Does anyone get thoughts about not living anymore? Like if there was a way to just disappear with no pain and not hurting anybody you knew,would you do it? I would like to say that i wouldn’t, that i love my family or words don’t hurt me or whatever people who are stronger than me say. But the difference between me and them is that I am a coward. I can’t talk back in fear of being hurt and I would chose to disappear and never come back than to try to fight back. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a painless way out. You can make it painless for yourself, like pills or a bullet in your brain, something that won’t hurt you, but hurt everyone around you. Suddenly you are not the girl who was ugly, fat and/or a nerd, you are a beautiful and intelligent young lady who will  be missed. I should feel grateful for that i guess. I mean if nobody loved me or cared about me i would be buried in the ground right now with a bullet in my skull. I do things that are dangerous in hopes i will die. I don’t want to be played up as some weak girl who took the easy way out, but I feel like i’m drowning and I’ve forgotten how to swim. I can’t tell my parents because they think suicide is a sin. I can’t tell my sister because she thinks people with depression are attention seekers. I can’t tell my teachers because they will tell my parents. I can’t tell my doctor because i can’t drive. I can’t tell my friends because they don’t care. I can’t tell anyone because they won’t understand.
I guess that’s why i’m here. To find someone who understands
13 comments
If you kill yourself you obviously do not give a shit about your family. If you kill yourself they will be sad for the rest of their lives. If you really loved them you wouldn’t do that to them. Suicide is selfish and cruel. Get over it!!!
Do you really think you can just “get over” depression? That’s not how it works. And leaving comments like this obviously shows how ignorant you are on this subject. You have no idea how much i have struggled and how some many people struggle. For some people suicide seems like the only option. Don’t assume that i don’t care about my family.
You can’t just get over depression, no matter how “better” you are depression seems to lurk around every corner. You are right, suicide does seem like an option everyday for me, I have learned to just give myself a reason to get up everyday and not worry about any other days at all….causes to much anxiety. It is hard…but nothing in this life is.
Anybody who is willing to tell somebody to just “get over” depression obviously show just how little you really know about this kind of thing. Before you tell somebody to just get over something I suggest that you at least figure out how easy it is to get over. Seriously, all it takes is typing in a few words to Google! You have no clue how much so many people struggle with depression, including me, and I care more about my family than anybody you know, so don’t you dare tell me that I don’t give a shit about my family!
Hmmmm, some predicament you are in. Suppose you are alone? Nope you’re not. See what sucks to me is when I think about myself I don’t give a damn. But someone like you…I can talk a good talk about why you shouldn’t feel like you do…ain’t that some s**t! But it makes me feel good about myself to just say, yeah…I do get it, yeah I understand. Do I have the ultimate answer for you, heck no. I’ll encourage you, help or whatever which is more that I can do for myself some days. Maybe that’s what it’s all about “something bigger than yourself” making a difference and seeing it. We are here as a cry for help it’s not being dramatic, self serving…it’s a cry for help. We are saying…HELP! You keeping crying help, keep fighting, immerse your self in others and see what happens. Hell I’m make to much fricken sense! Scary.
Yes….I understand your feelings of wanting to just evaporate or disappear. The experts tell us that the suicidal person doesn’t want to die, the want the pain to end. And I think that’s true.
When I’m in the grips of a suicidal episode, I can’t see how my choosing to end my life will make any difference to anyone except me. Now don’t misunderstand me…I don’t feel that is being selfish, because being selfish would mean I am able to understand the ramifications of my act on other people…they don’t really exist in the part of my brain that rationalizes such thoughts….I’m too wounded just then to be able to do that. That’s what our disease does to us.
Wanting the pain to end, that’s what it’s all about. And who would argue in favor of making someone in such suffering stay around just because they would miss the sufferer? I mean, we put a suffering animal out of its misery.
What’s important is that, as you struggle to find nonlethal ways to stop the pain, you understand that you must do so for yourself, and not for other people. That is a good and healthy form of being self-centered. You can’t control the others….only yourself….so do it for the right reasons and stay alive.
I think I understand what you mean. You know that life is bullshit, and not fair and in the end you simply wish that you had never been born into this hellhole. You would kill yourself but you know how much you would hurt your family, so you put on an act and hide your feelings because if you tell them what you really think, all they are going to do is jump straight to the “you can’t kill yourself.” or “You must be mentally ill.” Bullshit, without even considering the reasons that have brought you to this point.
