I think I’m on the verge of having an anxiety attack right now, I need to write this down to calm my nerves.
Just when I think things are going okay, everything goes downhill somehow. My classes are going all wrong, I can’t concentrate on my studies, I’m scared of even walking in the streets, I feel watched, observed, I feel inferior to those and everything around me, though I know I’m not.
A few months ago I stopped speaking to a “friend” of mine after she threw another of her little stupid tantrums on me, we’re 18 years old, I’m not a little girl anymore, she was the one not growing up. I already felt so different from her in so many ways for a year already, I couldn’t share anything with her and I didn’t want to. She made people think she cared, only thing she cared about was people caring for her. She would want attention so bad from everybody, I felt every day like I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t, she needed me to tell everybody she was my BFF and just things like that which don’t go along with my personality. I couldn’t talk about new friends I’m making because she would get all jealous on me. I don’t know if anyone has ever felt like this, but it was a toxic friendship. She is toxic and I have no interest in speaking to her ever again. I’m sorry, if that sounds cruel, you don’t understand. People need to accept change, grow up, I want to go somewhere, I want to feel like myself again. I don’t want to be wasting the best years of my life feeling depressed. She was the center of my anxiety.
I started ignoring her because she had crossed the line, I don’t care how long we had been friends or if she really cared about me, i don’t want her caring. This was in january. In february she started sending me messages, texts, calling, none of which I ever answered. I just can’t and won’t. She stopped I guess but started again a few weeks ago. She just called my house two times in a row right now, at 10 pm, which started a swarm of anxious butterflies (not the good kind) in my stomach, and nearly gave me a heart attack. I will not pick up, I will even make somebody else (my best guy friend or even my mother) tell her to leave my alone. But I refuse to have her walk over me again. Because if I talk, I will not win. I will not. She always won. She never let anyone win. I prefer to ignore. I don’t care. Because she broke me, she was breaking me and I wasn’t even realizing it. I’m my own person. She will not take that away from me.
She will not succeed in making me scared of living. Because the only thing I feel right now is the wish of disappearing so she can’t get to me anymore. So I can be in peace.
Feeling small, scared and alone,
PURPLEPAIN
3 comments
Purplepain, I respect your decision although I don’t fully understand how you feel.
As someone who just had her very dear friend with severe anxiety disorder walk out on me after a suicide attempt, I can’t help myself but wonder how did you come to the decision of cutting her off of your life, and why. I know that in my case (which is not the same as yours), not having the person I cared the most by my side when I got out of the hospital still is the most painful thing to ever happen to me, and I am in so much pain because of her decision that I still cry at night.
In my case, it’s not the most important person walking out on me, but myself standing up for me and for what I want. Maybe I’m walking out on her, but maybe you can understand the pain and stress she put me in acknowledging that this is my final decision. She only caused me pain and she would’ve never seen that. I have more important people that make me feel better and that’s what I really need.
I’m very sorry you have to feel that kind of pain… I understand how that loss feels. A few months ago, who was the most important person to me walked out on me, knowing everywhere I was going through, absolutely everything. I’m starting to see he maybe didn’t want to take care of me. Maybe it’s my fault, being so messed up. I miss him so much. Sometimes I wish to be in the hospital, I wish to know if he would ever worry for me, be there for me. Although I know the answer is “no”. Crying at night alone is terrible. Maybe we can cry together sometime. Maybe it’ll be the first night we don’t cry. Wishing you my best. <3
Thank you for the reply <3
As I read your post, I kept wondering if my (ex-?)friend felt like you did when we were friends. I tried to be very aware about her fears and anxiety in general, but she never said anything was wrong until the very last day we saw each other, that she said that our friendship scared her because we got too close very quickly (~6 mos). I always made a point in asking if she was okay with everything and always made very clear she could tell me if she wasn't feeling ok with anything, but she never told me about this before. Of course the situation is very different (and both of us are way past 18), but sometimes for a person that doesn't feel like that (anxiety) it can be very difficult to understand what's going on if there is no communication going on :/
That said, I think I can understand the stress and pain a friend can inflict on us, I have been there. And I am happy for you that you could stand up for yourself! It is awesome, took me way more than that to be able to stand up for myself.
It is not our fault to be so messed up. We are who we are. I would love to say that your friend, or mine, worry about the situation, but I guess that we need to let go. They might worry, but don't want to act about it, or even know how to handle it. Whatever they feel, it just bring us down. Need to let go. 😉