Are any of you depressed people experiencing not only depression, sorrow, and boredom of life but also HORROR? Is anyone experiencing trauma and panic from existing in a cruel and violent world? Afraid to wake up in the morning, afraid to exist, afraid of gods and devils? Do you feel like you are living in a horror movie? Fear of someone torturing you? For me life feels like the movie Saw with God being Jigsaw. I am trapped in a very evil body and if I want to get out, I have to literally cut myself out or do some other gruesome thing in which to actually die. But God/Jigsaw is fighting against me, doing every possible thing to make my suicide attempts fail, and torture me with life, and each suicide failure leads to more desperation and stronger self-violence. It starts with nightmares when I sleep, seeing myself strapped down in a medical bed and being informed that I have already died, gone to hell and being kept alive for medical research. From there I wake up and experience the terror of being alive as God’s plaything and knowing that god and mankind will do anything to me, because I am not a person to them.  If I would allow you to see my picture you would not wonder why I feel that my life is an actual horror show. They say God “uses us” each for our purpose. I suppose he is using my life to scare people. “Look at my power to hurt, look at what I have the potential to do to people.”
I am trying to work myself up enough courage to cut my body apart. I could cut my head off. There was a chainsaw at the neighbors house and I almost stole it for use but I left it because I do not want to take anyone else’s property. I also got concerned about the small size of the chainsaw and it might not be strong enough to cut through my ligaments in my neck. I do not have my own chainsaw.
I feel that God is the serial killer, and he’s got me in his basement. Right now he is just having fun terrorizing me until he gets ready to go onto the next stage and do more barbaric things. Fuck that, I will win at this game when I get to a tall building and throw myself out. Then if you all hear about a jumper on the news you will not wonder why. You will know that God was terrorizing me and I lept simply to get away.
Isn’t suicide simply the only means we have of escaping violence?
5 comments
Not many people experience that level of prolonged suffering. If you can’t kill yourself then you have to kill time. There are millions of people out there who from the day they were born had no sort of chance in life. Everyone copes differently. Your situation is a lot worse than what most people experience. People who have experienced life wouldn’t hold that against you. You drew the short straw and there isn’t anything anyone can do about that. We are all kind of misfits and oddball characters so you belong to us.
I didn’t think you believed in God. I know you believe you are trapped in a life you don’t want to live. I still think you’ve got a lot of quality.
You ever seen (a certain snuff movie which I am not going to name)? That shit desensitised me to the whole concept of dying, watching people get stabbed whilst protecting their friend; a man being chased by five-oh who falls on his shotgun and sends his brains to the moon; people being decapitated slowly but surely. I saw the light leave their eyes and I… Man, fuck that movie. I should’ve watched it drunk, but no… I was the only sober one, dag nabbit!!!
That’s a violent death you wish upon yourself, ma’am. Though I’m one to speak, as I envisaged doing something similar myself.
“Most people are so ungrateful to be alive.” – I’m not exactly going to be over the moon being dead either, but that’s a compromise I’m willing to take.
Rach, Im not sure what is happening to me is anything like what u are going thru but the cuting yourself apart is familiar to me. Before a year ago i just wanted to kill myself i was depressed alot an wanted to just hang from a tree or whatever most of the time those were my thoughts an i made dumb little impulsive attempts when i felt like i was overwhelmed mentally. In the last few months tho something has changed and i feel stuck in a world with cruel people an there is no way out, yes i get mad sometimes but mostly its because of what i just said. Last few months sometimes i feel trapped in a world that i cant bare to live in anymore and alone an i think that i go into psychotic depression now, my mind is well i am disabled because of this bipolar depression or whatever and the stress in my life Im not even sure how to explain it but i dont know how i can go on this way much longer and i keep geting so much worse what i am going to do to myself, because in last few months instead of hanging or something i think abt chopping my own body parts off toes or whatever and just destroying myself that way one part at a time. The impulses to cut my body parts feels like a stronger urge than i used to have to cut for mental pain relief. I also have lately cut chunks out of me with scissors. Most times i try to exercise for some relief to avoid it, but i think that i have those urges because i want to destroy myself and disapear. But ya i dont think that i feel horror when i have urges to destroy myself it just hits me and i realize i live in a horrible world and cant take it anymore. Your right this world is mostly a horrible place an it is hard to deal with living in it sometimes. I hope more than anything you can find some peace
Be careful not to make your life worse than it already is. The greatest fear of checking out is often messing up and leaving yourself in a worse state. You need to calm down and make sure you are having rational thoughts, not impulsive ones. I know it isn’t easy, but you really need to. Big decisions like this need to be thought about and planned properly.
Duke is correct on this one. As long as you’re still here, you need to find some way of taking care of yourself. Don’t watch crappy movies like Shepard does. You’re having nightmares because of your state of mind during the day. Find things that you enjoy doing. I’ve been living my life in solitude for quite some time now. The secret to getting by is to distract yourself and avoid comparing yourself to others (I know that’s hard to do, I have trouble with it myself).
You know, perhaps “winning the game” would be to spite God and enjoy life even when you’ve been given a bad roll. It’s not easy to do, of course. But, in the end, it’s all just a matter of perspective, isn’t it? I keep wishing I could change my perspective on life. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what we do. The only person whose judgement matters is our own. Why are we unhappy? Because we have expectations we can’t meet? Then why have those expectations? We don’t expect to flap our arms and fly, do we? We don’t get depressed about that, right? Those birds are so lucky! I wish I had wings, too! It seems so silly, doesn’t it? All that envy doesn’t help us. The secret to happiness is to be satisfied with what we have. Maybe we won’t ever learn how to do that, but it is the truth nonetheless.
Your nightmare sound horrible, like MILAB or alien abductions.
Are you going through any detox?