Most mornings I wake up wondering why Im still alive. I hate life, there are good, even great things in my life, but they don’t make me happy. The people I love or like to hang out with and the things I like to do only make me comfortable for a bit, even a couple of days, but the desire to die always come back and it is getting stronger by the second. I just never understood whats the point of life. Work and have kids???? that doesn’t sound very appealing to me. I work and go to school, but I would just love to stay in bed and do nothing. But why do I go to School and work?? because that’s what the fuck Im supposed to do!! Im sick and tired of doing what Im supposed to.
I haven’t tried to kill myself since my last failed attempt because of the pain its gonna cause to my family. I would like to tell them dying is what I want the most, but they would just think Im insane which is probably true. well Im insane because this life drives fucking insane.
How can I make anyone understand how I really feel without them hurting and/or trying to stop??
14 comments
I feel ya Karen.
i was also having a much better time asleep. And that’s really suck. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.
And I know its not easy for you to tell people how you feel… people cant fully understand your pain and sadness.. but you have to speak out if you want help… how would people know what you’re going through now if you dont speak out…
Hope you feel better soon Karen.
When I was younger, early twenties, I had the same view on life. Work, get married, have children, grow old, blah, blah, blah. What’s the point? I’d rather just sit around and play video games, read and sleep. So I focused on that.
What did I end up with? No friends, a house and a job. Work is there to make the money so I can do the things I enjoy…whatever those are anymore.
Turns out I really did want the cliche wife, children, two dogs, white picket fence, etc. And all my past actions moved me farther and farther from that since I didn’t think I wanted that.
What’s the point of this post? I don’t know. Your view on life my change. Then you wake up and realize you spent your life chasing the wrong goal. Then you realize you are so far behind in the game that it seems impossible to catch up.
Talk to the one you trust the most. Assuming there is somebody. Talking about how you feel may hurt them, but at the same time not talking to them and killing yourself may hurt them more. Hell, talking to them, and then killing youself may hurt them even more. It’s a delicate balancing act. I don’t know the best answer. It’s probably different for everybody.
They know what I’m going thru, but they just think I’ll be able to handle it all on my own. I’ve always seem like I’m a very strong and that I got my shit together. The reality is I’m broken and fucked up in so many ways.
Everyday I wake up into the same nightmare
The one person I trust the most is my exboyfriend. We have stayed friends after the break up. He has always known I have depression issues. He gets upset if I bring it up, he says I have no reason to be this way and I should stop. I don’t like feeling this way, I wish l could change but I can’t. When girls are little and you ask them if they wanna get married; they say yes without hesitation. My answer was always no without hesitation. I never felt the desire for having my own family. It’s probably because my mom die when I was 4 so I’m terrified of having children and dying when they are young. I don’t wanna cause that trauma and pain to anyone. It’s a pain words cant describe
@karen
Some people believe that depression is just like wind…but its not… it could be more dangerous than cancer… it is serious illness…
I didnt tell my parents how I feel but to professional people who can understand depression is serious illness… I am not sure if its really helping or not so far…but if you dont mind Karen, seek for help from doctors..
I guess one thing you can do is say you can’t handle it on your own. Asking for help is hard though. Also, one thing about masks is that sometimes we have to let them fall. Though I find people leave if I take my mask off. So hopefully you have someone in your life who know wouldn’t give up on you.
Or find what it is you want from life. Why do the things that make you feel comfortable only provide relief for a short period of time? Is something lacking? I guess that’s the question for all of us. The reason to go on.
Like you, I don’t want to hurt the little family I have left, so I keep hunting this elusive reason to live. But it’s exhausting.
Or you can become the best sleeper and do nothinger there is.
@fearofdeath
I went to a psychiatrist a couple of years ago, The main reason I went was because I started using coke, but I stopped using it on my own so I thought I didn’t have to see the doctor anymore. I was ok for a while, my depression and suicidal thoughts were under control, but they’ve been out of control lately but ive been just strong enough not to give in. Last Friday It seemed like that was it. I was so upset, sad and feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I decided to give myself at least 24 hours to think about it and that’s what ive been doing for the last few days just giving myself just 24 hours more to live
@k2fraser
I used to know what I wanted, but as my depression progresses I start losing interest in everything. When I was younger, I loved going to school. it was like a magical place to me. Now I fucking hate it.
I had a “friend” she knew about my depression and just a lot about me, well there was a misunderstanding and we stopped talking. After that I have not gotten close to anyone the same way.
There are other people I was kinda close to, one of them thinks that he is in love with me and wants to sleep with me, so I have distanced myself from him because I don’t feel the same way, and the others have shown me they aren’t loyal
Im also hunting an elusive reason to live since I have failed 3 times already
Ahh yes, depression blinds us to our true desires. I love school as well. I’ve been in school most of my life, though I am losing interest now. Not a hate, just I don’t see the point anymore.
I guess during those fleeting moments of clarity is when you have to hunt the reason. And hope it’s a reason you actually believe you can acheive. Because I don’t believe my reason is acheivable, I’m still on the hunt.
what is your reason right now?? if you don’t mind sharing
To be loved by someone. But it’s too big of a goal. And at this point I really think it’s impossible. So whenever I think about it, it just brings me down further. I need something smaller. Something I want and think I can acheive. I have no idea what that is yet though. The whole not wanting to hurt family reason is wearing thin.
how old are you?? for a while I thought that’s what I wanted as well, I don’t think Im unlovable, I just simply never learned to love myself
I’m 34. I’ve loved but never been loved. I’m pretty much unlovable. Friendzone is always my place. Not sure why since none of the ladies will tell me. So it must be something pretty bad. One time I thought I was loved, but that was a lie. Man I’ve heard “it’s not you it’s me” enough to last a lifetime.
I have heard the “it’s not you it’s me so many times as well. And after my last experience I can’t trust any guy. It also makes me think there is something really wrong with me