Still Here

As bad as I want to die I haven’t given in yet. I’m trying really hard to make it through the next 8 weeks until my trip, it’s the only thing might save me. I want to wait until after it to make my final decision. I’m trying and fighting, even though it’s causing me unbearable pain in the process.

I might not get through the 8 weeks though, I’m barely getting through the days. I quit my job so I just sleep my days away and drink at night, but thankfully I got my Ambien prescription filled today so maybe I can sleep at night. I am constantly crying and the worst part is the hopelessness. I almost never leave my house.

I like coming here. I don’t feel so alone when I read everyone’s posts. I wish I could give everyone here a hug and I am grateful for all of you who give kind and encouraging words, and for all of the understanding.

My prediction, if I do get through the next 8 weeks and go on the trip, is that I am going to end up killing myself soon after my trip. I really don’t think things are going to change or get any better, and I refuse to keep on going with this life. As I struggle through this time I want to keep coming here and talking to all of you, I think SP will make the next 55 days a little bit easier. At least I won’t feel so alone.

And maybe there will be some miracle during this time and I’ll make a post about how my life is so much better and things are working out and I’m happier and everything is going to be ok. I wish for that anyway, but there’s no way that is going to happen though.