being/ feeling appreciated makes a life worth living. Usually it is the family and very close friends who appreciate you and who show you that need you and love you and will always be there for you.
In my case – since I wouldnt put any of my friends in this category – it has always been family that made my life somehow worth living. I would even call them the only reason why I am still alive. During the last few weeks I started to realize something though, and I have yet to fully grasp all the consequences: I dont want to be with them.
The first difference to earlier times when I enjoyed the time with my family is that they do not seem to appreciate my existence, but that I am much more of a burden than a son and brother to them. I dont know how exactly this is connected to my depressions, but it seems rather obvious (although they dont know about my depression).
Secondly, since I lack appreciation of some sort, I start to act differently, dont tell truths and even lie to them, if it stops them from seeing me as a burden. The most important factor is probably that they have no clue of my depression and suicidal thoughts and I have to lie about being happy. Theres almost no place left where I can just be myself and not some image that others make of me.
Thirdly, if I imagine how my family would react if I suicided, it would definitely be a devastating point in their lives. But: They wouldnt be devastated about my non-existence in this world, but rather about the death of a family member, that death comes to our family. If I somehow “managed to escape this world without dying”, I am sure it wouldnt be such a bad influence for them.
I cant wait to get out of this place, just one more week. My family is no different from all the other hypocrites in our world. The only thing that hasnt changed though is that my family keeps me from suiciding, even if it sounds paradox: I cant stand the thought that they would be in sorrow over my death.
7 comments
I spend my entire teen years and college life lying to my family. I passed the image of a social, outgoing and popular kid. It was exhausting. At times it almost seemed surreal and it drained all my energies out but I knew that was kind of what she wanted me to be. Happy.
If parting with your family is what will ultimately be a new starting point in your life, move out. Try and provide for yourself and see if it changes.
I’ve known people who bonded and began having a relationship with their parents only after leaving home.
I moved out of my families house 2 years ago and it really hasnt improved since then. I fear if I have nothing left in my life that I can hold to I will have nothing left that keeps me from suiciding.
A dog? My dog helped me overcome a little bit of the loneliness I felt. I still love how happy she gets when I come home.
It also helped me interact with people. When I take my dog out, people pass by and want to pet her and she interacts. They’re nice and I had had the most interesting conversations randomly like that.
It can help you distract and have friendly faces around.
@PE: “My dog helped me overcome a little bit of the loneliness I felt. ”
So did mine…. The companionship was invaluable and we’d meet the neighbors together. A few times, I’d walk their dogs or vice versa. The dog was a nice way to meet people.
Yes I love pets, cats and dogs, rabbits and guinea pigs. But I cant have any in the place where I live, although I would really love to. Ironically when I come home to visit my family I am more exited to see my cat than anyone of my family.
How about volunteering at an animal shelter? It’s an alternative to owning pets.
Good idea! Ill definitely check that out, although I am not sure if something like that will keep my thoughts off of suicide and depression. Its just a temporary coping mechanism. But I will have to try.