I’ve finally decided life isn’t worth living anymore, and that I’m going to end it all. I really have no family, no friends and no purpose. I am the scum of society. I just want the pain to end. I’ve been consistently unhappy since I was 12 and lately I’ve just gotten worse. I don’t want to talk to or be around anyone. I can’t even think or interact because I’m in a constant fog. I’m quiet and I didn’t used to be. I’m having no creative output. I’m worthless. I guess maybe this is a last ditch effort to have someone actually care about me. I’m afraid of dying alone. But I am alone. And it’s better to die alone than it is to be alone. Goodbye.
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Wait!
I’ve been in a very similar situation such as you. With recurring depression, being very apathetic, feeling like shit all the time, thinking that you have nothing going for you. Trust me, if I say this, I’VE BEEN THROUGH ALL OF WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.
So I’m not going to tell you that you have to live for other people or “stop being selfish” or any of that shit. But what I’m going to tell you may have a bigger impact on your decision.
I already took the sleeping pills and I’m drinking a bunch of wine. I’m hoping ill just Jimi Hendrix. Yes I’m sure. This is too much. No one actually cares about me. No one even talks to me unless they want drugs.
First of all: the quote “Change your mind and you can change your world” is by far the most cliché, pretentious and more important: truest thing ever said.
Just like you I was coping since a depression since I was about twelve years old. It started with my parents constantly fighting so much that I just wanted to leave the house. But that was impossible since I had little to no friends. So I couldn’t sprout my heart to anyone. Later eventually, those ‘friends’ got away from me, leaving me helpless. I got kicked from school, eventually doing a shitty education while still being depressive. The only place I could resort to was the internet and playing videogames. That even made me hate my life even more. My one-year younger brother had it all going for him. The whole family was proud of him, he had good looks, school was going fine, he was good with the girls, had many friends and so on. Everytime I looked at him, I hated myself even more.
I care about you, seriously!
Please let me finish my story and then decide what to do.
Please give me that chance!
I pray that if you don’t wake up you find your peace in the Lord’s arms. If you do wake up, I pray you have a new perspective on life and you also find your peace somehow.
Here’s the thing, I’ve been to the fucking pits of HELL hating everything I touched, smelled, felt, saw, heard, EVERYTHING. I was through with EVERYTHING! Then I saw a video on youtube from someone saying that your whole fucking perception of the world around you is something you decide YOURSELF
I’m sorry. I just can’t anymore.
The same night, I saw that man in my dreams saying the same thing over and over again. I don’t know if you’re religious or believe in any higher power, but to me that was a sign from God. The morning after that I was lurking in the depression forum on some bodybuilding site and someone posted that if you tell yourself you’re happy (even while knowing it’s a lie), you’ll start believing it yourself.
Can I ask you something?
I’ve tried that.
What’s your name? It was very rude of me not asking you that. My name is Bilel btw.
Go ahead.
I would like to know your name if that’s okay with you, I want to talk to you more on a personal level.
You deserve someone to hears you out.
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No worries, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me your name.
Can I ask you what you’re feeling right now?
Thegreenqueen, I don’t know wether you’re listening or wether this might have an effect on you. But know that even though you think nobody cares about you, at least theres someone in this world who cares about you, I care about you.
And I see so much potential in you, potential that would be wasted, a beautiful life that would be wasted. I don’t want it to be wasted. I want you to thrive, I want you to be successful.
And the only way that it can happen is if you give yourself that chance. You deserve that chance, and I’m saying this from the bottom of my heart. You deserve to give yourself that chance.
And the only way that it can happen is if you give yourself that chance. You deserve that chance, and I’m saying this from the bottom of my heart. You deserve to give yourself that chance.
I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I genuinely care about you and I want to help you. Look, can you at least do one thing for me.
Will you hold off for just one more day, hour, minute or whatever you can manage. Please, it would make me the happiest person in the world. If would mean the world to me.
I care about you.
Ashton
Wow! I like that name! Whenever I hear that name, I think of people with status (srsly). Hi Ashton, would you like to tell me how your day was today?
And I can’t. I already drank everything and took all the pills.
I’m genuinely interested
I have done a lot of acid. It showed me that life was pointless. That I’m so small.
Is there anything that could convince you to survive?
Everyone is small. Earth is small. This whole planet is a shitstain in the sight of the Universe
But that doesn’t mean life is pointless
Out of curiosity, what did it show you exactly?
I don’t think so.
Can you tell me why
can you tell me why you think that Ashton?
