Hello Friends,
About 6 weeks ago I was ready to move on…..all my ducks were in a row, as the saying goes. But then three things happened.
1. I learned a person I know and respect also suffers from MDD and has attempted. She shared this with me quite out of the blue. Evidently it took someone who had walked several miles in my shoes to see and heed the signs. I wasn’t aware I had let anything slip. She picked right up on it. I now have someone safe to go to in times of need. And what is really remarkable is she knows and understands that there is nothing she can say to fix me, she knows she just needs to BE….be there and allow me to cry. It’s amazing and better than any therapist, because there is no financial gain on her part, just a mutual healing. And she knows I will have bad times again…no judgment.
2. I found a way to alter the circumstances of my isolation and loneliness. It’s a bit involved so I won’t bore you with details. I just didn’t see this opportunity coming. I guess you could say this is an example of why we should try to hang around as long as possible.
3. A few weeks ago I logged on to this site and revisited a conversation I had had with a young man named Justin. In the jumble of threads that came up about him was one dealing with his attempt…several people were posting. It seems Justin was saved at the last minute and was in a safe environment. He had posted a pic of himself in his bathroom (where he was going die), sitting on the edge of the tub, his rifle in the background. I tell you….I am a 59 year old man…..when I looked at the resigned expression on his face, the weary wisp of a smile….and those sad, sad eyes…..well…..I just WEPT…I cried for at least 15 minutes. There was no way I did NOT want this young man to leave….I don’t even know him, beyond a couple responses to my posts….this was the first pic I had ever seen of him….but his staying alive was suddenly very important to me. If anyone has an update on Justin, please email me: wjayhale@gmail.com
People….we are all going to have good, bad and bleh days…..as bad as it can get (and I KNOW how bad it can get), it IS possible to have people and things grant us hope. And here I was, saying “at my age it doesn’t get better.” God (the Creator, whatever you choose) can, and does use people as instruments, and at times and in ways they don’t even know they are being lifted up.
Let’s try to stay alive….if for no one else, than for each other. Starting August 1st I will be in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for 6 months, and plan on splitting the year between PV and Phoenix in this fashion from now on.
Peace…
Bayareaguy AKA Jay
8 comments
That’s terrific you’ve found someone who listens. That’s a treasure worth more than any amount of gold. There’s a ton of sad stories here. I can understand how Justin’s story touched you so deeply. There’s one story that sticks in my head about a kid who’s father beat him up, stomped on his head because his grades weren’t good enough. I have the mental picture cemented in my mind. I don’t know how or why one human can treat another like that…why that happens, but it makes me not so proud to be a human.
You ask us to “try and stay alive”, but I don’t even know if that is up to me. Then you’ll say, “well, if it’s not up to you who is it up to?” I don’t believe there’s any single person, thing or god that holds the reigns to anyone’s life. I don’t actually know. Ok, so just trying is enough.
Have fun in Mexico and Phoenix. Rock on!!
First off – well done on finding a way through the past few weeks unscathed and with renewed meaning. It would appear that time (in some cases) really can heal, if only a portion at a time. I often dream about meeting someone completely alien to me, yet whom I can confide in like no other. I treat it as REM sleep on ‘roids, but often wonder if there really is someone out there that I’m yet to find who can relate to me and perhaps show me the path back. It’s a comforting thought, anyway.
No word back from J.S, I suspect he’ll be recovering for a while yet with (I’m guessing) the aid of his partner and friends. All I’ll say in that regard is to “wait out”. He’ll be sure to revisit SP in time to come, of this I am certain (though not in any suicidal capacity I’m hoping).
Anyway, safe travels to you, friend. Your path will surely lead you to warm sands. Well wishes and good health.
There I go with the P word again…my comments in moderation. You’d think after how long I’ve been I’d learn my lesson? Obviously not…
Hey Randall….thanks for your comments words of support. Yes, the world, as history has shown, is just full of unspeakable evil and cruelty. I remember the story you mention. I understand how it is implanted in your brain.
As for staying alive, and who/what the choice is up to? I don’t have a pat answer and would not insult you by insisting that I do. I think everyone is different and the circumstances, impetus and motivations for moving on cannot be defined or judged for anyone. Even organized religions (at least those that have been able to break out of the Augustinian attitudes of judgment) are coming to understand that the final act is not a reason to demonize anyone. Augustine was the first to promulgate mortal sin status for suicide….and that was about 400 years after Christ lived on earth. It was a cultural application that has hung around for all of these centuries.
No….once compassion and empathy for the one who makes the exit replaces guilt, fear and judgment, those who remain behind will be better able to mourn and heal in a healthy way.
Hey Shep……I smile whenever I write or say that name….you see, Shep was Mom’s nickname…she always compared herself to a dog, herding the sheep, so we started calling her Shep about 30 years ago.
But I digress….did you get any sleep? I didn’t….I was up until bout 4am in the western USA. I dozed for about 2 hours.
I’m curious as to what the “P” is……with all of the course language on this site, I’m having trouble thinking of a “P” word that would cause your reply to go into moderation.
By the way…..you should try your hand at script writing…..you have a definite flair for painting a picture with words that would translate to film quite well.
Well, ain’t that a coinky-dink? I guess the name stems from that same mantra of bringing everyone together and keeping balance between it all. Good on your mum for doing so. Yah, I managed a few hours sleep but spend most of it looking out towards the city lights, I think the air pollution here may be getting worse. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in many a moon, hopefully we both get some decent shuteye soon. The word you’re looking for is “p*rt*er.
Cheers mate, I’m dabbling in writing a novel at this time, movie scripts seems much too big league for me. But thank you anyway.
Mexico and Phoenix, eh? But then you won’t be bayareaguy anymore!
You must have your duck$ in a row. I did at one time, but medical expenses have just about taken everything.
I am taken back and moved by this……