So that being said, can you go into more detail about what makes you feel this way?
I just came onto this site and this response resonated with me. You have perfectly described the way I feel. I am so sick of how disgusting society is and my lack of motivation is ruining my life. I feel like I am so lost and far behind that I will never be able to get to where I’m expected to be. I have zero tolerance for most people and because of that, I am alone. I am a selfish person but not to the extent that I feel I can kill myself because I know it will destroy my parents. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need help, but I don’t know if there’s anything that can help me. I feel like I just want nothingness. No feeling, no sight, no being. I just want to he done.
Hello misunderstoodanddepressed. You sound like someone I know and deeply care for and I hope it is not that person. I know how you feel, I often feel like I am all alone when in fact I am not. Are you a young female and live in the Seattle WA area? Just as a fact, Seattle WA has the highest depression rate in the nation. I cope by giving myself purpose, forcing myself to wake up the next day and go on. The person I spoke of at the beginning of this post is the main reason, she is a very good friend and I will do anything to help her….so this gives me a reason to get up in the morning everyday. Everything else is just part of my day. If you want to talk more we can…….we all need someone to talk to at some point.
plaidknight
sorry thats unmotivatedanddepressed
I know exactly that feeling. Maybe a different kind of loneliness, but the same! Anyway, I really want someone just to stay with me. I want to be someone’s first choice. Hey, we can talk if you want to.
I am familiar with endless pain, unforgiving emptiness. I have no family, very few friends and what’s left of what used to be a loving heart is almost all stone. I know what it feels like to be a ghost…in that I am surrounded by life, and yet I seem to suffer from a lack of life…I don’t really exist. I have lost everything that I have ever cared for, but I fight to wake up everyday. I have no one to turn to but myself, I have no one to blame but myself, I have….nothing but myself. I work out to cope, but I often wonder…..so what if I change my outward appearance because I am still the same person on the inside. Moving for a new job in a different state is just a band aid over a bullet hole because no matter where you go, there YOU are…..again. life has been hard all my life and one day I did manage to end it…..but I was saved. I was legally dead for about 4 minutes, not much it would seem, but I lived. And now, today; I find myself wondering why I was spared….for a purpose?, unfinished business?, abnormal luck? I don’t know, but the shadow of death has always followed me since then….every night I sleep I fight death and I know that I have won once again when my eyes open and I awake. I have no answers for anyone, I have no answers for myself. I just know that I am not myself, have not been in years. I am neither worst, or better..I think anyway. And today the feeling comes back again, a long hard look at my life in my bathroom mirror. I stare out the window and my only companion …….fond memories of when I was happy…for a very short period in my life. Lost a really good job, then my wife and child to another man, no family to speak of, a couple friends who are too busy with their own lives to really pay any attention. So I stare at a wall, out a window, I am still a ghost after all these years. And death is still waiting to jump me, and I am getting tired.
jamieclark21,
I totally understand what you’re going through!
I feel exactly how you do quite a bit. Not wanting to kill myself, but just not wanting to exist at all. I go through small stages where sometimes I’m fine for a month or two and then all of a sudden it’s back for even longer. I have suicidal thoughts but I’m not suicidal at all. Sometimes I just wish that there were an “Opt Out” button, where you could just press it and you just wouldn’t have existed. Nobody would remember that I was ever even there. I really do understand when it seems like there’s nobody there for you, I went through that same thing for over a year and a half. I suggest that if it isn’t possible to talk to a parent or a sibling, or even a friend then you go see another person you trust, like a teacher or you could go to a therapist or counsellor.
I have tried getting counselling and it did help a little bit but only temporarily. Once I stopped with it these feelings just came back in full blast again depression is a hard thing to shake, and it’s hard on everything in your life. No matter how bad it is I learned that your #1 priority is dealing with your depression. Priority #2 should be your relationships. Not necessarily just your romantic relationship, but also not abandoning your friends or ignoring your family. It can be difficult to find a balance between taking care of yourself and keeping the relationships you have, but if you keep looking and trying you’ll find it.
I find that a few of the things that have really helped me with this is that I got pets (which isn’t an option for everyone, but if it is I suggest it), I found hobbies and I found things that are worth living for, examples: my dog, my cat, good memories, or my family.
I really do hoe that you manage to get through this, and I hope I helped at least a little bit for you or anybody else who needs it.
Best of luck!