Hello. I’m jess. I’m fourteen years old, and I’ve gone crazy.
I found this site when I was looking for ways to commit suicide. I thought it would be nice to finally talk to someone, and explain my madness to them.
I’m going to list all the reasons why I want to end my life.
1. I live in a country that’s incredibly corrupt. I don’t see a future for me, and we’re going through so much pain right now… that I want to end it. I’m filled with rage.
2. I know I’m young, but I’ve done things I shouldn’t have and my anxiety is killing me because I think it’s going to end badly for me. I hate myself for doing that and I cut because of it. I feel dirty.
3. I don’t feel like living. I just… don’t. Â I don’t feel motivated and I’m numb.
4. My parents give me shit, they are so supportive and I feel like I don’t deserve them, they’re too good for me, but they let me know I disappoint them  and my mom used go fight with me when I was a child. Once, we fought so bad, I ended up yelling at the top of my lungs and crying and begging her to stop fighting because she was hurting me and it was enough. Since I was a child I live in a bubble, hiding from all the pain in this world, because I just couldn’t stand it. I knew it was there. I still do. But I hid it all with a smile on my face and worked my ass off to get good grades (and I still do. I’m a good student).
5. I feel sad, I feel empty, I feel abandoned by myself. Everytime I encourage myself to do something, I end up thinking that the mistakes I made will come after me when I’m successful. Or that they will affect my parents, or the way they think of me.
6. My sisters do not live in this country anymore and I miss them a lot. They are my best friends and I love them so much.
7. I put up with everyone’s shit since I was born. I remained silent. I never complained. I got bullied in primary school, I’m in 9nth grade right now, and the weight of school is collapsing on me.
I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I should apologize to the Lord, and let him take me with him.
I guess I just want someone to listen to me.
English is not my first language, I apologize on any grammatical errors I might have committed.
5 comments
Your English seems better than that of most adult native speakers. I’m always amused when non-native English speakers apologize in advance for scarce grammatical errors, while clearly having grasped the fundamentals and much of the nuance, and having composed something indicative of more than sufficient proficiency.
Maybe you can teach the native-speakers a thing or two.
Thanks for listing your reasons. You’re only 14 and that’s a lot of weight to carry. I honestly don’t know what to say most of the time when someone unloads their life’s griefs here. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I guess the best we can do is listen. Thank you and stay strong.
I agree with CN, your grasp on the language is better than most native-speakers. The only problem that I can see with it is that you use Americanised spelling and I’m one who considers that English still belongs to the Queen 😛
You said you are a good student and you still have a whole life to live. Maybe you should find something that you can hold on to, a dream which you have always wanted to fulfill.
And of course you should talk to someone about it who will listen, it is the best kind of “cure” you will get. Maybe call your sisters and talk to them? You love them and they love you, I am sure they will understand.
I actually thought no one would read this, I mean, I posted it only a few hours ago, and I already got a few comments (which mean a lot to me, thanks for taking the time)
Clevername: thank you for your compliments! I learned it all by myself, listening to music and watching TV shows, so I feel like I’m not that good. Thanks again!
Randall: you don’t need to say much, honey, letting me know you care is more than enough for me, it helps me feel bettet, it lets me know I’m not that alone anyway. I’ll stay strong for a while, until it gets better or until the pain gets really unbearable. Thanks for replying to my post.
Bullfrog: thank you! It’s good to know that. But I have a question, what do you mean by Americanised spelling?
Clairdelune: thanks for caring, and replying to my post. I am currently working on my life aspirations, for I feel like nothing motivates me at the time. I’m trying with music, but it’s just not working out for me. I do love to write, I do it all the time, and maybe that’s what’s keeping me alive. I’ll tell you something, I actually want to become a model but that industry is kinda rude and I’m aware of it. I will try hard to reach my goal, though, I really want that, and I feel like if I can overcome my insecurities and if I get to get rid of depression, anxiety, and bdd, I’ll be able to succeed. I skype with my sisters whenever I get the chance, and they both understand my issues. Thanks again, take care!