So I told my psychiatrist about my overdose a couple weeks ago; they now know of three of my suicide attempts. And each time they haven’t done squat to help me. Yet again I was told of  the dangers it can cause my liver and all that, he asked my how likely it was that I’d try again. I said there’s a 50/50 chance I would. So I was basically telling her that I probably, almost more than certain would do it again. So what did she do? Tell my mum what happened and tell her to remove all medication from the house; and did she? Fuck no. Again. After being told three times I’ve overdosed (I have more, I just haven’t said) you’d think she’d finally take everything away and hide it.
And since that appointment a few weeks ago I have attempted twice – once last week and once tonight. Last week I tried to hang myself, only for the knot to come undone due to the fact that I couldn’t tie it properly because crying makes my hand shake even worse than they already do. And tonight I’ve took pills. I don’t really know how many. Three different types of paracetamol and some of my sleeping pills(they’re the only pills we have in the house). Somewhere between 20 and 30.
After all these attempts, surely my liver must have enough damage for it to give in? I honestly don’t care for all the pain it would cause; it can’t be worse than what I deal with now while I’m alive.
2 comments
I am a bit confused, you seem pretty determined to commit suicide yet you seem rather disappointed that no one is cleaning house and removing all possible methods of attempt?
Maybe they come to the realization that its you who needs to take the first step to change. Ill make an example; Say there is a guy who lives with his mum and he has an addiction to his moms pain pills. He has gone to therapy and as admitted his problems with addiction and the psychiatrist has advised the mother to hide or remove her pain pills from the house they share. Does she? No, but if the man truly wants change why doesn’t he remove them himself and stop relying on others to make the change for him. His mom removing the pills will not stop him from ascertaining them from a different source. If he wants to cut the addiction its a road that he has to take the steps himself. No-one else can but that doesn’t mean alone and without support.
Can I say your mom cares or not, no. Should she have removed the pills anyways, of course. But, can I ask, what have you dont to help yourself and have you utilized your resources efficiently?
Remeber you have a choice, you don’t have to die. If you feel it’s within your best interest then I respect and honor your choice. Give yourself time but be cautious. Forgive me if I sound abit condescending, I am trying to help and I am trying my best to understand. I am more than willing to understand, if given the chance, and to know why you came to this position in life.
I’m not sure why she wouldn’t remove the pills from the house, but it sounds like you feel she doesn’t care about you. I am sorry you feel the way you do, life can be really tough sometimes. What is it about your life that troubles you the most? If you don’t mind me asking. Maybe it’s time to see a counselor instead of just seeing a psychiatrist, a psychiatrist is just a legal drug dealer anyways a lot of the time. Sometimes counselors can actually help you work through things. I realized that a lot of people who are suicidal don’t have a desire to die as much as they have an apprehension to live. I say this because no one knows what it is like to die, so how would we know if that is what we want, but we have lived, so we know when we aren’t real sure that we want to continue doing. Do you see what I’m saying?