..this is 10 years of low self esteem, depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety.
This is 4 years and 4 months since I first discovered this website.
I still want to die.
___________________________
People always talk about holding on, it gets better and this isn’t your life forever, but when is the way I feel about myself or my life going to differ from the past 10 years? I’ve been shattered and broken by depression and this idea of suicide.. I’ve held, and held, and held, for what? Nothing has changed the way I feel and believe me, I have really put in maximum effort and tried to change for the better. 5 years ago I was 18 and I wouldn’t even leave my bedroom, let alone my home.. I developed all kinda of anxiety, anorexia, severe depression and made many attempt to take my life.. Even leading to a stay in hospital, doctors and therapists. I’m 23 now, I have a healthy body, I have a great new job I’m starting next week, I leave the house and see friends.. but although my actions have changed, why do I feel the same? I still want to die and I truly believe this is just how I’m programmed to feel, maybe it’s inevitable, maybe it’s fate or my written path, I don’t know. I can’t be asked to hold on forever, can I? I don’t want to experience the next 10 years feeling the same way I do.. Can you understand my frustration?
No matter how hard I fight for change, I still want to die.
2 comments
I know they say that your life is not going to be like this forever and be strong all such stuff.
the truth is life never gets easier but we get tougher and more stronger with the things and difficulties we face. Its not gonna be easy to fight but its your life and you have to take the responsibility to keep fighting for it.
I hear you and I understand. Believe me, I do. For some reason, I held on. I’m now turning 70. But I still understand. The pain is so great that it’s unbearable.
I say keep looking for what you can value in life, something like treasuring a pet. Find another who shares your treasuring. Keep looking for what might be beautiful in life, like anything in nature that might stir you. Then find others who share that stirring.
Sharing life is a great key to finding a reason to live. But all the fairy tales tell us to fall in love. That is a risky venture, especially these fast-paced days.
Fine one thing in life that gives you solace and work from there. Mine was a part Siamese cat years ago. She was my treasure and guide in life, a gift beyond price.
I only offer these suggestions to help make living easier. Otherwise, I do understand the desire to not exist. I was that way too. But now I’ve made it for so many years, with only 20 or so years left, and I have a peaceful life without stress in which to appreciate the sky and trees and flowers and all of Nature’s beauty. I spend little time with humans, but the time I do spend with them is quality time.
If you can’t appreciate Nature, I’d say try smoking some pot. It can open you to that appreciation. If it doesn’t, don’t smoke it again.
BTW, I was your age when I made my sincere attempt to kill myself and failed. I ended up hospitalized in a psyche wing for four months. I was very lucky to be assigned to a caring and wise therapist. That didn’t solve my wish to die, but he helped me realize that my environment growing up, although with good and decent people, had an element of denial and control that had crippled me.
I wish you well.
Love,
Vedura