I know that it is unhealthy

I just can’t leave her. I have but I always come back to her, crawling begging for forgiveness as if I have done some unforgivable deed. I came to the realization this morning that I am frightened. That the emotional distress and pain I have felt whether it was her fault or not is not worth going through again and that for that reason I shouldn’t leave her. I told myself that if it needs to be this difficult, and I have already done it with her ( though it doesn’t get any easier), why should I have to do it all over again with someone else? I am frightened that I can’t love myself enough for someone to respect me how I want them to, which is why I let her treat me this way. I am frightened that I am not strong enough to face this world alone, not even for a day, so I must stay with her so I can be strong. I put her on this pedestal, but maybe it is just a reflection of my own mental health? Maybe the fact that I depend on her so much, shows how well I’m not doing, which worries me more.