Thoughts

I should be careful and not come here too often…

I’ve been quite depressed, lacking hope and feeling generally worthless yadda yadda, uninspired to do anything but wallow in self pity.

Being so full of hate that I even learned how to tie a noose.

That made me feel better.

Because although we can all theoretically end it all when we want, it is often quite difficult. Not everyone has handy drugs in the closet. Some will just have to do it the tried and true old school way.

So it’s not always comforting enough to think: well hold on one more day because you can always end it, because it’s not that simple. Me I have been in this limbo of too miserable to live but not knowing how to die for years now.

But tying that noose made me feel like I had a little more control, a little more power over my own life and I honestly felt better afterwards. It made me think: if we all had a handy kill pill in our pockets, perhaps we wouldn’t be so afraid because it would be so easy to leave that curiosity would be enough to  make us hold on another day, just to see if it all turns out the way we fear it will. We’d feel in control. We decide when we live and die, not society. And we do it on our own terms.

It would be like living as if it’s all a dream.

I kind of want to bring the noose with me everywhere now, as comfort.