Today my ‘father’ found out I was hospitalized three weeks ago. I had been keeping this from him because, honestly, I felt he didn’t deserve to know. A friend at the time had abused my trust, called the police on me, and I was sent to the hospital and kept there due to the fact I had cuts on my arm. Fresh cuts. I was put in therapy and am back on medication, which I am grateful for. I just wish the situation hadn’t panned out as it had.
I digress. He noticed I was talking about my medication online and he asked me what I was taking now. So I told him what happened. Of course all he tells me is ‘you shouldn’t do that.’
Seriously? I’ve been doing it for a while now but you never really gave a shit. You never have.
Why is it that the second I stop giving my attention to someone, they automatically want it back? My ex boyfriend is blowing up my phone just wanting to talk and gets upset when I don’t answer because I’m with, y’know, my current boyfriend? My father never really stepped up to the plate until everything became too much to bear and I dropped out of college and threatened to kill myself. Where the fuck were you when I actually wanted you in my life?
The psychiatrist wanted to up my dosage. Right. The pills make me feel ill as it is (but then again, I AM supposed to eat with them, and I’ve kind of stopped eating…).
It’s… My weight has become such an obsession for me. I’ve been browsing through pro-ana sites and thinspo blogs. I tried making myself throw up the other day only to confirm I do not have a gag reflex (but I mean, I guess that’s bonus points?). I’ve already lost quite a lot of weight, but I don’t think it’ll ever be enough. 35lbs down. 65lbs more to go.
1 comment
I think it’s typical to create a void. Your attention is on something or someone then when you stop it creates a void and they wonder what’s changed. Nobody like a void. People love to fill things with stuff, noise, other junk. Heaven forbid there should be nothing.
I’ll ramble on here because …well..I see this box is empty of type and I MUST FILL IT..LOL…..so, if you listen really carefully to the sounds around you you can hear them begin – become noise – then die into silence. Then another sound is born – lives -then dies into silence. Everything comes from silence and returns back to silence. In reality silence or the void is the normal state of being. it’s where we are all headed and maybe why suicide is such a draw for me. I just want it to be silent…please stop making all this noise, it’s driving me nutty…nuttier. Ok, this box is full. Hope you find peace in this world renegadeRaenbow…that’s a cool spelling of Raenbow.