I just want to try to understand your feelings, I’m all ears. I won’t judge you. I just want to listen to you
I saw me in relation to the universe. I was small and unimportant.
And what else did it show you?
Please Ashton, I’m here for you. Sprout your heart, get it out of your system
Please trust me, please, please, please. I really really care for you,
Please see yourself through my eyes.
I see a person who is compassionate, tender, creative, with lots of potential
I see a person who can conquer the world
I see a very succesful Ashton!
I see a person who feels misunderstood and only needs a reaching hand
I am that reaching hand
the impermanence of life, does not have to be interpreted as pointlessness… though quite a lot of people who see, and cannot unsee, that impermanence, end up interpreting it as exactly that: pointlessness.
The point is in the doing and being… and the value comes from that very same impermanence.
I tend to think that most people don’t understand why that impermanence creates value, and further, why it hurts so much to desire what is only impossible due to others not appreciating that impermanence. We only have so much time in which to “live in/for the moment.” And as our unlived moments pass, we accumulate memories of rejection, isolation, and having our own value disregarded by others, who don’t seem interested in perceiving our value at all.
Most people do not seem to adequately understand the concept of “value,” just like they don’t seem to understand the concept of impermanence. Most people don’t seem to understand much of anything, beyond their own most basic and primitive urges. But many sure do like to seem like they are advanced or evolved, when in fact, they are anything but. And it’s incredibly frustrating to try to live in a world full of “most people.” I can certainly understand why people give up.
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Even if v changed my mind its too late.
So please Ashton, I beg of you, please take my hand…
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no, it’s not too late.
Ashton, it’s never too late. I SWEAR ON EVERY FIBER OF MY BODY
Please, please, please, I beg of you
Reach my hand
You said you were going to post to see if anyone cares. Obviously we do, if we are reading this. We care. We may not know you, but we care. I’m Jacob. I started after I just turned 9. I stopped 4 yrs ago, and painfully state clean. Tomorow at about 5:30 (um, US Indianapolis time) in the morning, I will have more stripes. Death will not care whether its now or later. We care though. I promise we care.
Please, call the Ambulance and there WILL be a way out
Only in this topic alone, you have many people caring about you. Including me Ashton!
There is a way out! I SWEAR! It’s not too late!
You have someone caring about in Europe! (ME :D)
We are here. We aren’t leaving.
An in the US!!
I changed my mind. But it’s too late.
Sleeping pills and wine? Odds are, you’ll just get nauseous and vomit a lot, then not recall vomiting in the morning. Welcome to pharmacopeia, it’s an annoying place. The universe itself is insignificant in respect to whatever is outside the universe. Doesn’t change the fact that things exist when they could otherwise not exist – and if they did not exist, they would be far less interesting.
You only have to do one thing Ashton: call the doctor and ask them to remove it out of your system! And I swear, I promise, everything will be alright!
Ashton, please call a medic. It’s not too LATE
Everything will be alright, trust me
Or you can force a vomit. It’s not that hard. I know. I tried bulemia
I will call them for you if you want. I don’t care how much the phone bill will be.
If you did change your mind, and took a good deal of sleeping pills, and are worried about that, you could either call an ambulance or have someone drive you to a hospital. It’s not too late for that if your manual dexterity is still intact enough to type.
Are you able to do that Ashton?
Depends on where your at. I can call as well.
We care about you Ashton
I’m in Holland.
I don’t know. I’m really drunk.
Ashton, are you here with us?
I’m in Indiana, USA. All we need is where you, Ashton, live.
Please call an Ambulance Ashton, I will even stay up all night just to know you’re safe (it’s 4:20 am here)
We can call the ambulance for you, if you don’t want to yourself
Ashton please, we care about you. I promise
Tell us where you live and we’ll call a doctor or please pick up the phone and call 911. IT’S NOT TOO LATE
It’s not too late for you, all you have to do is pick up the phone or tell us where you live so we can call a medic
“When all seems lost, a hope prevades” we are here for you Ashton. Call an ambulance. We swear it will be worth it.
Please do it for me. I will be forever in your debt, I swear! Please just do me this one favor, please! I beg of you!
Listen to Shadowknite, please Ashton!
No. If I die, I die.
It’s not to late!
You have a chance Ashton!
You will not die! Call an ambulance! You just have to pick up the phone!
I don’t want any cops here. My room mates wil go to jail.
I swear I will stay up all night until you’re safe. All you have to do is call 911
And you will leave us with the pain that we failed to help you? A pain that will slowly eat us away. Slowly forming a suicide reason? You said you wanted to see if anyone cared. We do.
WE CARE!
WE CARE ASHTON!
