After being beaten and abusea by my step farther I run away from home. i spent 2 years sleeping rough before they found me. Refusing to go home he beat me again, this time rupturing my spleen. I was in hospital over 2 months. No one came to visit No contact from any one. Sum years later I am still bitter and angry. I have a gross scar that take up most my chest and can’t take my shirt off without people looking and asking questions. I don’t sleep well and often wake up screaming. I struggle to make friends, trust people an have been told I am incapable  of love.  I have tried medication as well as seeing therapists. But nothing ever changes. i often think about suicide. 5 years after having my spleen ruptured my mother kills herself, my brother and I not being at home for my father to beat any more he turned on his wife, bullying and beating her untill she hung herself.
So what’s next I ask? Just continue with the pain of living? Possibly hurting people myself a long the way with my messed up ideas of love? Always angry and bitter? What kind of a life is that? 15 years later and I still can’t move on. Â Death looks like the only way to release myself of the hurt.
1 comment
Well, not that I have experienced such hardships as you. But i can tell you one thing – only you decide what’s next.
Sometimes death is a relief, i won’t deny that. But sometimes you can consider if there is anything left to live for. You are gonna die at some point anyway, but if you really mean something to someone (e.g. your brother perhaps?) it can be incredible fantastic to “give” your time and energy to someone, and be a positive experience for the both of you.
It’s no surprise if it is very hard for you to trust people, but your brother could be a start, especially if he is younger than you, and need someone.
I am priviliged with a fair family, and to me, my family is what keeps me alive. My mother, my sister and my brother are the reasons I haven’t given up, and so could your brother be your reason to stay, and make the best of it, even though it will be hard and painful.
Btw. Have you tried different types of therapists? (I mean therapists who use different methods to “help” you) to see if at least one method would prove helpfull.
And as long as you believe you feel love, i am quite sure it exists in you. Even if it seems as a wild and twisted beast, it can sometimes still be tamed…
Last but not least, I admit I might seem too optimistic, but I really wish you the best.
If you are having issues with my gramma, i apoligize now. English is my second language.