I do it because I have so much mental pain, I need to find a way to make it physical and get it out. So I abuse my body. I used to think I’d just do a few cuts here and there when I felt really bad, but now I do it almost every day, anywhere from10-200 at a time. It has taken over my life. I feel weird typing it; like, part of me is saying “no it hasn’t, you still have a life” but another part is saying “you’ve finally admitted to it”. I don’t know. I know this sounds stupid, but there’s a song that says “You bleed just to know you’re alive”, and I feel like this is true for me as well. The other night I was feeling really bad, and I went to the shower, and I sat with my blade, and I just rocked back and forth whispering, “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired, I’m tired”. And after a while I felt kind of numb. And I didn’t have the urge to cut anymore. But then I did it anyways. I was feeling really numb, like I wasn’t mentally there anymore, and I just wanted to cut so that I knew I was still alive and suffering.
I don’t know. I’m just weird….