Call the medics, not the cops.
Nobody will go to jail, nobody! The medics will understand
If you call the medics, they will get it out of your system. And I promise, you feel better.
We care Ashton,
So, we are supposed to settle in and wait? Like that’s ever gonna happen. We are a doing type of people. Not waiters.
I ditched my essay that’s due tomorrow, just to understand you and help you. I care, trust me1
That’s why we are messaging. We CARE!
If you don’t want to call them, we’ll do it. Just tell us where you live
Please, Ashton. I beg of you
Call an ambulance, please
My phone is about dead. Just remember that we CARE.
please ashton, you can change it. It’s not too late
Give shadowknite the adress or call a medic ASAP
It’s not too late
Everything will be alright, just call 911 and ask for and ambulance or tell us where you live so we can call them for you. Shadowknite’s battery is almost empty
IT’S NOT TOO LATE!
You can change it!
Just reach to my hand, please
We LOVE YOU
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I’ve surely said this before, but imagine that even if humans are so small, they can still grasp the most fundamental parts of reality at an extremely deep level. No other part of the known universe is capable of such self reflection.
Reach to my hand
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It’s ok. I’ve caused more problems now.
Please Ashton, just do me this one favor. Pick up the Phone! I beg of you please
You haven’t caused any problems! Just call an ambulance please
I deserve thus.
I deserve thus.
No you don’t, you deserve the BEST!
Please, just listen to me. I begged and begged and will beg you a thousand other times, just call an ambulance
I was raped for a reason. I will die for a reason. It’s okay.
You don’t deserve this. You deserve the best and I’m WANT to give you the BEST, you just have to reach to my hand please
No, it’s not okay with me.
No, it’s not okay with me.
Why do I deed eve anything? I’m just a stupid drunk /
Immiyhong and I never will be. I’m stupid. My heart is beating fast.
ASHTON PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
PICK UP THE PHONE IIM BEGGING YOU CALL 911!!!!
My rooms mates will get arrested.
CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEY WONT, I SWEAR ON MY OWN GRAVE
CALL 911 I PROMISE THEY WONT GET IN TROUBLE
PLEASE BELIEVE ME PLEASE bELIEVE ME!
CALL AN AMBULANCE I SWEAR NOBODY WILL GET ARRESTED
THE DOCTORS WILL GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM
I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT IS DEAR TO ME
JUST PICK UP THE PHONE, CALL 911 AND ASK FOR AN AMBULANCE PLEASE ASTON PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEE I BEG OF YOU
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PLEASE CALL THEM PLEASE PLEASE
Okay
do i need an adress
I HAVE THE PHONE IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW ASHTON, I NEED AN ADRESS TO TELL THE MEDICS EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE
PLEASE JUST DO THIS FOR ME AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
Please believe me Ashton, please trust me
Just do this for me, reach to my hand please!
It’s NEVER to late call an ambulance
I need an adress in order for the doctor to know where you are
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE EXACTLY, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU
YOU JUST CALL AN AMBULANCE OR LET US DO IT FOR YOU
ThAtscehretci love.
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ASHTON PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR ADRESS
THANK YOU ASHTON I APPRECIATE IT
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME
There is weed in the house. They will get in teoublr.
im calling them right now
Ashton, the call to an ambulance is being placed. Everything will be alright. Nobody will get in trouble
Thank you Ashton for bearing with me, I appreciate it.
Ashton, are you there?
Everything will be alright! Trust me!
@Golf: you are one of the kindest and most persistent and loving people I have ever seen on the internet. I wish the world was full of people like you. God bless you, from the bottom of my heart. Ashton, I’m praying for you. I pray you find comfort. I pray you find life. Not to just exist….but to live.
Thank you buscetti, likewise!
Ashton, I placed a call to the suicide hotline. They are going to call the ambulance for you. You will be fine. Don’t worry. All you have to do is hang on!
Ashton?
Ashton, please respond.
My heart is pumping right now, I hope help will get there in time.
Ashton, are you okay?
Ashton, hopefully the medics have reached you by now. . Please drop me a message here, so that I know you’re safe. You are a very strong person. It takes a lot of guts to reach for help. I very much respect that! It’s almost 6 am here, so I’ll try to sleep for a few hours (need to get up at 8 :/). In the meanwhile, if you’re reading this (hopefully!!), try to get some rest and just forget about everything. Just chilllllll.
If you need anything, let me know. And more importantly, let me know you’re doing fine!
I’ll be waiting to hear from you 🙂
I hope you’re okay Ashton.
Are you okay Ashton?