“Mom”

I feel worthless enough already. My very first day of school, I felt ignored and lonely. This then created an alternate me. One who doesn’t think about herself but others, to feel and be included. They never asked how I was so I knew to keep it in, all these feelings of loneliness and fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of being judged. One wrong step and I crash to the dust. I failed her expectations, so I beat myself down, she did too. As a high achieving person like herself, she expected highly of me. So every night from then on, screams and shouts can be heard from our home. She asks ‘why nothing ever goes into my head, it was maths for goodness sakes’.. ‘i don’t know’ I answer, she would pull my hair, pinch my arm or leg till it bruised or throw or shove my books at my face. I never fought back, I was 7 and didn’t know what to do, but with hating eyes I looked at her but mostly myself. At school my facade continues, and every year became a constant loop, of screaming and shouting and the mask I wore everyday to school .