Can’t fight anymore

Ever since I was a little kid maybe just 5 years old I was always extremely depressed. When all other kids were thinking about growing up, getting a job married etc. the only thing I would think about all day every day is “I can’t wait till I die” I always would tell myself that I won’t live to 18 then I said I won’t live to 21. As a kid my dad was very abusive towards me my mom and my siblings. I have a neurological disorder that makes me grown little bumps on my body. It causes me to walk slightly slanted forward and speak with a slight speech impademint I was always made fun of and laughed at. People use me for my kindness and make fun of me behind my back when I think they’re my friends but really I have no one I told my mom I was depressed before and she said “your lying you just want attention” and another time she laughed at me about it. People say things get better but they just get worse and worse. I can’t deal with waking up everyday and thinking how bad I want to die. Every time I have happiness it gets takin tofu away from me when ever I think I found a girl that’s gonna accept me and possible help me though this. It gets takin away or it was never anything real in the first place, I can’t keep dealing with this my depression is geting so bad I can do anything know more I can’t study I don’t wanna move because the only thought in my head is “what’s the point I’m gonna kill my self soon any way” I truely believe god want me to kill my self that’s why things like this happen to me. I’m 22 years old and depression had control of my life since I was 5-7 years only I’m almost 23 and I feel like I never once lived life yet. So what’s the point so starting my life at 23 I really need to stop laying in my bed every day and night wishing god would take my life and kill me already. Everyday for more then 10 years the only thought in my life Is please god let me for today! Idk if there’s anything that can help me I tried therapy medications and all that nothing helps it makes me sadder to know that I have to take a pill so i don’t think about grabbing my glock and putting a bullet in my brain. Thank you.. Thanks for letting me share